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Monsieur De Pourceaugnac

<h2>ACT II.</h2> <h3>SCENE I.——1ST PHYSICIAN, SBRIGANI.</h3> 1st Phy. He has forced through every obstacle I had placed to hinder him, and has fled from the remedies I was beginning to prepare for him. Sbri. To avoid remedies so salutary as yours is to be a great enemy to oneself. 1st Phy. It is the mark of a disturbed brain and of a depraved reason to be unwilling to be cured. Sbri. You would have cured him, for certain, in no time. 1st Phy. Certainly; though there had been the complication of a dozen diseases. Sbri. With all that he makes you lose those fifty well-earned pistoles. 1st Phy. I have no intention of losing them; and I am determined to cure him in spite of himself. He is bound and engaged to take my remedies; and I will have him seized, wherever I can find him, as a deserter from physic and an infringer of my prescriptions. Sbri. You are right. Your medicines were sure of their effect; and it is so much money he takes from you. 1st Phy. Where could I find him? Sbri. No doubt, at the house of that goodman Oronte, whose daughter he comes to marry; and who, knowing nothing of the infirmity of his future son-in-law, will perhaps be in a hurry to conclude the marriage. 1st Phy. I will go and speak to him at once. Sbri. You should, in justice to yourself. 1st Phy. He is in need of my consultations; and a patient must not make a fool of his doctor. Sbri. That is well said; and, if I were you, I would not suffer him to marry till you have physicked him to your heart's content. 1st Phy. Leave that to me. Sbri. (aside, and going). For my part, I will bring another battery into play; for the father-in-law is as much of a dupe as the son-in-law.   <h3>SCENE II.——ORONTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN.</h3> 1st Phy. A certain gentleman, Sir, a Mr. de Pourceaugnac, is to marry your daughter; is he not? Oro. Yes; I expect him from Limoges, and he ought to have been here before now. 1st Phy. And he has come; he has run away from my house, after having been placed under my care; but I forbid you, in the name of the faculty, to proceed with the marriage you have decided upon, before I have duly prepared him for it, and put him in a state to have children well-conditioned both in mind and body. Oro. What is it you mean? 1st Phy. Your intended son-in-law was entered as my patient. His disease which was given me to cure is a chattel which belongs to me, and which I reckon among my possessions. I therefore declare to you that I will not allow him to marry before he has rendered due satisfaction to the faculty, and submitted to the remedies which I have ordered for him. Oro. He is suffering from some disease? 1st Phy. Yes. Oro. And from what disease, if you please? 1st Phy. Don't trouble yourself about that. Oro. Is it some disease….? 1st Phy. Doctors are bound to keep things secret. Let it suffice you that I enjoin both you and your daughter not to celebrate the wedding without my consent, upon pain of incurring the displeasure of the faculty, and of undergoing all the diseases which we choose to lay upon you. Oro. If that is the case, I shall take good care to put a stop to the marriage. 1st Phy. He was entrusted to me, and he is bound to be my patient. Oro. Very well. 1st Phy. It is in vain for him to run away; I will have him sentenced to be cured by me. Oro. I am very willing. 1st Phy. Yes; he must either die or be cured by me. Oro. I consent to it. 1st Phy. And if I cannot find him, I will make you answerable, and cure you instead of him. Oro. I am in very good health. 1st Phy. No matter. I must have a patient, and I will take anyone I can. Oro. Take whom you will, but it shall not be me. (Alone) Did you ever hear of such a thing!   <h3>SCENE III.——ORONTE, SBRIGANI as a Flemish merchant.</h3> Sbri. Sir, py your leafe, I pe one voreign marchant, and vould like ask you one littel news. Oro. What, Sir? Sbri. Put you de hat on de head, Sir, if you pleace. Oro. Tell me. Sir, what you want. Sbri. I tell nozink, Sir, if you not put de hat on de head. Oro. Very well, then, what is it, Sir? Sbri. You not know in dis town one Mister Oronte? Oro. Yes, I know him. Sbri. And vat for one man is he, Sir, if you pleace? Oro. He is like any other man. Sbri. I ask you, Sir, if he one man of money is? Oro. Yes. Sbri. But very mooch rich, Sir? Oro. Yes. Sbri. It does me mooch pleasure, Sir. Oro. But why should it? Sbri. It is, Sir, for one littel great reason for us. Oro. But why? Sbri. It is, Sir, dat dis Mr. Oronte his tauchter in marriage to a certain Mr. Pourgnac gifes. Oro. Well! Sbri. And dis Mr. Pourgnac, Sir, is one man vat owes mooch golt to ten or twelf Flemish marchants vat come here. Oro. T his Mr. de Pourceaugnac owes a great deal to ten or twelve merchants? Sbri. Yes, Sir; and for de last eight months ve hafe obtain one littel judgment against him, and he put off all de credeetors till dis marriage vat Mr. Oronte gifes to his tauchter. Oro. Ho! ho! So he puts off paying his creditors till then? Sbri. Yes, Sir; and vid great defotion ve all wait for dis marriage. Oro. The idea is not bad. (Aloud) I wish you good day. Sbri. I tank de gentleman for de favour great. Oro. Your very humble servant. Sbri. I pe, Sir, more great obliged don all py de goot news vat the Mister gife me. (Alone, after having taken off his beard, and taken off the Flemish dress which he has put over his) Things don't go badly. All is going on swimmingly. I must throw off this disguise and think of something else. We will put so much suspicion between the father-in-law and his son-in-law that the intended marriage must come to nothing. They are both equally fit to swallow the baits that are laid for them, and it is mere child's play for us great sharpers when we find such easy gulls.   <h3>SCENE IV.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.</h3> Mr. Pour. (thinking himself alone). Piglialo sù, piglialo sù, Signor Monsu. What the deuce does it all mean? (Seeing Sbrigani) Ah! Sbri. What is the matter, Sir? what ails you? Mr. Pour. Everything I see seems injection. Sbri. How is that? Mr. Pour. You can't think what has happened to me in that house where you took me. Sbri. No! What has happened? Mr. Pour. I thought I should be well feasted there. Sbri. Well? Mr. Pour. I leave you in this gentleman's hands. Doctors dressed in black. In a chair. Feel the pulse. In proof of what I say. He is mad. Two big, fat-faced fellows, with large-brimmed hats. Buon dì, buon dì. Six pantaloons. Ta, ra, ta, toi, ta, ra, ta, ta, toi. Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac. Take, Sir; take, take. It is gentle, gentle, gentle. Piglialo sù, Signor Monsu; piglialo, piglialo sù. I never was so surfeited with absurdities in all my life. Sbri. What does it all mean? Mr. Pour. It means, Sir, that this gentleman, with all his kissing and hugging, is a deceitful rascal, who has sent me to that house to play me some trick. Sbri. Is it possible? Mr. Pour. It is, indeed. They were a dozen devils at my heels, and I had all the difficulty in the world to escape out of their clutches. Sbri. Just fancy how deceitful people's looks are; I should have taken him for the most affectionate friend you have. It is a wonder to me how there can exist such rascals in the world. Mr. Pour. My imagination is full of it all; and it seems to me that I see everywhere a dozen injections threatening me. Sbri. This is really too bad! how treacherous and wicked people are! Mr. Pour. Pray, tell me where Mr. Oronte lives. I should be glad to go there at once. Sbri. Ah! ah! you are of a loving disposition, I see; and you have heard that Mr. Oronte has a daughter? Mr. Pour. Yes; I am come to marry her. Sbri. To ma … to marry her? Mr. Pour. Yes. Sbri. In wedlock? Mr. Pour. How could it be otherwise? Sbri. Oh! it is another thing, and I beg your pardon. Mr. Pour. What is it you mean? Sbri. Oh, nothing. Mr. Pour. But, pray! Sbri. Nothing, I tell you. I spoke rather hastily. Mr. Pour. I beg of you to tell me what it is. Sbri. No; it is not necessary. Mr. Pour. Pray do. Sbri. No; I beg you to excuse me. Mr. Pour. What! are you not one of my friends? Sbri. Yes, certainly; nobody more so. Mr. Pour. Then you ought not to hide anything from me. Sbri. It is a thing in which a neighbour's honour is concerned. Mr. Pour. That I may oblige you to treat me like a friend, here is a small ring I beg of you to keep for my sake. Sbri. Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it. (Goes away a small distance from Mr. de Pourceaugnac.) He is a man who looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody. It is true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to a man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal of one's neighbour. All this is true. On the other hand, however, here is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good faith to marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom he has never seen. A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts his confidence in me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake. (To Mr. de Pourceaugnac) Yes, I think that I can tell you how things are without wounding my conscience. But I must try to tell it all to you in the mildest way possible, and to spare people as much as I can. If I were to tell you that this girl leads a bad life, it would be going too far. I must find some milder term to explain myself. The word coquette does not come up to the mark; that of downright flirt seems to me to answer the purpose pretty well, and I can make use of it to tell you honestly what she is. Mr. Pour. They want to make a fool of me then? Sbri. But it may not be so bad as people think; and after all, there are men who set themselves above such things, and who do not think that their honour depends upon…. Mr. Pour. I am your servant; I have no wish to adorn my person with such a head-dress, and the Pourceaugnacs are accustomed to walk with their heads free. Sbri. Here is the father. Mr. Pour. Who? this old man? Sbri. Yes. Allow me to withdraw.   <h3>SCENE V.——ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.</h3> Mr. Pour. Good morning, Sir; good morning. Oro. Your servant, Sir; your servant. Mr. Pour. You are Mr. Oronte; are you not? Oro. Yes. Mr. Pour. And I, Mr. de Pourceaugnac. Oro. Ah, indeed! Mr. Pour. Do you think, Mr. Oronte, that the people of Limoges are fools? Oro. Do you think, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that the people of Paris are asses? Mr. Pour. Do you imagine, Mr. Oronte, that a man like me can be dying for a wife? Oro. Do you imagine, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that a daughter like mine can be dying for a husband?   <h3>SCENE VI.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, JULIA, ORONTE.</h3> Jul. I have just been told, father, that Mr. de Pourceaugnac has come. Ah, there he is, no doubt; my heart tells me so. How handsome he is! How splendidly he holds himself. How pleased I am to have such a husband!11 Give me leave to kiss him and to show him…. Oro. Softly, daughter, softly. Mr. Pour. (aside). Heyday! At what a pace she goes, and how she takes fire! Oro. I should very much like to know, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, for what reason you … Jul. (approaches Mr. de Pourceaugnac, looks at him with a languishing look, and tries to take his hand). How pleased I am to see you! And how impatient I am to … Oro. Hey! daughter, go away; will you? Mr. Pour. (aside). What a free and easy young damsel! Oro. I should like to know what made you have the boldness to…. (Julia continues as above.) Mr. Pour. (aside). By Jove! Oro. (to Julia). Again! What do you mean? Jul. May I not kiss the husband you have chosen for me? Oro. No; go in. Jul. Allow me to look at him. Oro. Go in, I tell you. Jul. I should like to stop here, if you please. Oro. I will not suffer it. If you do not go in immediately, I … Jul. Very well then, I will go in. Oro. My daughter is a foolish girl who does not understand things. Mr. Pour. (aside). How taken she is with me! Oro. ( to Julia, who has stopped). You won't go. Jul. When will yon marry me to this gentleman? Oro. Never. You are not intended for him. Jul. I will have him, I will have him; you promised him to me. Oro. If I promised him to you, I take my promise back again. Mr. Pour. (aside). She would fain eat me. Jul. Do what you will, we will be married in spite of everybody. Oro. I shall know how to prevent it, I forewarn you. What madness has taken hold of her?   <h3>SCENE VII.——ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.</h3> Mr. Pour. I say, our intended father-in-law, don't give yourself so much trouble; I have no intention of running away with your daughter; and your pretence won't take at all. Oro. And yours will in no way succeed. Mr. Pour. Did you think that Leonardo de Pourceaugnac is a man to buy a pig in a poke, and that he has not the sense to find out what goes on in the world, and to see if, in marrying, his honour is safe? Oro. I do not know what you mean; but did you take into your head that a man of sixty-three years old has so little common sense, and so little consideration for his daughter, as to marry her to a man who has you know what, and who was put with a doctor to be cured? Mr. Pour. This is a trick that was practised upon me, and there is nothing the matter with me. Oro. The doctor told us so himself. Mr. Pour. The doctor told a lie. I am a gentleman, and I will meet him sword in hand. Oro. I know what I ought to believe, and you can no more impose upon me in this matter than about the debts you are bound to pay on your marriage day. Mr. Pour. What debts? Oro. It is of no use to affect ignorance. I have seen the Flemish merchant who with other creditors obtained a decision against you eight months ago. Mr. Pour. What Flemish merchant? What creditors? What decision obtained against me? Oro. You know perfectly well what I mean.   <h3>SCENE VIII.——MR. DR POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE.</h3> Luc. (pretending to be a woman from Languedoc). 12 Oh, yèu be yur, be'e! an' I've avoun thee to làs, àrter all this yur tràepsin' vùrwurd an' backward. Cans thee now, yèu rascal; cans leuk me in the fae-as? Mr. Pour. What is it this woman wants? Luc. What do I want o' thee, yèu villun! Thee's mak wise neet to know me, disn? an' thee disn turn rid nuther, èempodent oseburd that thee art! What! thee witn turn colour vur to leuk me in the fae-as! (To Oronte) I baent sàaf, Maister, nif'tis yèu that they do zay 'ee weeshth vur to marry wi' the darter o'? but 'owsomever I zwear to yèu, I be the weiv o' un, an' that zeben yur agone when 'ee was a travellin' drue Pézenas, he made out, we' 'iz falseness, that 'ee knowth zo wul 'ow vur act vur to come over my 'art, an' zo by one way or tother vur to git me vur to gèe unmy 'an vur to marry un. Oro. Oh! oh! Luc. The rascal lef me dree yur àrterwurds, purtendin' that 'eed agot some bizness vur to deu in 'iz own country, an' ivur sinz I 'ant ayeard no news at all o' un; but when I wadn thinkin' nothin' 'tall 'bout 'ee, I yeard 'em say as 'ow 'ee was acomin' yur, into this yur town, vur to be amarried agee'an wi' another young ummun, that her father an' mother 'd apromised teu un athout knowin' nothin' 'ow that 'ee was amarried avore. Zo I starts toràcly, an' I be acome yur to this yur place so zeun's ivur I pausible keud, vur to staup this yur wicked marridge, an' vur to show op, avore all the wurld, the very wissest man that iver was. Mr. Pour. What wonderful impudence! Luc. Eempurence! Baent yèu ashèe'amd o' yurzul vur to mak sport o' me, 'stid o' bein' abroke down wi' eenward feelins, that thee wicked 'art aurt vur to gee thee? Mr. Pour. Do you mean to say that I am your husband? Luc. Villun! dis dare to zay tidn zo? Ah! thee's know wul 'nuf, wiss luck to me, that tis all zo treu's the Gauspel; an' I weesh to Heben twadn zo, an' that thee'ds alef me so èenocent an' so quiet like eens I used to be, avore thy charms an' thy trumpery, bad luck, made me vur to 'sake it all! I nivur sheudn abin abrought down vur to be the pour weesh thing that I be now—vur to zee my man, cruel like, mak a laughin' sport of all the love that I've a 'ad vorn, an' lef me athout one beet o' pity, vur the mortal pàin I've abeared, 'bout the shee'amful way 'eev asàrd me. Oro. Really, I feel quite ready to weep. Go! you are a wicked man!   <h3>SCENE IX.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, NÉRINE, LUCETTE, ORONTE.</h3> Ner. (pretending to be from Picardy). 13 Oh! Aa can stand nowt more; aa'm rait winded! Ah! good for nowt, thou's made me run well for it; thou'lt not 'scape me now. Joostice! Joostice! Aa forbid the weddin. (To Oronte) He's my ain man, Mast-ther, and as sh'd joost loik to ave him stroong up, the precious hang-dog there. Mr. Pour. Another! Oro. What a devil of a man! Luc. An' what be yèu a-tullin' o', wai yur vurbèedin' an' yur 'àngin'? Thiki man's yo-ur ùzban, is ur? Ner. You're rait, Missis, an aa'm joost his woif. Luc. That's a lie then; 'tis me that's the rail weiv o' un; an eef 'ee ought vur to be a'ànged, why 'tis me that ought vur to 'ave it adeud. Ner. Me; aa can mak nowt o' that soort o' talk. Luc. I do tul 'ee 'ow that I be 'is weiv. Ner. His woif? Luc. Ees fie! Ner. Aa tell ye once more, that it's me at's joost that. Luc. An' I vows an' declares as 'ow tez me, my own zul. Ner. 'Twere fowr yeer agone 'at he wed me. Luc. An' me, tez zeben yur sinz 'e teuk me vur 'iz weiv. Ner. Aa can proove aal 'at aa say. Luc. All my naibours knowth ut. Ner. Owr town can well witness to it. Luc. All Pézénas zeed us amarried. Ner. All Sin Quintin helpt at owr weddin'. Luc. Thur cant be nort more saafur. Ner. Nowt can be more sartin. Luc. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac). Dis thee dare to zay òrt gin ut, yèu villun? Ner. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac). Canst thou deny me, wicked man? Mr. Pour. One is as true as the other. Luc. What èemperence! What, yèu rogue, yèu don't mind poor leedle Franky an' poor leedle Jinny—they that be the outcomin's o' our marridge? Ner. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel, owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith? Mr. Pour. What impudent jades! Luc. Yur Franky! Yur Jinny, come both o' ee, come both o' ee, come an' mak yur bad rascal of a father own to 'ow ee've asàrd all o' us. Ner. Coom hither, Maggy, maa cheel, coom heere quick, an' shame your fayther of th' impudence 'at he's gotten.   <h3>SCENE X.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE, NÉRINE, SEVERAL CHILDREN.</h3> Chi. Fayther! fayther! fayther! Mr. Pour. Deuce take the little brats! Luc. What yèu, villun, artn thee fit to drap, vur to tak to yur chillurn arter jis farshin, an' to keep thee eyes vàs, 'feerd thee mids show lig a father teu 'em? Thee shetn git away vrom me, yèu scàulus oseburd! I'll volly thee ivery place, and cry op thee wickedness 'gin I've asàrd thee out, an' 'gin I've amade thee zwing. Rascal, I sheud like vur to mak thee zwing vor't, an' that I sheud. Ner. Wilt not bloosh to spaik yon words, an' to tak no thowt o'th kissin' o' yon poor cheel? Thou'lt not get clear o' ma claws; aa can tell thee! an spoit o' thy showin' thy teeth, aa'l mak thee know 'at aa'm thy woif, an' aa'l mak thee hang for it. Chi. Fayther! fayther! fayther! Mr. Pour. Help! help! Where shall I run? Oro. Go; you will do right to have him punished, and he richly deserves to be hanged.   <h3>SCENE XI.——SBRIGANI (alone).</h3> Everything has been done according to my wish, and is succeeding admirably. We will so weary out our provincial that he will only be too thankful to leave the place.   <h3>SCENE XII.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.</h3> Mr. Pour. Ah! I am murdered! What vexation! What a cursed town! Assassinated everywhere! Sbri. What is it, Sir? Has anything new happened? Mr. Pour. Yes; it rains doctors and women in this country. Sbri. How is that? Mr. Pour. Two jabbering jades have just been accusing me of being married to both of them, and have threatened me with justice. Sbri. This is a bad business, for in this country justice is terribly rigorous against that sort of crime. Mr. Pour. Yes; but even if there should be information, citation, decree, and verdict obtained by surprise, default, and contumacy, I have still the alternative of a conflict of jurisdiction to gain time, and a resort to the means of nullity that will be found in the court case. Sbri. The very terms, and it is easy to see that you are in the profession, Sir. Mr. Pour. I? Certainly not; I am a gentleman.14 Sbri. But to speak as you do, you must have studied the law. Mr. Pour. Not at all. It is only common sense which tells me that I shall always be admitted to be justified by facts, and that I could not be condemned upon a simple accusation, without witnesses, evidence, and confrontation with my adverse party. Sbri. This is more clever still. Mr. Pour. These words come into my head without my knowledge. Sbri. It seems to me that the common sense of a gentleman may go so far as to understand what belongs to right and the order of justice, but not to know the very terms of chicane. Mr. Pour. They are a few words I remember from reading novels. Sbri. Ah! I see. Mr. Pour. To show you that I understand nothing of chicane, I beg of you to take me to a lawyer to have advice upon this affair. Sbri. Willingly. I will take you to two very clever men; but, first, I must tell you not to be surprised at their manner of speaking. They have contracted at the bar a certain habit of declaiming which looks like singing, and you would think all they tell you is nothing but music. Mr. Pour. It does not matter how they speak, as long as they tell me what I wish to know!   <h3>SCENE XIII.——MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, TWO LAWYERS, TWO ATTORNEYS, TWO SERGEANTS.</h3> <div class="center"> 1st Lawyer (drawling out his words). <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="3" summary="song"> <tr> <td align="left"> Polygamy's a case, you find, A case of hanging. </td> </tr> </table></div> <div class="center"> 2nd Lawyer (singing and speaking very fast). <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="3" summary="song"> <tr> <td align="left"> Your deed Is plain and clear, And all the gear Of wigs and law Upon this flaw One verdict bear. Consult our authors, Legislators and glossators, Justinian, Papinian, Ulpian and Tribonian, Fernand, Rebuffe, Jean Imole, Paul Castro, Julian Barthole, 15 Jason, Aloyat, and Cujas That mighty mind! Polygamy's a case, you'll find, A case of hanging. </td> </tr> </table> Ballet, while the 2nd Lawyer sings as before. <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="3" summary="song"> <tr> <td align="left"> All nations civilised, French, Dutch, and English, Portuguese, Germans, Flemish, Italians and Spanish, By wisdom's sceptre swayed, For this the self-same law have made. The affair allows no doubt, Polygamy's a case, A case of hanging. </td> </tr> </table> (Mr. de Pourceaugnac, irritated, drives them all away.) </div>     <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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