<p class="gutsumm">A continuation of the state of England under
Queen Anne. The character of a first minister of state in
European courts.</p>
<p>My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives
could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary
themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for
the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he
comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire.
Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him the use of
money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals;
“that when a <i>Yahoo</i> had got a great store of this
precious substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a
mind to; the finest clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of
land, the most costly meats and drinks, and have his choice of
the most beautiful females. Therefore since money alone was
able to perform all these feats, our <i>Yahoos</i> thought they
could never have enough of it to spend, or to save, as they found
themselves inclined, from their natural bent either to profusion
or avarice; that the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor
man’s labour, and the latter were a thousand to one in
proportion to the former; that the bulk of our people were forced
to live miserably, by labouring every day for small wages, to
make a few live plentifully.”</p>
<p>I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to
the same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went
upon a supposition, that all animals had a title to their share
in the productions of the earth, and especially those who
presided over the rest. Therefore he desired I would let
him know, “what these costly meats were, and how any of us
happened to want them?” Whereupon I enumerated as
many sorts as came into my head, with the various methods of
dressing them, which could not be done without sending vessels by
sea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink as
for sauces and innumerable other conveniences. I assured
him “that this whole globe of earth must be at least three
times gone round before one of our better female <i>Yahoos</i>
could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in.” He
said “that must needs be a miserable country which cannot
furnish food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly
wondered at was, how such vast tracts of ground as I described
should be wholly without fresh water, and the people put to the
necessity of sending over the sea for drink.” I
replied “that England (the dear place of my nativity) was
computed to produce three times the quantity of food more than
its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as liquors extracted
from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees, which
made excellent drink, and the same proportion in every other
convenience of life. But, in order to feed the luxury and
intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we sent
away the greatest part of our necessary things to other
countries, whence, in return, we brought the materials of
diseases, folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence
it follows of necessity, that vast numbers of our people are
compelled to seek their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing,
cheating, pimping, flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging,
gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling,
star-gazing, poisoning, whoring, canting, libelling,
freethinking, and the like occupations:” every one of which
terms I was at much pains to make him understand.</p>
<p>“That wine was not imported among us from foreign
countries to supply the want of water or other drinks, but
because it was a sort of liquid which made us merry by putting us
out of our senses, diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild
extravagant imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and
banished our fears, suspended every office of reason for a time,
and deprived us of the use of our limbs, till we fell into a
profound sleep; although it must be confessed, that we always
awaked sick and dispirited; and that the use of this liquor
filled us with diseases which made our lives uncomfortable and
short.</p>
<p>“But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported
themselves by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life
to the rich and to each other. For instance, when I am at
home, and dressed as I ought to be, I carry on my body the
workmanship of a hundred tradesmen; the building and furniture of
my house employ as many more, and five times the number to adorn
my wife.”</p>
<p>I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get
their livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some
occasions, informed his honour that many of my crew had died of
diseases. But here it was with the utmost difficulty that I
brought him to apprehend what I meant. “He could
easily conceive, that a <i>Houyhnhnm</i>, grew weak and heavy a
few days before his death, or by some accident might hurt a limb;
but that nature, who works all things to perfection, should
suffer any pains to breed in our bodies, he thought impossible,
and desired to know the reason of so unaccountable an
evil.”</p>
<p>I told him “we fed on a thousand things which operated
contrary to each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and
drank without the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights
drinking strong liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us
to sloth, inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented
digestion; that prostitute female <i>Yahoos</i> acquired a
certain malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of those who
fell into their embraces; that this, and many other diseases,
were propagated from father to son; so that great numbers came
into the world with complicated maladies upon them; that it would
be endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to
human bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six
hundred, spread over every limb and joint—in short, every
part, external and intestine, having diseases appropriated to
itself. To remedy which, there was a sort of people bred up
among us in the profession, or pretence, of curing the
sick. And because I had some skill in the faculty, I would,
in gratitude to his honour, let him know the whole mystery and
method by which they proceed.</p>
<p>“Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from
repletion; whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the
body is necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards
at the mouth. Their next business is from herbs, minerals,
gums, oils, shells, salts, juices, sea-weed, excrements, barks of
trees, serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men’s flesh
and bones, birds, beasts, and fishes, to form a composition, for
smell and taste, the most abominable, nauseous, and detestable,
they can possibly contrive, which the stomach immediately rejects
with loathing, and this they call a vomit; or else, from the same
store-house, with some other poisonous additions, they command us
to take in at the orifice above or below (just as the physician
then happens to be disposed) a medicine equally annoying and
disgustful to the bowels; which, relaxing the belly, drives down
all before it; and this they call a purge, or a clyster.
For nature (as the physicians allege) having intended the
superior anterior orifice only for the intromission of solids and
liquids, and the inferior posterior for ejection, these artists
ingeniously considering that in all diseases nature is forced out
of her seat, therefore, to replace her in it, the body must be
treated in a manner directly contrary, by interchanging the use
of each orifice; forcing solids and liquids in at the anus, and
making evacuations at the mouth.</p>
<p>“But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that
are only imaginary, for which the physicians have invented
imaginary cures; these have their several names, and so have the
drugs that are proper for them; and with these our female
<i>Yahoos</i> are always infested.</p>
<p>“One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at
prognostics, wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real
diseases, when they rise to any degree of malignity, generally
portending death, which is always in their power, when recovery
is not: and therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment,
after they have pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused
as false prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the
world, by a seasonable dose.</p>
<p>“They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives
who are grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great
ministers of state, and often to princes.”</p>
<p>I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon
the nature of government in general, and particularly of our own
excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the
whole world. But having here accidentally mentioned a
minister of state, he commanded me, some time after, to inform
him, “what species of <i>Yahoo</i> I particularly meant by
that appellation.”</p>
<p>I told him, “that a first or chief minister of state,
who was the person I intended to describe, was the creature
wholly exempt from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and
anger; at least, makes use of no other passions, but a violent
desire of wealth, power, and titles; that he applies his words to
all uses, except to the indication of his mind; that he never
tells a truth but with an intent that you should take it for a
lie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should take it for a
truth; that those he speaks worst of behind their backs are in
the surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to praise
you to others, or to yourself, you are from that day
forlorn. The worst mark you can receive is a promise,
especially when it is confirmed with an oath; after which, every
wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.</p>
<p>“There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be
chief minister. The first is, by knowing how, with
prudence, to dispose of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the
second, by betraying or undermining his predecessor; and the
third is, by a furious zeal, in public assemblies, against the
corruption’s of the court. But a wise prince would
rather choose to employ those who practise the last of these
methods; because such zealots prove always the most obsequious
and subservient to the will and passions of their master.
That these ministers, having all employments at their disposal,
preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of a senate
or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an act of
indemnity” (whereof I described the nature to him),
“they secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire
from the public laden with the spoils of the nation.</p>
<p>“The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed
up others in his own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by
imitating their master, become ministers of state in their
several districts, and learn to excel in the three principal
ingredients, of insolence, lying, and bribery. Accordingly,
they have a subaltern court paid to them by persons of the best
rank; and sometimes by the force of dexterity and impudence,
arrive, through several gradations, to be successors to their
lord.</p>
<p>“He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite
footman, who are the tunnels through which all graces are
conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last resort, the
governors of the kingdom.”</p>
<p>One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the
nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment which
I could not pretend to deserve: “that he was sure I must
have been born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in
shape, colour, and cleanliness, all the <i>Yahoos</i> of his
nation, although I seemed to fail in strength and agility, which
must be imputed to my different way of living from those other
brutes; and besides I was not only endowed with the faculty of
speech, but likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree
that, with all his acquaintance, I passed for a
prodigy.”</p>
<p>He made me observe, “that among the <i>Houyhnhnms</i>,
the white, the sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly
shaped as the bay, the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with
equal talents of mind, or a capacity to improve them; and
therefore continued always in the condition of servants, without
ever aspiring to match out of their own race, which in that
country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural.”</p>
<p>I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the good
opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him at the
same time, “that my birth was of the lower sort, having
been born of plain honest parents, who were just able to give me
a tolerable education; that nobility, among us, was altogether a
different thing from the idea he had of it; that our young
noblemen are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury;
that, as soon as years will permit, they consume their vigour,
and contract odious diseases among lewd females; and when their
fortunes are almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth,
disagreeable person, and unsound constitution (merely for the
sake of money), whom they hate and despise. That the
productions of such marriages are generally scrofulous, rickety,
or deformed children; by which means the family seldom continues
above three generations, unless the wife takes care to provide a
healthy father, among her neighbours or domestics, in order to
improve and continue the breed. That a weak diseased body,
a meagre countenance, and sallow complexion, are the true marks
of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance is so disgraceful
in a man of quality, that the world concludes his real father to
have been a groom or a coachman. The imperfections of his
mind run parallel with those of his body, being a composition of
spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality, and pride.</p>
<p>“Without the consent of this illustrious body, no law
can be enacted, repealed, or altered: and these nobles have
likewise the decision of all our possessions, without
appeal.” <SPAN name="citation514"></SPAN><SPAN href="#footnote514" class="citation">[514]</SPAN></p>
<h3>IV - CHAPTER VII.</h3>
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