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Verse and Worse

<h1>VERSE AND WORSE</h1> <hr style="width: 45%;" /> <h2>VERSE AND WORSE</h2> <hr style="width: 45%;" /> <h1> VERSE AND WORSE</h1> BY <big>HARRY GRAHAM</big> ('COL. D. STREAMER') AUTHOR OF 'BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR,' 'RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS HOMES,' 'MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN,' 'FISCAL BALLADS,' ETC., ETC. LONDON EDWARD ARNOLD 41 & 43 MADDOX STREET, BOND STREET, W. 1905 [All rights reserved] <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>NOTE</h2> The Baby's Baedeker and Perverted Proverbs have been published in America by Mr. R. H. Russell and Messrs. Harper Bros. of New York. 'The Ballad of Ping-pong,' 'Bill,' and 'The Place where the Old Cleek Broke,' have appeared in The Century Magazine, The Outlook, and Golf respectively. 'Uncle Joe,' 'Aunt Eliza,' 'John,' 'The Cat,' and 'Bluebeard,' were included in Mr. Russell's American edition of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes. <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg v] <h2>CONTENTS</h2> <div class="center"> <table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="toc"> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left"></td><td align="right">PAGE</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Author's Preface</td><td align="right">ix</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Foreword</td><td align="right">xi</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">PART I</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">THE BABY'S BAEDEKER</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">i.</td><td align="left"> Abroad</td><td align="right">3</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">ii.</td><td align="left"> United States of America</td><td align="right">6</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">iii.</td><td align="left"> Great Britain</td><td align="right">9</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">iv.</td><td align="left"> Scotland</td><td align="right">11</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">v.</td><td align="left"> Ireland</td><td align="right">13</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">vi.</td><td align="left"> Wales</td><td align="right">15</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">vii.</td><td align="left"> China</td><td align="right">16</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">viii.</td><td align="left"> France</td><td align="right">19</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">ix.</td><td align="left"> Germany</td><td align="right">21</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">x.</td><td align="left"> Holland</td><td align="right">23</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xi.</td><td align="left"> Iceland</td><td align="right">26</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xii.</td><td align="left"> Italy</td><td align="right">27</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xiii.</td><td align="left"> Japan</td><td align="right">30</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xiv.</td><td align="left"> Portugal</td><td align="right">32</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xv.</td><td align="left"> Russia</td><td align="right">33</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xvi.</td><td align="left"> Spain</td><td align="right">36</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xvii.</td><td align="left"> Switzerland</td><td align="right">39</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xviii.</td><td align="left"> Turkey</td><td align="right">41</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xix.</td><td align="left"> Dreamland</td><td align="right">44</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xx.</td><td align="left"> Stageland</td><td align="right">47</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xxi.</td><td align="left"> Loverland</td><td align="right">48</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">xxii.</td><td align="left"> Homeland</td><td align="right">53</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">PART II</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">CHILDISH COMPLAINTS AND OTHER RUTHLESS RHYMES</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">Childish Complaints—</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Prelude</td><td align="right">57</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Appendicitis</td><td align="right">61</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Whooping-Cough</td><td align="right">61</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Measles</td><td align="right">62</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Adenoids</td><td align="right">62</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Croup</td><td align="right">62</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">Ruthless Rhymes—</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">i.</td><td align="left">Mother-Wit</td><td align="right">63</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">ii.</td><td align="left">Uncle Joe</td><td align="right">64</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">iii.</td><td align="left">Aunt Eliza</td><td align="right">65</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">iv.</td><td align="left">Absent-mindedness</td><td align="right">66</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">v.</td><td align="left">John</td><td align="right">68</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">vi.</td><td align="left">Baby</td><td align="right">71</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">vii.</td><td align="left">The Cat</td><td align="right">72</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">PART III</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">PERVERTED PROVERBS</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">i.</td><td align="left">'Virtue is its own Reward'</td><td align="right">77</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">ii.</td><td align="left">'Enough is as Good as a Feast'</td><td align="right">86</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">iii.</td><td align="left">'Don't Buy a Pig in a Poke'</td><td align="right">89</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">iv.</td><td align="left">'Learn to Take Things Easily'</td><td align="right">91</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">v.</td><td align="left">'A Rolling Stone Gathers no Moss'</td><td align="right">92</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">vi.</td><td align="left">'It is Never Too Late to Mend'</td><td align="right">96</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">vii.</td><td align="left">'A Bad Workman Complains of his Tools'</td><td align="right">99</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">viii.</td><td align="left">'Don't Look a Gift-horse in the Mouth'</td><td align="right">100</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">ix.</td><td align="left">Potpourri</td><td align="right">103</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">PART IV</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="center">OTHER VERSES</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Bill</td><td align="right">111</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Legend of the Author</td><td align="right">114</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Motriot</td><td align="right">128</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Ballad of the Artist</td><td align="right">130</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Ballad of Ping-pong</td><td align="right">135</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Pessimist</td><td align="right">138</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Place where the Old Cleek Broke</td><td align="right">140</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Homes of London</td><td align="right">143</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Happiest Land</td><td align="right">146</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">A London Involuntary</td><td align="right">151</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Bluebeard</td><td align="right">154</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Woman with the Dead Soles</td><td align="right">166</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Rosemary (A Ballad of the Boudoir)</td><td align="right">170</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Portknockie's Porter</td><td align="right">172</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">The Ballad of the Little Jinglander</td><td align="right">176</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Aftword</td><td align="right">182</td></tr> <tr><td align="right"></td><td align="left">Envoi</td><td align="right">185</td></tr> </table></div> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg ix] <h2>AUTHOR'S PREFACE</h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> With guilty, conscience-stricken tears, I offer up these rhymes of mine To children of maturer years (From Seventeen to Ninety-nine). A special solace may they be In days of second infancy. </div> <div class="stanza"> The frenzied mother who observes This volume in her offspring's hand, And trembles for the darling's nerves, Must please to clearly understand, If baby suffers by and by The Publisher's at fault, not I![Pg x] </div> <div class="stanza"> But should the little brat survive, And fatten on this style of Rhyme, To raise a Heartless Home and thrive Through a successful life of crime, The Publisher would have you see That I am to be thanked, not he! </div> <div class="stanza"> Fond parent, you whose children are Of tender age (from two to eight), Pray keep this little volume far From reach of such, and relegate My verses to an upper shelf; Where you may study them yourself. </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg xi] <h2>FOREWORD</h2> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The Press may pass my Verses by With sentiments of indignation, And say, like Greeks of old, that I Corrupt the Youthful Generation; I am unmoved by taunts like these— (And so, I think, was Socrates). </div> <div class="stanza"> Howe'er the Critics may revile, I pick no journalistic quarrels, Quite realising that my Style Makes up for any lack of Morals; For which I feel no shred of shame— (And Byron would have felt the same). [Pg xii]</div> <div class="stanza"> I don't intend a Child to read These lines, which are not for the Young; For, if I did, I should indeed Feel fully worthy to be hung. (Is 'hanged' the perfect tense of 'hang'? Correct me, Mr. Andrew Lang!) </div> <div class="stanza"> O Young of Heart, tho' in your prime, By you these verses may be seen! Accept the Moral with the Rhyme, And try to gather what I mean. But, if you can't, it won't hurt me! (And Browning would, I know, agree.) </div> <div class="stanza"> Be reassured, I have not got The style of Stephen Phillips' heroes, Nor Henry Jones's pow'r of Plot, Nor wit like Arthur Wing Pinero's! (If so, I should not waste my time In writing you this sort of rhyme.) [Pg xiii]</div> <div class="stanza"> I strive to paint things as they Are, Of Realism the true Apostle; All flow'ry metaphors I bar, Nor call the homely thrush a 'throstle.' Such synonyms would make me smile. (And so they would have made Carlyle.) </div> <div class="stanza"> My Style may be, at times, I own, A trifle cryptic or abstruse; In this I do not stand alone, And need but mention, in excuse, A thousand world-familiar names, From Meredith to Henry James. </div> <div class="stanza"> From these my fruitless fancy roams To Aesop's or La Fontaine's Fable, From Doyle's or Hemans' 'Stately Ho(l)mes,' To t'other of The Breakfast Table; Like Galahad, I wish (in vain) 'My wit were as the wit of Twain! [Pg xiv]</div> <div class="stanza"> Had I but Whitman's rugged skill, (And managed to escape the Censor), The Accuracy of a Mill, The Reason of a Herbert Spencer, The literary talents even Of Sidney Lee or Leslie Stephen, </div> <div class="stanza"> The pow'r of Patmore's placid pen, Or Watson's gift of execration, The sugar of Le Gallienne, Or Algernon's alliteration, One post there is I'd not be lost in, —Tho' I might find it most ex-Austin'! </div> <div class="stanza"> Some day, if I but study hard, The public, vanquished by my pen, 'll Acclaim me as a Minor Bard, Like Norman Gale or Mrs. Meynell; And listen to my lyre a-rippling Imperial banjo-spasms like Kipling. [Pg xv]</div> <div class="stanza"> Were I, like him, a syndicate, Which publishers would put their trust in; A Walter Pater up-to-date, Or flippant scholar like Augustine; With pen as light as lark or squirrel, I'd love to kipple, pate and birrell. </div> <div class="stanza"> So don't ignore me. If you should, 'Twill touch me to the very heart oh! To be as much misunderstood As once was Andrea del Sarto; Unrecognised, to toil away, Like Millet,—(not, of course, Millais). </div> <div class="stanza"> And, pray, for Morals do not look In this unique agglomeration, —This unpretentious little book Of Infelicitous Quotation. I deem you foolish if you do, (And Mr. Arnold thinks so, too). </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 1] <h2>PART I</h2> <h2>THE BABY'S BAEDEKER</h2> An International Guide-Book for the young of all ages; peculiarly adapted to the wants of first and second Childhood. <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 3] <h3>I</h3> <h3>ABROAD</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Abroad is where we tourists spend, In divers unalluring ways, The brief occasional week-end, Or annual Easter holidays; And earn the (not ill-founded) charge Of being lunatics at large. </div> <div class="stanza"> Abroad, we lose our self-respect; Wear whiskers; let our teeth protrude; Consider any garb correct, And no display of temper rude; Descending, when we cross the foam, To depths we dare not plumb at home. [Pg 4]</div> <div class="stanza"> (Small wonder that the natives gaze, With hostile eyes, at foreign freaks, Who patronise their Passion-plays, In lemon-coloured chessboard breeks; An op'ra-glass about each neck, And on each head a cap of check.) </div> <div class="stanza"> Abroad, where needy younger sons, When void the parent's treasure-chest, Take refuge from insistent duns, At urgent relatives' request; To live upon their slender wits, Or sums some maiden-aunt remits. </div> <div class="stanza"> Abroad, whence (with a wisdom rare) Regardless of nostalgic pains, The weary New York millionaire Retires with his oil-gotten gains, And learns how deep a pleasure 'tis To found our Public Libraries. [Pg 5]</div> <div class="stanza"> For ours is the primeval clan, From which all lesser lights descend; Is Crockett not our countryman? And call we not Corelli friend? Our brotherhood has bred the brain Whose offspring bear the brand of Caine. </div> <div class="stanza"> Tho' nowadays we seldom hear Miss Proctor, who mislaid a chord, Or Tennyson, the poet peer, Who came into the garden, Mord; Tho' Burns be dead, and Keats unread, We have a prophet still in Stead. </div> <div class="stanza"> And so we stare, with nose in air; And speak in condescending tone, Of foreigners whose climes compare So favourably with our own; And aliens we cannot applaud Who call themselves At Home Abroad! </div> </div> [Pg 6] <h3>II</h3> <h3>UNITED STATES OF AMERICA</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> This is the Country of the Free, The Cocktail and the Ten Cent Chew; Where you're as good a man as me, And I'm a better man than you! (O Liberty, how free we make! Freedom, what liberties we take!) </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Tis here the startled tourist meets, 'Mid clanging of a thousand bells, The railways running through the streets, Skyscraping flats and vast hotels, Where rest, on the resplendent floors, The necessary cuspidors. [Pg 7]</div> <div class="stanza"> And here you may encounter too The pauper immigrants in shoals, The Swede, the German, and the Jew, The Irishman, who rules the polls And is employed to keep the peace, A venal and corrupt police. </div> <div class="stanza"> They are so busy here, you know, They have no time at all for play; Each morning to their work they go And stay there all the livelong day; Their dreams of happiness depend On making more than they can spend. </div> <div class="stanza"> The ladies of this land are all Developed to a pitch sublime, Some inches over six foot tall, With perfect figures all the time. (For further notice of their looks See Mr. Dana Gibson's books.) [Pg 8]</div> <div class="stanza"> And, if they happen to possess Sufficient balance at the bank, They have the chance of saying 'Yes!' To needy foreigners of rank; The future dukes of all the earth Are half American by birth. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> A 'dot' combining cash with charms Is worth a thousand coats-of-arms. </div> </div> [Pg 9] <h3>III</h3> <h3>GREAT BRITAIN</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The British are a chilly race. The Englishman is thin and tall; He screws an eyeglass in his face, And talks with a reluctant drawl. 'Good Gwacious! This is doosid slow! By Jove! Haw demmy! Don't-cher-know!' </div> <div class="stanza"> The Englishwoman ev'rywhere A meed of admiration wins; She has a crown of silken hair, And quite the loveliest of skins. (Go forth and seek an English maid, Your trouble will be well repaid.) [Pg 10]</div> <div class="stanza"> Where Britain's banner is unfurled There's room for nothing else beside, She owns one-quarter of the world, And still she is not satisfied. The Briton thinks himself, by birth, To be the lord of all the earth. </div> <div class="stanza"> Some call his manners wanting, or His sense of humour poor, and yet Whatever he is striving for He as a rule contrives to get; His methods may be much to blame, But he arrives there just the same. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> If you can get your wish, you bet it Doesn't much matter how you get it! </div> </div> [Pg 11] <h3>IV</h3> <h3>SCOTLAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> In Scotland all the people wear Red hair and freckles, and one sees The men in women's dresses there, With stout, décolleté, low-necked knees. ('Eblins ye dinna ken, I doot, We're unco guid, so hoot, mon, hoot!') </div> <div class="stanza"> They love 'ta whuskey' and 'ta Kirk'; I don't know which they like the most. They aren't the least afraid of work; No sense of humour can they boast; And you require an axe to coax The canny Scot to see your jokes. [Pg 12]</div> <div class="stanza"> They play an instrument they call The bagpipes; and the sound of these Is reminiscent of the squall Of infant pigs attacked by bees; Music that might drive cats away Or make reluctant chickens lay. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Wear kilts, and, tho' men look askance, Go out and give your knees a chance. </div> </div> [Pg 13] <h3>V</h3> <h3>IRELAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The Irishman is never quite Contented with his little lot; He's ever thirsting for a fight, A grievance he has always got; And all his energy is bent On trying not to pay his rent. </div> <div class="stanza"> He lives upon a frugal fare (The few potatoes that he digs), And hospitably loves to share His bedroom with his wife and pigs; But cannot settle even here, And gets evicted once a year. [Pg 14]</div> <div class="stanza"> In order to amuse himself, At any time when things are slack, He takes his gun down from the shelf And shoots a landlord in the back; If he is lucky in the chase, He may contrive to bag a brace. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Procure a grievance and a gun And you can have no end of fun. </div> </div> [Pg 15] <h3>VI</h3> <h3>WALES</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The natives of the land of Wales Are not a very truthful lot, And the imagination fails To paint the language they have got; Bettws-y-coed-llan-dud-nod- Dolgelly-rhiwlas-cwn-wm-dod! </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> If you must talk, then do it, pray, In an intelligible way. </div> </div> [Pg 16] <h3>VII</h3> <h3>CHINA</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The Chinaman from early youth Is by his wise preceptors taught To have no dealings with the Truth, In fact, romancing is his 'forte.' In juggling words he takes the prize, By the sheer beauty of his lies. </div> <div class="stanza"> For laundrywork he has a knack; He takes in shirts and makes them blue; When he omits to send them back He takes his customers in too. He must be ranked in the 'élite' Of those whose hobby is deceit. [Pg 17]</div> <div class="stanza"> For ladies 'tis the fashion here To pinch their feet and make them small, Which, to the civilised idea, Is not a proper thing at all. Our modern Western woman's taste In pinching leans towards the waist. </div> <div class="stanza"> The Chinese Empire is the field Where foreign missionaries go; A poor result their labours yield, And they have little fruit to show; For, if you would convert Wun Lung, You have to catch him very young. </div> <div class="stanza"> The Chinaman has got a creed And a religion of his own, And would be much obliged indeed If you could leave his soul alone; And he prefers, which may seem odd, His own to other people's god. [Pg 18]</div> <div class="stanza"> Yet still the missionary tries To point him out his wickedness, Until the badgered natives rise,— And there's one missionary less! Then foreign Pow'rs step in, you see, And ask for an indemnity. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Adhere to facts, avoid romance, And you a clergyman may be; To lie is wrong, except perchance In matters of Diplomacy. And, when you start out to convert, Make certain that you don't get hurt! </div> </div> [Pg 19] <h3>VIII</h3> <h3>FRANCE</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The natives here remark 'Mon Dieu!' 'Que voulez-vous?' 'Comment ça va?' 'Sapristi! Par exemple! Un peu!' 'Tiens donc! Mais qu'est-ce que c'est que ça?' They shave one portion of their dogs, And live exclusively on frogs. </div> <div class="stanza"> They get excited very quick, And crowds will gather before long If you should stand and wave your stick And shout, 'À bas le Presidong!' Still more amusing would it be To say, 'Conspuez la Patrie!' [Pg 20]</div> <div class="stanza"> The French are so polite, you know, They take their hats off very well, And, should they tread upon your toe, Remark, 'Pardon, Mademoiselle!' And you would gladly bear the pain To see them make that bow again. </div> <div class="stanza"> Their ladies too have got a way Which even curates can't resist; 'Twould make an Alderman feel gay Or soothe a yellow journalist; And then the things they say are so Extremely—well, in fact,—you know! </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> The closest scrutiny can find No morals here of any kind. </div> </div> [Pg 21] <h3>IX</h3> <h3>GERMANY</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The German is a stolid soul, And finds best suited to his taste A pipe with an enormous bowl, A fraulein with an ample waist; He loves his beer, his Kaiser, and (Donner und blitz!) his Fatherland! </div> <div class="stanza"> He's perfectly contented if He listens in the Op'ra-house To Wagner's well-concealed 'motif,' Or waltzes of the nimble Strauss; And all discordant bands he sends Abroad, to soothe his foreign friends. [Pg 22]</div> <div class="stanza"> When he is glad at anything He cheers like a dyspeptic goat, 'Hoch! hoch!' You'd think him suffering From some affection of the throat. A disagreeable noise, 'tis true, But pleases him and don't hurt you! </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> A glass of lager underneath the bough, A long 'churchwarden' and an ample 'frau' Beside me sitting in a Biergarten, Ach! Biergarten were paradise enow! </div> </div> [Pg 23] <h3>X</h3> <h3>HOLLAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> This country is extremely flat, Just like your father's head, and were It not for dykes and things like that There would not be much country there, For, if these banks should broken be, What now is land would soon be sea. </div> <div class="stanza"> So, any child who glory seeks, And in a dyke observes a hole, Must hold his finger there for weeks, And keep the water from its goal, Until the local plumbers come, Or other persons who can plumb. [Pg 24]</div> <div class="stanza"> The Hollanders have somehow got The name of Dutch (why, goodness knows!), But Mrs. Hollander is not A 'duchess' as you might suppose; Mynheer Von Vanderpump is much More used to style her his 'Old Dutch.' </div> <div class="stanza"> Their cities' names are somewhat odd, But much in vogue with golfing men Who miss a 'put' or slice a sod, (Whose thoughts I would not dare to pen), 'Oh, Rotterdam!' they can exclaim, And blamelessly resume the game. </div> <div class="stanza"> The Dutchman's dress is very neat; He minds his little flock of goats In cotton blouse, and on his feet He dons a pair of wooden boats. (He evidently does not trust Those dykes I mentioned not to bust). [Pg 25]</div> <div class="stanza"> He has the reputation too Of being what is known as 'slim,' Which merely means he does to you What you had hoped to do to him; He has a business head, that's all, And takes some beating, does Oom Paul. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Avoid a country where the sea May any day drop in to tea, Rememb'ring that, at golf, one touch Of bunker makes the whole world Dutch! </div> </div> [Pg 26] <h3>XI</h3> <h3>ICELAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The climate is intensely cold; Wild curates would not drag me there; Not tho' they brought great bags of gold, And piled them underneath my chair. If twenty bishops bade me go, I should decidedly say, 'No!' </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> If ev'ry man has got his price, As generally is agreed, You will, by taking my advice, Let yours be very large indeed. Corruption is not nice at all, Unless the bribe be far from small. </div> </div> [Pg 27] <h3>XII</h3> <h3>ITALY</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> In Italy the sky is blue; The native loafs and lolls about, He's nothing in the world to do, And does it fairly well, no doubt; (Ital-i-ans are disinclined To honest work of any kind). </div> <div class="stanza"> A light Chianti wine he drinks, And fancies it extremely good; (It tastes like Stephens' Blue-black Inks);— While macaroni is his food. (I think it must be rather hard To eat one's breakfast by the yard). [Pg 28]</div> <div class="stanza"> And, when he leaves his country for Some northern climate, 'tis his dream To be an organ grinder, or Retail bacilli in ice-cream. (The French or German student terms These creatures 'Parisites' or 'Germs.') </div> <div class="stanza"> Sometimes an anarchist is he, And wants to slay a king or queen; So with some dynamite, may be, Concocts a murderous machine; 'Here goes!' he shouts, 'For Freedom's sake!' Then blows himself up by mistake. </div> <div class="stanza"> Naples and Florence both repay A visit, and, if fortune takes Your toddling little feet that way, Do stop a moment at The Lakes. While, should you go to Rome, I hope You'll leave your card upon the Pope. [Pg 29]</div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Don't work too hard, but use a wise discretion; Adopt the least laborious profession. Don't be an anarchist, but, if you must, Don't let your bombshell prematurely bust. </div> </div> [Pg 30] <h3>XIII</h3> <h3>JAPAN</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Inhabitants of far Japan Are happy as the day is long To sit behind a paper fan And sing a kind of tuneless song, Desisting, ev'ry little while, To have a public bath, or smile. </div> <div class="stanza"> The members of the fairer sex Are clad in a becoming dress, One garment reaching from their necks Down to the ankles more or less; Behind each dainty ear they wear A cherry-blossom in their hair. [Pg 31]</div> <div class="stanza"> If 'Imitation's flattery' (We learn it at our mother's lap), A flatterer by birth must be Our clever little friend the Jap, Who does whatever we can do, And does it rather better too. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Be happy all the time, and plan To wash as often as you can. </div> </div> [Pg 32] <h3>XIV</h3> <h3>PORTUGAL</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> You are requested, if you please, To note that here a people lives Referred to as the Portuguese; A fact which naturally gives The funny man a good excuse To call his friend a Portugoose. </div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Avoid the obvious, if you can, And never be a funny man. </div> </div> [Pg 33] <h3>XV</h3> <h3>RUSSIA</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The Russian Empire, as you see, Is governed by an Autocrat, A sort of human target he For anarchists to practise at; And much relieved most people are Not to be lodging with the Czar. </div> <div class="stanza"> The Russian lets his whiskers grow, Smokes cigarettes at meal-times, and Imbibes more 'vodki' than 'il faut'; A habit which (I understand) Enables him with ease to tell His name, which nobody could spell. [Pg 34]</div> <div class="stanza"> The climate here is cold, with snow, And you go driving in a sleigh, With bells and all the rest, you know, Just like a Henry Irving play; While, all around you, glare the eyes Of secret officers and spies! </div> <div class="stanza"> The Russian prisons have no drains, No windows or such things as that; You have no playthings there but chains, And no companion but a rat; When once behind the dungeon door, Your friends don't see you any more. </div> <div class="stanza"> I further could enlarge, 'tis true, But fear my trembling pen confines; I have no wish to travel to Siberia and work the mines. (In Russia you must write with care, Or the police will take you there.) [Pg 35]</div> <div class="stanza"></div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> If you hold morbid views about A monarch's premature decease, You only need a—Hi! Look out! Here comes an agent of police! .  .  .  .  . (In future my address will be 'Siberia, Cell 63.') </div> </div> [Pg 36] <h3>XVI</h3> <h3>SPAIN</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> 'Tis here the Spanish onion grows, And they eat garlic all the day, So, if you have a tender nose, 'Tis best to go the other way, Or else you may discern, at length, The fact that 'Onion is strength.' </div> <div class="stanza"> The chestnuts flourish in this land, Quite good to eat, as you will find, For they are not, you understand, The ancient after-dinner kind That Yankees are accustomed to From Mr. Chauncey M. Depew. [Pg 37]</div> <div class="stanza"> The Spanish lady, by the bye, Is an alluring person who Has got a bright and flashing eye, And knows just how to use it too; It's quite a treat to see her meet The proud hidalgo on the street. </div> <div class="stanza"> He wears a sort of soft felt hat, A dagger, and a cloak, you know, Just like the wicked villains that We met in plays of long ago, Who sneaked about with aspect glum, Remarking, 'Ha! A time will come!' </div> <div class="stanza"> His blood, of blue cerulean hue, Runs in his veins like liquid fire, And he can be most rude if you Should rob him of his heart's desire; 'Caramba!' he exclaims, and whack! His dagger perforates your back! [Pg 38]</div> <div class="stanza"> If you should care to patronise A bull-fight, as you will no doubt, You'll see a horse with blinded eyes Be very badly mauled about; By such a scene a weak inside Is sometimes rather sorely tried. </div> <div class="stanza"> And, if the bull is full of fun, The horse is generally gored, So then they fetch another one, Or else the first one is encored; The humour of the sport, of course, Is not so patent to the horse. </div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Be kind to ev'ry bull you meet, Remember how the creature feels; Don't wink at ladies in the street; And don't make speeches after meals; And lastly, I need not explain, If you're a horse, don't go to Spain. </div> </div> [Pg 39] <h3>XVII</h3> <h3>SWITZERLAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> This atmosphere is pure ozone! To climb the hills you promptly start; Unless you happen to be prone To palpitations of the heart; In which case swarming up the Alps Brings on a bad attack of palps. </div> <div class="stanza"> The nicest method is to stay Quite comfortably down below, And, from the steps of your chalet, Watch other people upwards go. Then you can buy an alpenstock, And scratch your name upon a rock. [Pg 40]</div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Don't do fatiguing things which you Can pay another man to do. Let friends assume (they may be wrong), That you each year ascend Mong Blong. Some things you can pretend you've done, And climbing up the Alps is one. </div> </div> [Pg 41] <h3>XVIII</h3> <h3>TURKEY</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The Sultan of the Purple East Is quite a cynic, in his way, And really doesn't mind the least His nickname of 'Abdul the ——' (Nay! I might perhaps come in for blame If I divulged this monarch's name.) </div> <div class="stanza"> The Turk is such a kindly man, But his ideas of sport are crude; He to the poor Armenian Is not intentionally rude, But still it is his heartless habit To treat him as we treat the rabbit. [Pg 42]</div> <div class="stanza"> If he wants bracing up a bit, His pleasing little custom is To take a hatchet and commit A series of atrocities. I should not fancy, after dark, To meet him, say, in Regent's Park. </div> <div class="stanza"> A deeply married man is he, 'Early and often' is his rule; He practises polygamy Directly after leaving school, And so arranges that his wives Live happy but secluded lives. </div> <div class="stanza"> If they attend a public place, They have to do so in disguise, And so conceal one-half their face That nothing but a pair of eyes Suggests the hidden charm that lurks Beneath the veils of lady Turks. [Pg 43]</div> <div class="stanza"> Then too in Turkey all the men Smoke water-pipes and cross their legs; They watch their harem as a hen That guards her first attempt at eggs. (If you don't know what harems are, Just run and ask your dear papa.) </div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Wives of great men oft remind us We should make our wives sublime, But the years advancing find us Vainly working over-time. We could minimise our work By the methods of the Turk. </div> </div> [Pg 44] <h3>XIX</h3> <h3>DREAMLAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Here you will see strange happenings With absolutely placid eyes; If all your uncles sprouted wings You would not feel the least surprise; The oddest things that you can do Don't seem a bit absurd to you. </div> <div class="stanza"> You go (in Dreamland) to a ball, And suddenly are shocked to find That you have nothing on at all,— But somehow no one seems to mind; And, naturally, you don't care, If they can bear what you can bare! [Pg 45]</div> <div class="stanza"> Then, in a moment, you're pursued By engines on a railway track! Your legs are tied, your feet are glued, The train comes snorting down your back! One last attempt at flight you make And so (in bed) perspiring wake. </div> <div class="stanza"> You feel so free from weight of cares That, if the staircase you should climb, You gaily mount, not single stairs, But whole battalions at a time; (My metaphor is mixed, may be, I quote from Shakespeare, as you see). </div> <div class="stanza"> If you should eat too much, you pay (In dreams) the penalty for this; A nightmare carries you away And drops you down a precipice! [Pg 46] Down! down! until, with sudden smack, You strike the mattress with your back. </div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> At meals decline to be a beast; 'Too much is better than a feast.' </div> </div> [Pg 47] <h3>XX</h3> <h3>STAGELAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The customs of this land have all Been published in a bulky tome. The author is a man they call Jerome K. Jerome K. Jerome. So, lest on his preserves I poach, This subject I refuse to broach. </div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> The moral here is plain to see. If true the hackneyed witticism Which stamps Originality As 'undetected plagiarism,' What a vocation I have miss'd As undetected plagiarist! </div> </div> [Pg 48] <h3>XXI</h3> <h3>LOVERLAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> This is the land where minor bards And other lunatics repair, To live in houses made of cards, Or build their castles in the air; To feed on hope, and idly dream That things are really what they seem. </div> <div class="stanza"> The natives are a motley lot, Of ev'ry age and creed and race, But each inhabitant has got The same expression on his face; They look, when this their features fills, Like angels with internal chills. [Pg 49]</div> <div class="stanza"> The lover sits, the livelong day, Quite inarticulate of speech; He simply brims with things to say; Alas! the words he cannot reach, And, silent, lets occasion pass, Feeling a fulminating ass. </div> <div class="stanza"> It is the lady lover's wont To blush, and look demure or coy, To say, 'You mustn't!' and, 'Oh! don't!' Or, 'Please leave off, you naughty boy!' (But this, of course, is just her way, She wouldn't wish you to obey.) </div> <div class="stanza"> The lover, in a trembling voice, Demands the hand of his lovee, And begs the lady of his choice To share some cottage-by-the-sea; With her a prison would be nice, A coal-cellar a Paradise! [Pg 50]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'Love in a cottage' sounds so well; But oh, my too impatient bride, No drainage and a constant smell Of something being over-fried Is not the sort of atmosphere That makes for wedded bliss, my dear. </div> <div class="stanza"> And when the bills are rather high, And when the money's rather low, See poor Virginia sit and sigh, And ask why Paul must grumble so! He slams the door and strides about, And, through the window, Love creeps out. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Tis said that Cupid blinds our sight With fire of passion from above, Nor ever bids us see aright The many faults in those we love; Ah no! I deem it otherwise, For lovers have the clearest eyes. [Pg 51]</div> <div class="stanza"> They see the faults, the failures, and The great temptations, and they know, Although they cannot understand, That they would have the loved one so. Believe me, Love is never blind, His smiling eyes are wise and kind. </div> <div class="stanza"> Tho' lovers quarrel, yet, I ween, 'Tis but to make it up again; The sunshine seems the more serene That follows after April rain; And love should lead, if love be true, To perfect understanding too. </div> <div class="stanza"> If in our hearts this love beats strong, We shall not ever seek to earn Forgiveness for some fancied wrong, Nor need to pardon in return; But learn this lesson as we live, 'To understand is to forgive.' [Pg 52]</div> <div class="stanza"> And all you little girls and boys Will find this out yourselves, some day, When you have done with childish toys And put your infant books away. Ah! then I pray that hand-in-hand You tread the paths of Loverland. </div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> Don't fall in love, but, when you do, Take care that he (or she) does too; And, lastly, to misquote the bard, If you must love, don't love too hard. </div> </div> [Pg 53] <h3>XXII</h3> <h3>HOMELAND</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The tour is over! We must part! Our mutual journey at an end. O bid farewell, with aching heart, To guide, philosopher, and friend; And note, as you remark 'Good-bye!' The kindly tear that dims his eye. </div> <div class="stanza"> The tour is ended! Sad but true! No more together may we roam! We turn our lonely footsteps to The spot that's known as Home, Sweet Home. Nor time nor temper can afford A more protracted trip abroad. [Pg 54]</div> <div class="stanza"> O Home! where we must always be So hopelessly misunderstood; Where waits a tactless family, To tell us things 'for our own good'; Where relatives, with searchlight eyes, Can penetrate our choicest lies. </div> <div class="stanza"> Where all our kith and kin combine To prove that we are worse than rude, If we should criticise the wine Or make complaints about the food. Thank goodness, then, to quote the pome, Thank goodness there's 'no place like Home!' </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 55] <h2>PART II</h2> <h2>CHILDISH COMPLAINTS AND OTHER RUTHLESS RHYMES</h2> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 57] <h2>CHILDISH COMPLAINTS</h2> <h3>PRELUDE</h3> (By Way of Advertisement) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> I have no knowledge of disease, No notion what ill-health may be, Since Housemaid's Throat and Smoker's Knees Mean something different to me To what they do to other folk. (This is, I vow, no vulgar joke.) </div> <div class="stanza"> Of course, when young, I had complaints, And little childish accidents; For twice I ate a box of paints, And once I swallowed eighteen pence. (N.B., I missed the paints a lot, But got the coins back on the spot.) [Pg 58]</div> <div class="stanza"> But no practitioner has seen My tongue since then, down to the present, And I, alas! have never been An interesting convalescent. Ah! why am I alone denied The Humour of a weak inside? </div> <div class="stanza"> Why is it? I will tell you why; A certain mixture is to blame. One day for fun I chanced to try A bottle of—what is the name? That thing they advertise a lot,— (Oh, what a memory I've got!) </div> <div class="stanza"> It's stuff you must, of course, have seen, Retailed in bottles, tins, or pots, In cakes or little pills, I mean— (Oh goodness me! I've bought such lots, That I am really much to blame For not remembering the name!) [Pg 59]</div> <div class="stanza"> Still, let me recommend a keg (With maker's name, be sure, above it), 'Tis sweeter than a new-mown egg, And village idiots simply love it; Old persons sit and scream for it,— I do so hope you'll try a bit! </div> <div class="stanza"> So efficacious is this stuff, Its virtue and its strength are such, One single bottle is enough,— In fact, at times, 'tis far too much. (The patient dies in frightful pain, Or else survives, and tries again.) </div> <div class="stanza"> An aunt of mine felt anyhow, All kind-of-odd, and gone-to-bits, Had freckles badly too; but now She doesn't have a thing but fits. She's just as strong as any horse,— Tho' still an invalid, of course. [Pg 60]</div> <div class="stanza"> I had an uncle, too, that way, His health was in a dreadful plight; Would often spend a sleepless day, And lie unconscious half the night. He took two bottles, large and small, And now—he has no health at all! </div> <div class="stanza"> The Moral plainly bids you buy This stuff, whose name I have forgotten; You won't regret it, if you try— (My memory is simply rotten!) My funds will profit, in addition, Since I enjoy a small commission! </div> </div> [Pg 61] <h3>CHILDISH COMPLAINTS</h3> <h3>No. 1 (Appendicitis)</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> I've got Appendicitis In my Appendicit, But I don't mind, Because I find I'm quite 'cut out' for it. </div> </div> <h3>No. 2. (Whooping-cough)</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> If only I had Whooping-cough! I'd join a Circus troupe! And folks would clamour at the door, And pay a shilling—even more, To see me 'Whoop The Whoop.' </div> </div> [Pg 62] <h3>No. 3. (Measles)</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Of illnesses like chickenpox And measles I've had lots; I do not like them much, you know, They are not really nice, altho' They're rather nice in spots. </div> </div> <h3>No. 4. (Adenoids)</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> A Cockney maid produced such snores, Folks left the City to avoid them; And all becos, She said, it was Her adenoids that 'ad annoyed them! </div> </div> <h3>No. 5. (Croup)</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> I had the Croup, in years gone by, And that is why to-day, Altho' no longer youthful, I Am still a Croupier. </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 63] <h2>RUTHLESS RHYMES</h2> <h3>I MOTHER-WIT</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> When wilful little Willie Black Threw all the tea-things at his mother, She murmured, as she hurled them back, 'One good Tea-urn deserves another!' </div> </div> [Pg 64] <h3>II UNCLE JOE</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Poor Uncle Joe has gone, you know, To rest beyond the stars. I miss him, oh! I miss him so,— He had such good cigars. </div> </div> [Pg 65] <h3>III AUNT ELIZA</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> In the drinking-well (Which the plumber built her) Aunt Eliza fell,—— We must buy a filter. </div> </div> [Pg 66] <h3>IV ABSENT-MINDEDNESS</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Absent-minded Edward Brown Drove his lady into town; Suddenly the horse fell down! Mrs. Ned (Newly wed) Threw a fit and lay for dead. </div> <div class="stanza"> Edward, lacking in resource, Chafed the fetlocks of his horse, Sitting with unpleasant force (Just like lead) On the head Of the prostrate Mrs. Ned. [Pg 67]</div> <div class="stanza"> She demanded a divorce, Jealous of the favoured horse. Edward had it shot, of course. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> Years have sped; She and Ned Drive a motor now instead. </div> </div> [Pg 68] <h3>V JOHN</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> John, across the broad Atlantic, Tried to navigate a barque, But he met an unromantic And extremely hungry shark. </div> <div class="stanza"> John (I blame his childhood's teachers) Thought to treat this as a lark, Ignorant of how these creatures Do delight to bite a barque. </div> <div class="stanza"> Said, 'This animal's a bore!' and, With a scornful sort of grin, Handled an adjacent oar and Chucked it underneath the chin. [Pg 69]</div> <div class="stanza"> At this unexpected juncture, Which he had not reckoned on, Mr. Shark he made a puncture In the barque—and then in John. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> Sad am I, and sore at thinking John had on some clothes of mine; I can almost see them shrinking, Washed repeatedly in brine. </div> <div class="stanza"> I shall never cease regretting That I lent my hat to him, For I fear a thorough wetting Cannot well improve the brim. </div> <div class="stanza"> Oh! to know a shark is browsing, Boldly, blandly, on my boots! Coldly, cruelly carousing On the choicest of my suits! [Pg 70]</div> <div class="stanza"> Creatures I regard with loathing, Who can calmly take their fill Of one's Jaeger underclothing:— Down, my aching heart, be still! </div> </div> [Pg 71] <h3>VI BABY</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Baby roused its father's ire, By a cold and formal lisp; So he placed it on the fire, And reduced it to a crisp. Mother said, 'Oh, stop a bit! This is overdoing it!' </div> </div> [Pg 72] <h3>VII THE CAT</h3> (Advice to the Young) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> My children, you should imitate The harmless, necessary cat, Who eats whatever's on his plate, And doesn't even leave the fat; Who never stays in bed too late, Or does immoral things like that; Instead of saying, 'Shan't!' or 'Bosh!' He'll sit and wash, and wash, and wash! [Pg 73]</div> <div class="stanza"> When shadows fall and lights grow dim, He sits beneath the kitchen stair; Regardless as to life and limb, A shady lair he chooses there; And if you tumble over him, He simply loves to hear you swear. And, while bad language you prefer, He'll sit and purr, and purr, and purr! </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 75] <h2>PART III PERVERTED PROVERBS</h2> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 77] <h3>I 'VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Virtue its own reward? Alas! And what a poor one, as a rule! Be Virtuous, and Life will pass Like one long term of Sunday-school. (No prospect, truly, could one find More unalluring to the mind.) </div> <div class="stanza"> The Model Child has got to keep His fingers and his garments white; In church he may not go to sleep, Nor ask to stop up late at night. In fact he must not ever do A single thing he wishes to. [Pg 78]</div> <div class="stanza"> He may not paddle in his boots, Like naughty children, at the sea; The sweetness of Forbidden Fruits Is not, alas! for such as he. He watches, with pathetic eyes, His weaker brethren make mud-pies. </div> <div class="stanza"> He must not answer back, oh no! However rude grown-ups may be; But keep politely silent, tho' He brim with scathing repartee; For nothing is considered worse Than scoring off Mamma or Nurse. </div> <div class="stanza"> He must not eat too much at meals, Nor scatter crumbs upon the floor; However vacuous he feels, He may not pass his plate for more; —Not tho' his ev'ry organ ache For further slabs of Christmas cake. [Pg 79]</div> <div class="stanza"> He is commanded not to waste The fleeting hours of childhood's days, By giving way to any taste For circuses or matinées; For him the entertainments planned Are 'Lectures on the Holy Land.' </div> <div class="stanza"> He never reads a story-book By Rider H. or Winston C., In vain upon his desk you'd look For tales by Arthur Conan D., Nor could you find upon his shelf The works of Rudyard—or myself! </div> <div class="stanza"> He always fears that he may do Some action that is infra dig., And so he lives his short life through In the most noxious rôle of Prig. ('Short Life' I say, for it's agreed The Good die very young indeed.) [Pg 80]</div> <div class="stanza"> Ah me! how sad it is to think He could have lived like me—or you! With practice, and a taste for drink, Our joys he might have known, he too! And shared the pleasure we have had In being gloriously bad! </div> <div class="stanza"> The Naughty Boy gets much delight From doing what he should not do; But, as such conduct isn't Right, He sometimes suffers for it, too. Yet, what's a spanking to the fun Of leaving vital things Undone? </div> <div class="stanza"> The Wicked flourish like the bay, At Cards or Love they always win, Good Fortune dogs their steps all day, They fatten while the Good grow thin. The Righteous Man has much to bear; The Bad becomes a Bullionaire! [Pg 81]</div> <div class="stanza"> For, though he be the greatest sham, Luck favours him, his whole life through; At 'Bridge' he always makes a Slam After declaring 'Sans atout'; With ev'ry deal his fate has planned A hundred Aces in his hand. </div> <div class="stanza"> Yes, it is always just the same; He somehow manages to win, By mere good fortune, any game That he may be competing in. At Golf no bunker breaks his club, For him the green provides no 'rub.' </div> <div class="stanza"> At Billiards, too, he flukes away (With quite unnecessary 'side'); No matter what he tries to play, For him the pockets open wide; He never finds both balls in baulk, Or makes miss-cues for want of chalk. [Pg 82]</div> <div class="stanza"> He swears; he very likely bets; He even wears a flaming necktie; Inhales Egyptian cigarettes, And has a 'Mens Inconscia Recti'; Yet, spite of all, one must confess That nought succeeds like his excess. </div> <div class="stanza"> There's no occasion to be Just, No need for motives that are fine, To be Director of a Trust, Or Manager of a Combine; Your Corner is a public curse, Perhaps, but it will fill your purse. </div> <div class="stanza"> Then stride across the Public's bones, Crush all opponents under you, Until you 'rise on stepping-stones Of their dead selves'; and, when you do, The widow's and the orphan's tears Shall comfort your declining years! [Pg 83]</div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> Myself, how lucky I must be, That need not fear so gross an end; Since Fortune has not favoured me With many million pounds to spend. (Still, did that fickle Dame relent, I'd show you how they should be spent!) </div> <div class="stanza"> I am not saint enough to feel My shoulder ripen to a wing, Nor have I wits enough to steal His title from the Copper King; And there's a vasty gulf between The man I Am and Might Have Been; </div> <div class="stanza"> But tho' at dinner I may take Too much of Heidsick (extra dry), And underneath the table make My simple couch just where I lie, My mode of roosting on the floor Is just a trick and nothing more. [Pg 84]</div> <div class="stanza"> And when, not Wisely but too Well, My thirst I have contrived to quench, The stories I am apt to tell May be, perhaps, a trifle French;— (For 'tis in anecdote, no doubt, That what's Bred in the Beaune comes out.)— </div> <div class="stanza"> It does not render me unfit To give advice, both wise and right, Because I do not follow it Myself as closely as I might; There's nothing that I wouldn't do To point the proper road to you. </div> <div class="stanza"> And this I'm sure of, more or less, And trust that you will all agree— The Elements of Happiness Consist in being—just like Me; No sinner, nor a saint perhaps, But—well, the very best of chaps. [Pg 85]</div> <div class="stanza"> Share the Experience I have had, Consider all I've known and seen, And Don't be Good, and Don't be Bad, But cultivate a Golden Mean. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> What makes Existence really nice Is Virtue—with a dash of Vice. </div> </div> [Pg 86] <h3>II 'ENOUGH IS AS GOOD AS A FEAST'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> What is Enough? An idle dream! One cannot have enough, I swear, Of Ices or Meringues-and-Cream, Nougat or Chocolate Éclairs, Of Oysters or of Caviar, Of Prawns or Pâté de Foie Grar! </div> <div class="stanza"> Who would not willingly forsake Kindred and Home, without a fuss, For Icing from a Birthday Cake, Or juicy fat Asparagus, And journey over countless seas For New Potatoes and Green Peas? [Pg 87]</div> <div class="stanza"> They say that a Contented Mind Is a Continual Feast;—but where The mental frame, and how to find, Which can with Turtle Soup compare? No mind, however full of Ease, Could be Continual Toasted Cheese. </div> <div class="stanza"> For dinner have a sole to eat (Some Perrier Jouet, '92), An Entrée then (and, with the meat, A bottle of Lafitte will do), A quail, a glass of port (just one), Liqueurs and coffee, and you've done. </div> <div class="stanza"> Your tastes may be of simpler type;— A homely pint of 'half-and-half,' An onion and a dish of tripe, Or headpiece of the kindly calf. (Cruel perhaps, but then, you know, ''Faut tout souffrir pour être veau!') [Pg 88]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'Tis a mistake to eat too much Of any dishes but the best; And you, of course, should never touch A thing you know you can't digest; For instance, lobster:—if you do, Well,—I'm amayonnaised at you! </div> <div class="stanza"> Let this be your heraldic crest: A bottle (chargé) of Champagne, A chicken (gorged) with salad (dress'd), Below, this motto to explain— 'Enough is Very Good, may be; Too Much is Good Enough for Me!' </div> </div> [Pg 89] <h3>III 'DON'T BUY A PIG IN A POKE'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Unscrupulous Pigmongers will Attempt to wheedle and to coax The ignorant young housewife till She purchases her pigs in pokes; Beasts that have got a Lurid Past, Or else are far Too Good to Last. </div> <div class="stanza"> So, should you not desire to be The victim of a cruel hoax, Then promise me, ah! promise me, You will not purchase pigs in pokes! ('Twould be an error just as big To poke your purchase in a pig.) [Pg 90]</div> <div class="stanza"> Too well I know the bitter cost, To turn this subject off with jokes; How many fortunes have been lost By men who purchased pigs in pokes. (Ah! think on such when you would talk With mouths that are replete with pork!) </div> <div class="stanza"> And, after dinner, round the fire, Astride of Grandpa's rugged knee, Implore your bored but patient sire To tell you what a Poke may be. The fact he might disclose to you— Which is far more than I can do. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> The Moral of The Pigs and Pokes Is not to make your choice too quick. In purchasing a Book of Jokes, Pray poke around and take your pick. Who knows how rich a mental meal The covers of this book conceal? </div> </div> [Pg 91] <h3>IV 'LEARN TO TAKE THINGS EASILY'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> To these few words, it seems to me, A wealth of sound instruction clings; O Learn to Take things easily— Espeshly Other People's Things; And Time will make your fingers deft At what is known as Petty Theft. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Fools and Their Money soon must part!' And you can help this on, may be, If, in the kindness of your Heart, You Learn to Take things easily; And be, with little education, A Prince of Misappropriation. </div> </div> [Pg 92] <h3>V 'A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> I never understood, I own, What anybody (with a soul) Could mean by offering a Stone This needless warning not to Roll; And what inducement there can be To gather Moss, I fail to see. </div> <div class="stanza"> I'd sooner gather anything, Like primroses, or news perhaps, Or even wool (when suffering A momentary mental lapse); But could forgo my share of moss, Nor ever realise the loss. [Pg 93]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'Tis a botanical disease, And worthy of remark as such; Lending a dignity to trees, To ruins a romantic touch; A timely adjunct, I've no doubt, But not worth writing home about. </div> <div class="stanza"> Of all the Stones I ever met, In calm repose upon the ground, I really never found one yet With a desire to roll around; Theirs is a stationary rôle. (A joke,—and feeble on the whole.) </div> <div class="stanza"> But, if I were a stone, I swear I'd sooner move and view the World, Than sit and grow the greenest hair That ever Nature combed and curled. I see no single saving grace In being known as 'Mossyface'! [Pg 94]</div> <div class="stanza"> Instead, I might prove useful for A weapon in the hand of Crime, A paperweight, a milestone, or A missile at Election-time; In each capacity I could Do quite incalculable good. </div> <div class="stanza"> When well directed from the Pit, I might promote a welcome death, If fortunate enough to hit Some budding Hamlet or Macbeth, Who twice each day the playhouse fills,— (For Further Notice see Small Bills). </div> <div class="stanza"> At concerts, too, if you prefer, I could prevent your growing deaf By silencing the amateur Before she reached that upper F; Or else, in lieu of half-a-brick, Restrain some local Kubelik. [Pg 95]</div> <div class="stanza"> Then, human stones, take my advice, (As you should always do, indeed); This proverb may be very nice, But don't you pay it any heed, And, tho' you make the critics cross, Roll on, and never mind the moss! </div> </div> [Pg 96] <h3>VI 'IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Since it can never be too late To change your life, or else renew it, Let the unpleasant process wait, Until you are compelled to do it. The State provides (and gratis too) Establishments for such as you. </div> <div class="stanza"> Remember this, and pluck up heart, That, be you publican or parson, Your ev'ry art must have a start, From petty larceny to arson; And even in the burglar's trade, The cracksman is not born, but made. [Pg 97]</div> <div class="stanza"> So, if in your career of crime, You fail to carry out some 'coup,' Then try again a second time, And yet again, until you do; And don't despair, or fear the worst, Because you get found out at first. </div> <div class="stanza"> Perhaps the battle will not go, On all occasions, to the strongest; You may be fairly certain tho' That He Laughs Last who Laughs the Longest. So keep a good reserve of laughter, Which may be found of use hereafter. </div> <div class="stanza"> Believe me that, howe'er well meant, A good resolve is always brief; Don't let your precious hours be spent In turning over a new leaf. Such leaves, like Nature's, soon decay, And then are only in the way. [Pg 98]</div> <div class="stanza"> The Road to—well, a certain spot (A road of very fair dimensions), Has, so the proverb tells us, got A parquet-floor of Good Intentions. Take care, in your desire to please, You do not add a brick to these. </div> <div class="stanza"> For there may come a moment when You shall be mended, willy-nilly, With many more misguided men, Whose skill is undermined with skilly. Till then procrastinate, my friend; 'It Never is Too Late to Mend!' </div> </div> [Pg 99] <h3>VII 'A BAD WORKMAN COMPLAINS OF HIS TOOLS'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> This pen of mine is simply grand, I never loved a pen so much; This paper (underneath my hand) Is really a delight to touch; And never in my life, I think, Did I make use of finer ink. </div> <div class="stanza"> The subject upon which I write Is ev'rything that I could choose; I seldom knew my wits more bright, More cosmopolitan my views; Nor ever did my head contain So surplus a supply of brain! </div> </div> [Pg 100] <h3>VIII 'DON'T LOOK A GIFT-HORSE IN THE MOUTH'</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> I knew a man who lived down South; He thought this maxim to defy; He looked a Gift-horse in the Mouth; The Gift-horse bit him in the Eye! And, while the steed enjoyed his bite, My Southern friend mislaid his sight. </div> <div class="stanza"> Now, had this foolish man, that day, Observed the Gift-horse in the Heel, It might have kicked his brains away, But that's a loss he would not feel; Because, you see (need I explain?), My Southern friend has got no brain. [Pg 101]</div> <div class="stanza"> When any one to you presents A poodle, or a pocket-knife, A set of Ping-pong instruments, A banjo or a lady-wife, 'Tis churlish, as I understand, To grumble that they're second-hand. </div> <div class="stanza"> And he who termed Ingratitude As 'worser nor a servant's tooth' Was evidently well imbued With all the elements of Truth; (While he who said 'Uneasy lies The tooth that wears a crown' was wise). </div> <div class="stanza"> 'One must be poor,' George Eliot said, 'To know the luxury of giving'; So too one really should be dead To realise the joy of living. (I'd sooner be—I don't know which— I'd like to be alive and rich!) [Pg 102]</div> <div class="stanza"> This book may be a Gift-horse too, And one you surely ought to prize; If so, I beg you, read it through, With kindly and uncaptious eyes, Not grumbling because this particular line doesn't happen to scan, And this one doesn't rhyme! </div> </div> [Pg 103] <h3>IX POTPOURRI</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> There are many more Maxims to which I would like to accord a front place, But alas! I have got To omit a whole lot, For the lack of available space; And the rest I am forced to boil down and condense To the following Essence of Sound without Sense: </div> <div class="stanza"> Now the Pitcher that journeys too oft To the Well will get broken at last. But you'll find it a fact That, by using some tact, Such a danger as this can be past. [Pg 104] (There's an obvious way, and a simple, you'll own, Which is, if you're a Pitcher, to Let Well alone.) </div> <div class="stanza"> Half a loafer is never well-bred, And Self-Praise is a Dangerous Thing. And the mice are at play When the Cat is away, For a moment, inspecting a King. (Tho' if Care kills a Cat, as the Proverbs declare, It is right to suppose that the King will take care.) </div> <div class="stanza"> Don't Halloo till you're out of the Wood, When a Stitch in Good Time will save Nine, While a Bird in the Hand Is worth Two, understand, In the Bush that Needs no Good Wine. (Tho' the two, if they Can sing but Won't, have been known, By an accurate aim to be killed with one Stone.) [Pg 105]</div> <div class="stanza"> Never Harness the Cart to the Horse; Since the latter should be à la carte. Also, Birds of a Feather Come Flocking Together, —Because they can't well Flock Apart. (You may cast any Bread on the Waters, I think, But, unless I'm mistaken, you can't make it Sink.) </div> <div class="stanza"> It is only the Fool who remarks That there Can't be a Fire without Smoke; Has he never yet learned How the gas can be turned On the best incombustible coke? (Would you value a man by the checks on his suits, And forget 'que c'est le premier passbook qui Coutts?') </div> <div class="stanza"> Now 'De Mortuis Nil Nisi Bonum,' Is Latin, as ev'ry one owns; If your domicile be Near a Mortuaree, [Pg 106] You should always avoid throwing bones. (I would further remark, if I could,—but I couldn't— That People Residing in Glasshouses shouldn't.) </div> <div class="stanza"> You have heard of the Punctual Bird, Who was First in presenting his Bill; But I pray you'll be firm, And remember the Worm Had to get up much earlier still; (So that, if you can't rise in the morning, then Don't; And be certain that Where there's a Will there's a Won't.) </div> <div class="stanza"> You can give a bad name to a Dog, And hang him by way of excuse; Whereas Hunger, of course; Is by far the Best Sauce For the Gander as well as the Goose. [Pg 107] (But you shouldn't judge any one just by his looks, For a Surfeit of Broth ruins too many Cooks.) </div> <div class="stanza"> With the fact that Necessity knows Nine Points of the Law, you'll agree. There are just as Good Fish To be found on a Dish As you ever could catch in the Sea. (You should Look ere you Leap on a Weasel Asleep, And I've also remarked that Still Daughters Run Cheap.) </div> <div class="stanza"> The much trodden-on Lane will Turn, And a Friend is in Need of a Friend; But the Wisest of Saws, Like the Camel's Last Straws, Or the Longest of Worms, have an end. So, before out of Patience a Virtue you make, A decisive farewell of these maxims we'll take. </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 109] <h2>PART IV OTHER VERSES</h2> <hr style="width: 65%;" />[Pg 111] <h3>BILL</h3> (Told by the Hospital Orderly) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> At Modder, where I met 'im fust, I thought as 'ow ole Bill was dead; A splinter, from a shell wot bust, 'Ad fetched 'im somewheres in the 'ead; But there! It takes a deal to kill Them thick-thatched sort o' blokes like Bill. </div> <div class="stanza"> In the field-'orspital, nex' day, The doctors was a-makin' out The 'casualty returns,' an' they Comes up an' pulls ole Bill about; Ole Colonel Wilks, 'e turns to me, 'Report this "dangerous,"' sez 'e. [Pg 112]</div> <div class="stanza"> But Bill, 'oo must 'ave 'eard it too, 'E calls the doctor, quick as thought: 'I'd take it kindly, sir, if you 'Could keep me out o' the report. 'For tho' I'm 'it, an' 'it severe, 'I doesn't want my friends to 'ear. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'I've a ole mother, 'way in Kent, ''Oo thinks the very world o' me; 'I'd thank you if I wasn't sent 'As "wounded dangerous,"' sez 'e; 'For if she 'ears I'm badly hit, 'I lay she won't get over it. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'At Landman's Drift she lost a lad '(With the 18th 'Ussars 'e fell), 'Poor soul, she'd take it mighty bad 'To think o' losin' me as well; 'So please, sir, if it's hall the same, 'I'd ask you not to send my name.' [Pg 113]</div> <div class="stanza"> The Colonel bloke 'e thinks a bit, 'Oh, well,' sez 'e, 'per'aps you're right. 'And, now I come to look at it, 'I'll send you in as "scalp-wound, slight." 'O' course it's wrong of me, but still—' 'Gawd bless you, sir, an' thanks!' sez Bill. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . . </div> <div class="stanza"> 'E didn't die; 'e scrambled through. They hoperated on 'is 'ead, An' Gawd knows wot they didn't do,— 'Tripoded' 'im, I think they said. I see'd 'im, Toosday, in Pall Mall, Nor never knowed 'im look so well. </div> <div class="stanza"> Yes, Bill 'e's going strong just now, In London, an' employed again; Tho' it's a fact, 'e sez, as 'ow The doctors took out 'alf 'is brain! Ho well, 'e won't 'ave need o' this— 'E's working at the War Office. </div> </div> [Pg 114] <h3>THE LEGEND OF THE AUTHOR</h3> (A long way after Ingoldsby) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> When Anthony Adamson first went to school The reception he got was decidedly cool; And, because he was utterly hopeless at games, He was given all sorts of opprobrious names, Which ranged the whole gamut from 'fat-head' to 'fool'; For boys as a rule, Are what nurses call 'crool,' 'Tis their natural instinct, which nobody blames, Any more than the habits Peculiar to rabbits, To label a duffer 'old woman' or 'muff,' or Some name calculated to cause him to suffer. [Pg 115] They failed in their treatment this time, on the whole, Since our Anthony thoroughly pitied the rôle Of the oaf who is muddied, (For Kipling he'd studied), However strong-hearted, broad-limbed, and warm-blooded, Who sits in a goal, Quite deficient of soul, And as blind to the beauties of Life as a mole. He was rather a curious boy, was this youth, And a bit of a prig, if you must know the truth, And his comrades considered him weird and uncouth, For he didn't much mind When they left him behind, And, intent upon cricket, Went off to the wicket; Some other less heating employment he'd find, And, while his young playfellows fielded and batted, This curious fat-head, Ink-fingered, hair-matted, [Pg 116] Would take a new pen from his pocket, and lick it, Then into the ink-bottle thoughtfully stick it, And, chewing the holder ('Twas fashioned of gold, Or at least so 'twas sold By a stationer bold, And at any rate furnished a good imitation), In deep rumination, With much mastication, And wonderful patience, Await inspirations; And brilliant ideas would arrive on occasions; When frequently followed, The pen being swallowed, As up to his eyes in the inkpot he wallowed. </div> <div class="stanza"> So all the day long and for half of the night Would young Anthony Adamson nibble and write, With extravagant feelings of joy and delight, And it may sound absurd, But 'twas thus, as I've heard, That he learnt to acquire the appropriate word; And altho' composition, Which was his ambition, [Pg 117] At first proved a trifle untamed and refractory; Arrived in a while At evolving a style Which a Stevenson even might deem satisfactory. </div> <div class="stanza"> Now when Anthony A. was as yet in his 'teens He began to take aim at the big magazines, With articles, verses, and little love-scenes; And short stories he wrote, Which he sent with a note (Which I haven't the space nor the leisure to quote), Containing a humble request, and a hope, And some stamps and a clearly addressed envelope. </div> <div class="stanza"> Now a few of these got to the Editor's desk, And he found them well-written and quite picturesque, And he sighed to see talent like this go to waste On what couldn't appeal to the popular taste. [Pg 118] For the Public, you see (With a capital P), Doesn't care what it reads, just so long as it be Something really exciting, however bad writing, With wonderful heroes, And villains like Neroes, Who, running as serials, Wearing imperials, Revel in bloodshed and bombast and fighting. </div> <div class="stanza"> So back to the Author his manuscript went; Altho' sometimes a friendly old Editor sent An encouraging letter, To say he'd do better To lower his style to the popular level; When Anthony proudly (Of course not out loudly, But mentally) told him to go to the devil! </div> <div class="stanza"> But a few of his articles never came back, And their whereabouts no one was able to track, For some persons who edited, (Can it be credited?) Finding it paid them, Unduly mislaid them (Behaviour most rare Nowadays anywhere, And to ev'ry tradition entirely opposed), And grew fat on the numerous stamps he enclosed. [Pg 119] Tho' to this I am really unable to swear, Or at any rate haven't the courage to dare. </div> <div class="stanza"> Now when Anthony Adamson grew rather older, And wiser, and bolder, And broader of shoulder, He thought he'd a fancy to write for the Press,— 'Tis a common idea with the young, more or less;— And he saw himself doing Critiques and reviewing The latest new books as they came from the printers; To set them on thrones or to smash them to splinters, To damn with faint praise, Or with eulogies raise, As he banned or he blest, Just whatever seemed best To the wit and the wisdom of twenty-three winters. But when he had carefully read thro' the papers, Arranged to the taste of our nation of drapers, [Pg 120] And wisely as Solomon Studied each column, an Awful attack of despair and depression Assailed him, and then, As he threw down his pen, He was forced to confess To no hope of success, If he entered the great journalistic profession. </div> <div class="stanza"> For the only description of 'copy' that pays, In the journals that ev'ry one reads nowadays, Is the personal matter, Impertinent chatter, The tales of the tailor, the barber, the hatter; Society small talk, And mere servants'-hall talk, The sort of what's-nobody's-business-at-all-talk; And those who can handle The latest big scandal With the taste of a Thug and the tact of a Vandal, Whatever society paper they write in, Can always provide what their readers delight in. An article, vulgarly written, which deals With the food that celebrities eat at their meals To the popular intellect always appeals. [Pg 121] People laugh themselves hoarse At the latest divorce, While a peer's breach of promise is comic, of course; How eager each face is, As ev'ry one races To read the details of the Cruelty cases! And a magistrate's pun Is considered good fun, And arouses the bench of reporters from torpor, When it's at the expense of some broken-down pauper! </div> <div class="stanza"> So Anthony pondered the different ways Of attaining and gaining the popular praise; And selected a score of his brightest essays, Just enough for a book, Which he hopefully took To some publishers, thinking perhaps they would look At what might (as he couldn't help modestly hinting) Repay the expense and the trouble of printing. [Pg 122] Now the publishers all were extremely polite, And encouraging quite, For they saw he could write; But the answer they gave him was always the same. 'You are not,' so they said, 'in the least bit to blame, And your style is so good, Be it well understood, We'd be happy to publish your work if we could; But alas! All the people who know are agreed This is not what the Public demands, or would read. 'It is over the head Of the people,' they said. 'If you'd only write down to the popular level!' (Once more, he replied, they could go to the devil!) The result to our author was not unexpected, And, as on his failures he sadly reflected, He took out his pen and a nib he selected, Then wrote (and his verses Were studded with curses) This poem, the Lay of the Author (Rejected). [Pg 123]</div> <div class="stanza"> The rejected Author's cup Comes from out a bitter bin, Constable won't 'take him up,' Chambers will not 'take him in.' </div> <div class="stanza"> Publishers, when interviewed, Each alas! in turn looks Black; De la Rue is De-la-rude, Nutt is far too hard to crack. </div> <div class="stanza"> Author, humble as a vassal (He is feeling Low as well), Sadly waits without the Cassell, Vainly tries to press the Bell. </div> <div class="stanza"> Author, hourly growing leaner, Finds each day his jokes more rare, Asks the Longman if he's Green, or Spottiswoode to take the Eyre. [Pg 124]</div> <div class="stanza"> Author, blithe as lark each morning, Finds each night his tale unheard, And, when Fred'rick gives him Warn(e)ing, Is not Gay as any Bird. </div> <div class="stanza"> Author, to his writings partial, Musters their array en bloc, Which the Simpkins will not Marshall, And the Elliot will not Stock. </div> <div class="stanza"> Tho' for little he be yearning, Yet that little Long he'll want, When the Lane has got no turning, And the Richards will not Grant. </div> <div class="stanza"> Now when Anthony's life it grew harder and harder; Less coal in the cellar, less meat in the larder; He thought for a while, And at last (with a smile) He determined to sacrifice even his style. [Pg 125] So he wrote just whatever came into his head, Without any regard for the living or dead, Or for what his friends thought or his enemies said. From his style he effaced, As incentives to waste, All the canons of grammar and even good taste; And so book after book after book he brought out, Which you've probably read, and you know all about; For the publishers bought them, And ev'ry one thought them So splendidly vulgar, that no one had ever Read anything quite so improperly clever. </div> <div class="stanza"> He tried ev'ry style, from the fashion of Ouida's (His characters being Society Leaders; The Heroine, suited to middle-class readers,— A governess she, who might well have been humbler; The Hero a Duke, an inveterate grumbler; [Pg 126] And a Guardsman who drank crême-de-menthe from a tumbler) To that of another more popular lady, And wrote about aristocrats who were shady, And showed that the persons you happen to meet In the Very Best Houses are always effete; That they gamble all night, in particular sets, And (Oh, hasn't she said it, Tho' can it be credit- Ed?) have no intention of paying their debts! </div> <div class="stanza"> His best, which the Critics said 'teemed with expression,' Was the one-volume novel 'A Drunkard's Confession'; The next, 'My Good Woman. A Love Tale'; another, Most popular this, 'The Flirtations of Mother'; And lastly, the crowning success of his life, 'How the Other Half Lives. By a Baronet's Wife.' [Pg 127] And the Publishers now are all down on their knees, As they offer what fees He may happen to please; And success he discerns As with rapture he learns The amount that he earns From his roy'lty returns. (N.B.—I omit the last 'a' here in Royalty, For reasons of scansion and not from disloyalty.) </div> <div class="stanza"> The moral of this is quite easy to see; If a popular author you're anxious to be, You won't care a digamma For truth or for grammar, Be far from straitlaced Upon questions of taste, And don't trouble to polish your style or to bevel, But always write down to the popular level; Be vulgar and smart, And you'll get to the heart Of the persons directing the lit'rary mart, And your writings must reach (It's a figure of speech) The—(well, what shall we call it—compositor's) devil! </div> </div> [Pg 128] <h3>THE MOTRIOT</h3> (After Robert Browning) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> 'It was chickens, chickens, all the way, With children crossing the road like mad; Police disguised in the hedgerows lay, Stop-watches and large white flags they had, At nine o'clock o' this very day. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'I broke the record to Tunbridge Wells, And I shouted aloud, to all concerned, "Give room, good folk, do you hear my bells?" But my motor skidded and overturned; Then exploded—and afterwards, what smells! [Pg 129]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'Alack! it was I rode over the son Of a butcher; rolled him all of a heap! Nought man could do did I leave undone; And I thought that butcher's boys were cheap,— But this, poor man, 'twas his only one. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'There's nobody in my motor now,— Just a tangled car in the ditch upset; For the fun of the fair is, all allow, At the County Court, or, better yet, By the very foot of the dock, I trow. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Thus I entered, and thus I go; In Court the magistrate sternly said, "Five guineas fine, and the costs you owe!" I might not question, so promptly paid. Henceforth I walk; I am safer so.' </div> </div> [Pg 130] <h3>THE BALLAD OF THE ARTIST</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Archibald Ames is an artist, And a widely renowned R.A., For albeit his pictures are thoroughly bad, The greatest success he has always had, And he makes his profession pay. </div> <div class="stanza"> He has no idea of proportion, No notion of colour or line, But perhaps for such there is little need, Since everybody is fully agreed That his subjects are quite divine. [Pg 131]</div> <div class="stanza"> His pictures are sweetly simple; The ingredients all must know,— Just a fair-haired child and a dog or two, A very old man, and a baby's shoe, And some bunches of mistletoe. </div> <div class="stanza"> In some, an angelic infant Is helping a kitten to play, Or dressing a cat in Grandpapa's hat (Which is equally hard on the hat and the cat), Or teaching a 'dolly' to pray. </div> <div class="stanza"> Or else there's a runaway couple, With a distant view of papa, An elderly party with rich man's gout, Who swears himself rapidly inside out, In a broken-down motor-car. </div> <div class="stanza"> Or it may be a scene in the Workhouse, Where a widow of high degree, [Pg 132] With almost suspiciously puce-coloured hair, Has arrived in a gorgeous carriage-and-pair, To distribute a pound of tea. </div> <div class="stanza"> Sometimes he portrays a battle, With a 'square' like a Rugby scrum, Where a bugler, the colours grasped in his hand, And making a final determined stand, Plays 'God Save the King' on a drum. </div> <div class="stanza"> This is the kind of subject That he gives to us day by day; You may jeer at the absence of all technique, But these are the pictures the people seek From this justly renowned R.A. </div> <div class="stanza"> In distant suburban boudoirs You will find them, in gilded frames, 'The Prodigal Calf' (a homely scene) 'Grandmamma's Boots,' or 'To Gretna Green,' The Works of Archibald Ames. [Pg 133]</div> <div class="stanza"> And, if they appeal to the public, In the usual course of events, Some enterprising manager comes, And buys them up for enormous sums, And they serve as advertisements. </div> <div class="stanza"> Where the child is painting the kitten With Potter's Indelible Dye, While Grandpapa shows to the reckless cat McBride's Indestructible Gibus Hat, (Which Ev'ry one ought to buy). </div> <div class="stanza"> And the Gretna Green arrangement An interest new acquires, By depicting how great the advantages are Of the Patented Spoofenhauss Auto-car, With unpuncturable tyres. </div> <div class="stanza"> And the widow (Try Kay's for mourning), As black as Stevenson's Ink, [Pg 134] Is curing the paupers of sundry ills By the gift of a box of the Palest Pills For persons who may be Pink. </div> <div class="stanza"> And the bugler-boy in the battle, With trousers of Blackett's Blue, Unshrinking as Simpson's Serge, and free As Winkleson's Patent Ear-drum he, And steadfast as Holdhard's Glue. </div> <div class="stanza"> This is the modern fashion In the popular art of the day, And this is the reason that Archibald Ames Ranks high among other familiar names As a very well-known R.A. </div> </div> [Pg 135] <h3>THE BALLAD OF PING-PONG</h3> (After Swinburne) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The murmurous moments of May-time, What bountiful blessings they bring! As dew to the dawn of the day-time, Suspicions of Summer to Spring! </div> <div class="stanza"> Let others imagine the time light, With maidens or books on their knee, Or live in the languorous limelight That tinges the trunk of the Tree. [Pg 136]</div> <div class="stanza"> Let the timorous turn to their tennis, Or the bowls to which bumpkins belong, But the thing for grown women and men is The pastime of ping and of pong. </div> <div class="stanza"> The game of the glorious glamour! The feeling to fight till you fall! The hurricane hail and the hammer! The batter and bruise of the ball! </div> <div class="stanza"> The glory of getting behind it! The brief but bewildering bliss! The fear of the failure to find it! The madness at making a miss! </div> <div class="stanza"> The sound of the sphere as you smack it, Derisive, decisive, divine! The riotous rush of your racket, To mix and to mingle with mine! [Pg 137]</div> <div class="stanza"> The diadem dear to the King is, How sweet to the singer his song; To me so the plea of the ping is, And the passionate plaint of the pong. </div> <div class="stanza"> I live for it, love for it, like it; Delight of my dearest of dreams! To stand and to strive and to strike it,— So certain, so simple it seems! </div> <div class="stanza"> Then give me the game of the gay time, The ball on its wandering wing, The pastime for night or for day-time, The Pong, not to mention the Ping! </div> </div> [Pg 138] <h3>THE PESSIMIST</h3> (After Maeterlinck) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Life's bed is full of crumbs and rice, No roses float on my lagoon; There are no fingers, white and nice, To rub my head with scented ice, Or feed me with a spoon. </div> <div class="stanza"> I think of all the days gone by, Replete with black and blue regret; No comets light my glaucous sky, My tears are hardly ever dry, I never can forget! [Pg 139]</div> <div class="stanza"> I see the yellow dog, Desire, That strains against the lead of Hope, With lilac eyes and lips of fire, As all in vain he strives to tire The hand that holds the rope. </div> <div class="stanza"> I see the kisses of the past, Like lambkins dying in the snow, The honeymoon that did not last, The tinted youth that flew so fast, And all this vale of woe. </div> <div class="stanza"> So, raising high my raucous cry, I ask (and Fates no answer give), Why am I pre-ordained to die? O cruel Fortune, tell me, why Am I allowed to live? </div> </div> [Pg 140] <h3>THE PLACE WHERE THE OLD CLEEK BROKE</h3> (After Whyte-Melville) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Life is hollow to the golfer, of however high his rank, If the dock-leaf and the nettle grow too free, If a bramble bar his progress, if he's bunkered by a bank, If his golf-ball jerks and wobbles off the tee. There's a ditch I never pass, full of stones and broken glass, And I'd sooner lift my ball and count a stroke, For the tears my vision blot when I see the fatal spot, 'Tis the place where my old cleek broke. [Pg 141]</div> <div class="stanza"> There's his haft upon the table, there's his head upon a chair; And a better never felt the summer rain; I may curse and I may swear, my umbrella-stand is bare, I shall never use my gallant cleek again! With what unaccustomed speed would he strike the Golf-ball teed! How it sounded on his metal at each stroke! Not a flyer in the game such parabolas could claim, At the place where the old cleek broke! </div> <div class="stanza"> Was he cracked? I hardly think it. Did he slip? I do not know. He had struck the ball for forty yards or more; He was driving smooth and even, just as hard as he could go, I had never seen him striking so before. [Pg 142] But I hardly can complain, for there must have been a strain I had forced beyond the compass of a joke— And no club, however strong, could have lasted over long At the place where the old cleek broke! </div> <div class="stanza"> There are men, both staid and sound, who hold it happiness unique, At which only the irreverent can scoff, That is reached by means of brassey, driver, niblick, spoon, or cleek, And that life is not worth living without Golf. Well, I hope it may be so; for myself I only know That I never more shall try another stroke; Yes, I've wearied of the sport, since a lesson I was taught, At the place where the old cleek broke. </div> </div> [Pg 143] <h3>THE HOMES OF LONDON</h3> (After Mrs. Hemans) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The happy homes of London, How beautiful they stand! The crowded human rookeries That mar this Christian land. Where cats in hordes upon the roof For nightly music meet, And the horse, with non-adhesive hoof, Skates slowly down the street. </div> <div class="stanza"> The merry homes of London! Around bare hearths at night, With hungry looks and sickly mien, The children wail and fight. [Pg 144] There woman's voice is only heard In shrill, abusive key, And men can hardly speak a word That is not blasphemy. </div> <div class="stanza"> The healthy homes of London! With weekly wifely wage, The hopeless husbands, out of work, Their daily thirst assuage. The overcrowded tenement Is comfortless and bare, The atmosphere is redolent Of hunger and despair. </div> <div class="stanza"> The blessed homes of London! By thousands, on her stones, The helpless, homeless, destitute, Do nightly rest their bones. [Pg 145] On pavements Piccadilly way, In slumber like the dead, Their wan pathetic forms they lay, And make their humble bed. </div> <div class="stanza"> The free, fair homes of London! From all the thinking throng, Who mourn a nation's apathy, The cry goes up, 'How long!' And those who love old England's name, Her welfare and renown, Can only contemplate with shame The homes of London town. </div> </div> [Pg 146] <h3>THE HAPPIEST LAND</h3> (After Longfellow) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> There sat one day in a tavern, Somewhere near Lincoln's Inn, Six sleepy-looking working men, Imbibing 'twos' of gin. </div> <div class="stanza"> The Potman filled their tankards With the liquor each preferred, Torpid and somnolent they sat, And spake not one rude word. </div> <div class="stanza"> But when the potman vanished, A brawny Scot stood forth; 'Change here,' quoth he, 'for Aberdeen, Strathpeffer and the North! [Pg 147]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'No country in the world, I ken, With Scotia can compare, With all the dour and canny men, And the bonnie lasses there. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'I hae a wee bit hoosie, An' a burn runs greetin' by, An' unco crockit Minister An' a bairn to milk the ki'; </div> <div class="stanza"> 'I hae a muckle haggis, A bap an' a skian-dhu, A cairngorm and a bannock, An' a sonsy kailyard too!' </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Bejabers!' said an Irishman, 'Acushla and Ochone! There's but one country on the Earth, Ould Oireland stands alone! [Pg 148]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'Give me the Emerald Isle, avick! With murphies for to ate, An' as many pigs and childer As the fingers on me fate.' </div> <div class="stanza"> Exclaimed a Frenchman, 'Par Exemple! Donnez-moi ma Patrie! Vin ordinaire and savoir faire Are good enough for me! </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Have you the penknife of my Aunt? Mais non, hélas! but then, The female gardener has got Some paper and a pen!' </div> <div class="stanza"> Then spoke a Greek, 'The Isles of Greece! What can compare with those? Thalassa! and Eurêka! Rhododaktylos êôs!' [Pg 149]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'On London streets I'm working, With a vat of asphalt stew, Putting off the old macadam, And a-laying down the new; </div> <div class="stanza"> 'But the country of my childhood Is the best that man may know, Oh didêmi also phêmi, Zôê mou sas agapô!' </div> <div class="stanza"> Straight rose a German and remarked 'Vot of die Vaterland? Ach Himmel! Unberüfen! And the luffly German band? </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Gif me some Gotterdammerung, And nuddings more I need, But ewigkeit and sauerkraut And niebelungenlied!' [Pg 150]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'Nonsense!' exclaimed an Englishman. ('I surely ought to know!) Old England is the only place Where any man should go! </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Show me the something furriner Who such a fact denies, And, if I can't convince 'im, I can black 'is bloomin' eyes!' </div> <div class="stanza"> Then entered in the potman, And pointed to the door; 'Outside,' said he, 'is where you'll go, If I have any more!' </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> It was six friendly working men, Brimming with 'twos' of gin, Who crept from out the tavern, As the Dawn came creeping in. </div> </div> [Pg 151] <h3>A LONDON INVOLUNTARY</h3> (After W. E. Henley) Spizzicato non poco skirtsando <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Old Palace Yard! Hark how their breath draws lank and hard, The sallow stern police! Breaking the desultory midnight peace With plangent call, to cry 'Division'! This their first especial charge. And now, low, luminous, and large, The slumbrous Member hurries by. Let us take cab, Dear Heart, take cab and go From out the lith of this loud world (I know [Pg 152] The meaning of the word). Come, let us hie To where the lamp-posts ouch the troubled sky,— (And if there is one thing for which I vouch It is my knowledge of the verb to ouch.) So, as we steal Homeward together, we shall feel The buxom breeze,— (Observe the epithet; an apt one, if you please.) Down through the sober paven street, Which, purged and sweet, Gleams in the ambient deluge of the water-cart, Bemused and blurred and pinkly lustrous, where The blandest lion in Trafalgar Square Seems but a part Of the great continent of light,— An attribute of the embittered night,— How new, how naked and how clean! Couchant, slow, shimmering, superb! Constant to one environment, nor even seen Pottering aimlessly along the kerb. [Pg 153] Lo! On the pavement, one of those Grim men who go down to the sea in ships, Blaspheming, reeling in a foul ellipse, Home to some tangled alley-bedside goes,— Oozing and flushed, sharing his elemental mirth With all the jocund undissembling earth; Drooping his shameless nose, Nor hitching up his drifting, shifting clothes. And here is Piccadilly! Loudly dense, Intractable, voluminous, immense! (Dear, dear my heart's desire, can I be talking sense?) </div> </div> [Pg 154] <h3>BLUEBEARD</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Yes, I am Bluebeard, and my name Is one that children cannot stand; Yet once I used to be so tame I'd eat out of a person's hand; So gentle was I wont to be, A Curate might have played with me. </div> <div class="stanza"> People accord me little praise, Yet I am not the least alarming; I can recall, in bygone days, A maid once said she thought me charming. She was my friend,—no more I vow,— And—she's in an asylum now. [Pg 155]</div> <div class="stanza"> Girls used to clamour for my hand, Girls I refused in simple dozens; I said I'd be their brother, and They promised they would be my cousins. (One I accepted,—more or less,— But I've forgotten her address.) </div> <div class="stanza"> They worried me like anything By their proposals ev'ry day; Until at last I had to ring The bell, and have them cleared away; They longed to share my lofty rank, Also my balance at the bank. </div> <div class="stanza"> My hospitality to those Whom I invite to come and stay Is famed; my wine like water flows,— Exactly like, some people say; But this is mere impertinence To one who never spares expense. [Pg 156]</div> <div class="stanza"> When through the streets I walk about, My subjects stand and kiss their hands, Raise a refined metallic shout, Wave flags and warble tunes on bands; While bunting hangs on ev'ry front,— With my commands to let it bunt! </div> <div class="stanza"> When I come home again, of course, Retainers are employed to cheer, My paid domestics get quite hoarse Acclaiming me, and you can hear The welkin ringing to the sky,— Ay, ay, and let it welk, say I! </div> <div class="stanza"> And yet, in spite of this, there are Some persons who, at diff'rent times, —(Because I am so popular)— Accuse me of most awful crimes; A girl once said I was a flirt! Oh my! how the expression hurt! [Pg 157]</div> <div class="stanza"> I never flirted in the least, Never for very long, I mean,— Ask any lady (now deceased) Who partner of my life has been;— Oh well, of course, sometimes, perhaps, I meet a girl, like other chaps,— </div> <div class="stanza"> And, if I like her very much, And if she cares for me a bit, Where is the harm of look or touch, If neither of us mentions it? It isn't right, I don't suppose, But no one's hurt if no one knows! </div> <div class="stanza"> One should not break oneself too fast Of little habits of this sort, Which may be definitely classed With gambling, or a taste for port; They should be slowly dropped, until The Heart is subject to the Will. [Pg 158]</div> <div class="stanza"> I knew a man (in Regent Street) Who, at a very slight expense, By persevering, was complete- Ly cured of Total Abstinence An altered life he has begun And takes a glass with any one. </div> <div class="stanza"> I knew another man, whose wife Was an invet'rate suicide; She daily strove to take her life, And (naturally) nearly died; But some such system she essayed, And now—she's eighty in the shade. </div> <div class="stanza"> Ah, the new leaves I try to turn! But, like so many men in town, I seem (as with regret I learn) Merely to turn the corner down; A habit which, I fear, alack! Makes it more easy to turn back. [Pg 159]</div> <div class="stanza"> I have been criticised a lot; I venture to inquire what for? Because, forsooth, I have not got The instincts of a bachelor! Just hear my story, you will find How grossly I have been maligned. </div> <div class="stanza"> I was unlucky with my wives, So are the most of married men; Undoubtedly they lost their lives,— Of course, but even so, what then? I loved them like no other man, And I can love, you bet I can! </div> <div class="stanza"> My first was little Emmeline, More beautiful than day was she; Her proud, aristocratic mien Was what at once attracted me. I naturally did not know That I should soon dislike her so. [Pg 160]</div> <div class="stanza"> But there it was! And you'll infer I had not very long to wait Before my red-hot love for her Turned to unutterable hate. So, when this state of things I found, I had her casually drowned. </div> <div class="stanza"> My next was Sarah, sweet but shy, And quite inordinately meek; Yes, even now I wonder why I had her hanged within the week; Perhaps I felt a bit upset, Or else she bored me. I forget. </div> <div class="stanza"> Then came Evangeline, my third, And when I chanced to be away, She, so I subsequently heard, Was wont (I deeply grieve to say) With my small retinue to flirt. I strangled her. I hope it hurt. [Pg 161]</div> <div class="stanza"> Isabel was, I think, my next,— (That is, if I remember right),— And I was really very vexed To find her hair come off at night; To falsehood I could not connive, And so I had her boiled alive. </div> <div class="stanza"> Then came Sophia, I believe, Her coiffure was at least her own; Alas! she fancied to deceive Her friends, by altering its tone. She dyed her locks a flaming red! I suffocated her in bed. </div> <div class="stanza"> Susannah Maud was number six, But she did not survive a day; Poor Sue, she had no parlour tricks, And hardly anything to say. A little strychnine in her tea Finished her off, and I was free. [Pg 162]</div> <div class="stanza"> Yet I did not despair, and soon, In spite of failures, started off Upon my seventh honeymoon, With Jane; but could not stand her cough. 'Twas chronic. Kindness was in vain. I pushed her underneath the train. </div> <div class="stanza"> Well, after her, I married Kate, A most unpleasant woman. Oh! I caught her at the garden gate, Kissing a man I didn't know; And, as that didn't suit me quite, I blew her up with dynamite. </div> <div class="stanza"> Most married men, so sorely tried As this, would have been rather bored. Not I, but chose another bride, And married Ruth. Alas! she snored! I served her just the same as Kate, And so she joined the other eight. [Pg 163]</div> <div class="stanza"> My last was Grace; I am not clear, I think she didn't like me much; She used to scream when I came near, And shuddered at my lightest touch. She seemed to wish to keep aloof, And so I threw her off the roof. </div> <div class="stanza"> This is the point I wish to make;— From all the wives for whom I grieve, Whose lives I had perforce to take, Not one complaint did I receive; And no expense was spared to please My spouses at their obsequies. </div> <div class="stanza"> My habits, I would have you know, Are perfect, as they've always been; You ask if I am good, and go To church, and keep my fingers clean? I do, I mean to say I am, I have the morals of a lamb. [Pg 164]</div> <div class="stanza"> In my domains there is no sin, Virtue is rampant all the time, Since I so thoughtfully brought in A bill which legalises crime; Committing things that are not wrong Must pall before so very long. </div> <div class="stanza"> And if what you imagine vice Is not considered so at all, Crime doesn't seem the least bit nice, There's no temptation then to fall; For half the charm of things we do Is knowing that we oughtn't to. </div> <div class="stanza"> Believe me, then, I am not bad, Though in my youth I had to trek, Because I happened to have had Some difficulties with a cheque. What forgery in some might be Is absent-mindedness in me! [Pg 165]</div> <div class="stanza"> I know that I was much abused, No doubt when I was young and rash, But I should not have been accused Of misappropriating cash. I may have sneaked a silver dish;— Well, you may search me if you wish! </div> <div class="stanza"> So, now you see me, more or less, As I would figure in your thoughts; A trifle given to excess, And prone perhaps to vice of sorts; When tempted, rather apt to fall, But still—a good chap after all! </div> </div> [Pg 166] <h3>'THE WOMAN WITH THE DEAD SOLES'</h3> (After Stephen Phillips) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Attracted to the frozen river's brink, Where on a small impromptu snow-swept rink, The happy skaters darted left and right, Or circled amorously out of sight, Some self-supporting; some, like falling stars, Spread-eagling ankle-weak parabolas; I watched the human swarm, and I was 'ware A woman, disarranged, knelt on a chair. She had cold feet on which she could not run, And piteously she thawed them in the sun. [Pg 167] Those feet were of a woman that alone Was kneeling; a pink liquid by her shone, Which raising to her luminous, lantern jaw, She sipped; or idly stirred it with a straw. Upon her hat she wore a kind of fowl, An hummingbird, I ween, or else an owl. Then turned to me. I looked the other way, Trembling; I knew the words she wished to say. So warm her gaze the blood rushed to my head, Instinctively I knew her feet were dead. Amorphous feet, like monumental moons, Pavement-obliterating, vast, pontoons, Superbly varnished, to the ice had come, And now, snow-kissed, frost-fettered, dangled numb. Gently she spoke,—the while my senses whirled, Of 'largest circulations in the world'; Wildly she spoke, as babble men in dreams, Of feeling life's blood 'rushing to extremes'; But I ignored her with deliberate stare, [Pg 168] Until the indelicate thing began to swear. Sensations as of pins and needles rose, Apollinaris-like, in tingled toes. She felt the hungry frost that punctured holes, Like concentrated seidlitz, in her soles. Feebly she stept; and sudden was aware Her feet had gone,—they were no longer there,— And from her boots was willing to be freed; She would not keep what she could never need. Sullenly I consented, and withdrew From either heel a huge chaotic shoe; Yet for a time laboriously and slow She journeyed with her ponderous boots, as though Along with her she could not help but bear The bargelike burdens she was wont to wear. Towards me she reeled; and 'Oh! my Uncle,' cried, 'My Uncle!' but I pushed her to one side, Then smiled upon her so she could not stay,— (My smile can frighten motor-cars away):— [Pg 169] While thus I grinned, not knowing what to do, A belted beadle, in immaculate blue, Plucked at my sleeve, and shattered my romance, Wheeling on cushion tires an ambulance. Deliberately then he laid her there, Tucked in and bore away; I did not care! </div> </div> [Pg 170] <h3>ROSEMARY</h3> (A Ballad of the Boudoir) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> 'E'er August be turned to September, Nor Summer to Autumn as yet, My darling, you Autumn remember What Summer so sure to forget. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Though age may extinguish the ember That glowed in our hearts when we met, Remember, my love, to remember, And I will forget to forget. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Who knows but the winds of December May drift us asunder, my pet; And if I forget to remember, Remember, my sweet, to forget! [Pg 171]</div> <div class="stanza"> 'My beauty will fade, as the posy You gave me that night on the stairs; My lips will not always be rosy, My head cannot give itself 'airs. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Alas! as we both become older, Existence draws nigh to a close; So, until I've forgotten your shoulder, You must not remember my nose. </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Our days were not all sunny weather; Even so we have nought to regret,— Ah! let us remember together, Until we forget to forget!' </div> </div> [Pg 172] <h3>PORTKNOCKIE'S PORTER</h3> (With apologies to Porphyria's Lover) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> The train came early in to-night, The sullen guard was soon awake, And threw my luggage down, for spite, To where the platform seemed a lake; And did his best my box to break. When sidled up a porter; straight, He mopped the platform with a broom, And, kneeling, made the well-filled grate Blaze up within the waiting-room, And so dispelled the usual gloom. Which done, he came and took his seat Beside me, doffed his coat, untied His bootlaces, and let his feet [Pg 173] Peep coyly out on either side; Then called me. When no voice replied, He rolled his shirt-sleeve up, and rose, And laid his brawny biceps bare, And, where my eyebrows meet my nose, He slowly shook his fist, just there, And seized me by my yellow hair. Then roughly asked me, had I got A head as empty as a bubble? Bidding me sternly, did I not Desire henceforth to see things double, To give him something for his trouble. Nor could my arguments prevail; Entreaties, threats were all in vain! Returned he to the twice-told tale Of how, from out the midnight train, He bore my luggage through the rain. I fixed him with my cold grey eye, But all in vain; at last I knew That porter hated me; (though why [Pg 174] I cannot understand, can you?) And what on earth was I to do! Next moment, though I still perspire To think of it, I quickly found A thing to do; and on the fire I pushed him backwards with a bound, And piled the coal up all around. Cremated him. No pain he felt. As a shut coop that holds a hen, I oped the register and smelt An odour as of burnt quill-pen. My laughter bubbled over then. I seized him lightly, with the tongs About his waist; and through the door I bore him, burning with my wrongs, And laid him on the line. What's more, The down express was due at four. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> The mark is on the metals still, A gruesome stain, I must confess, [Pg 175] And, when I pass, it makes me ill To note the somewhat painful mess Concocted by the down express. Portknockie's porter; so he died. The date of inquest is deferred. 'Tis thought a case of suicide; And he who might have seen or heard,— The guard,—has never said a word. </div> </div> [Pg 176] <h3>THE BALLAD OF THE LITTLE JINGLANDER</h3> 'WHEN THE MOTHER COUNTRY CALLS!' (With apologies to all concerned) <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> North and South and East and West, the message travels fast! East and West and North and South, the bugles blare and blast! North and West and East and South, the battle-cry grows plain! West and South and North and East, it echoes back again! [Pg 177]</div> <div class="stanza"> For the East is calling Westwards, and the North is speaking South, There's a threat on ev'ry curling lip, an oath in ev'ry mouth; 'Tis the shadow of an Empire o'er the Universe that falls, And the winds of Heaven wonder when the Mother-country calls! </div> <div class="stanza"> Now the call is carried coastwise, from Calay to Bungapore, From the sunny South Pacific to the North Atlantic shore; Gathers volume in its footsteps and grows grander as it goes, From Jeboom to Pongawongo, where the Rumtumpootra flows. The 'native-born' he sits alert beneath a deodar, He sharpens up his 'cummerbund' and loads his 'khitmagar,' [Pg 178]</div> <div class="stanza"> His 'ekkah' stands untasted, as he girds upon his brow The 'syce' his father gave him, saying 'unkah punkah jow!' </div> <div class="stanza"> Come forth, you babu jemadar, No lackh of pice we bring, Bid the ferash comb your moustashe, And join the great White King! </div> <div class="stanza"> And Westward, where 'Our Lady of the Sunshine' (not 'the Snows') Delights to herd the caribou, and where the chipmunk grows, The 'habitant' he sits amid a grove of maple trees, He decorates his shanty and he polishes his 'skis.' And see! Through ranch or lumber-camp, where'er the news shall go, The daughters cease to gather fruit, the sons to shovel snow! [Pg 179]</div> <div class="stanza"> They love the dear old Mother-land that they have never seen, The Empire that they advertise as 'vaster than has been'! </div> <div class="stanza"> Come forth, you mild militiaman, To conquer or to fail, Who is it helps the Lion's whelps Untwist the Lion's tail? </div> <div class="stanza"> The pride of race, the pride of place, and bond of blood they feel, The Indies indicate it and New Zealand shows new zeal. The daughters in their Mother's house are mistress in their own; They are her heirs, her flesh is theirs, and they would share her bone! Lo! Greater Britain stretches out her hands across the sea; Australia forgets her impecuniositee; [Pg 180] On Afric's shore the wily Boer is ready now to fight, For the Khaki and the rooinek, for the Empire and the Right! </div> <div class="stanza"> Come forth, you valiant volunteer, Come forth to do or die, You give a hand to Mother, and She'll help you by and by! </div> <div class="stanza"> Upon her score of distant shores the sun is always bright; (And always in her empire, too, it must somewhere be night!) Her birthplace is the Ocean, where her pennon braves the breeze; Her motto, 'What is ours we'll hold (and what is not we'll seize!)' Her rule is strong, her purse is long, her sons are stern and true, [Pg 181] With iron hands she holds her lands (and other people's too). She sees her chance and cries 'Advance,' while others stand and gape, Her oxengoads shall claim the roads from Cairo to the Cape. </div> <div class="stanza"> Come out, you big black Fuzzy-Wuz, You've got to take your share; We'll make you sweat till you forget You broke a British Square! </div> <div class="stanza"> North and South and East and West, the message travels fast! East and West and North and South, the bugles blare and blast! Hear we but a whisper that the foe is at the walls, And, by Gad, we'll show them something when the Mother Country calls! </div> </div> [Pg 182] <h3>AFTWORD</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> 'Tis done! We reach the final page With feelings of relief, I'm certain; And there arrives, at such a stage, The moment to ring down the Curtain. (This metaphor is freely taken From Shakespeare,—or perhaps from Bacon.) </div> <div class="stanza"> The Book perused, our Future brings A plethora of blank to-morrows, When memories of Happier Things Will be our Sorrow's Crown of Sorrows. (I trust you recognise this line As being Tennyson's, not mine.) [Pg 183]</div> <div class="stanza"> My verses may indeed be few, But are they not, to quote the poet, 'The sweetest things that ever grew Beside a human door'? I know it! (What an inhuman door would be, Enquire of Wordsworth, please, not me.) </div> <div class="stanza"> 'Twas one of my most cherished dreams To write a Moral Book some day;— What says the Bard? 'The best laid schemes Of Mice and Men gang aft agley!' (The Bard here mentioned, by the bye, Is Robbie Burns, of course,—not I.) </div> <div class="stanza"> And tho' my pen records each thought As swift as the phonetic Pitman, Morality is not my 'forte,' O Camarados! (vide Whitman). And, like the Porcupine, I still Am forced to ply a fretful quill. [Pg 184]</div> <div class="stanza"> We may be Masters of our Fate, (As Henley was inspired to mention), Yet am I but the Second Mate Upon the s.s. 'Good Intention'; For me the course direct is lacking,— I have to do a deal of tacking. </div> <div class="stanza"> To seek for Morals here's a task Of which you well may be despairing; 'What has become of them?' you ask. They've given me the slip,—like Waring. 'Look East!' said Browning once, and I Would make a similar reply. </div> <div class="stanza"> Look East, where in a garret drear, The Author works, without cessation, Composing verses for a mere- Ly nominal remuneration; And, while he has the strength to write 'em, Will do so still—ad infinitum! </div> </div> [Pg 185] <h3>ENVOI</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> Speed, flippant rhymes, throughout the land; Disperse yourselves with patient zeal! Go, perch upon the critic's hand, Just after he has had a meal. But should he still unfriendly be, Unperch and hasten back to me. </div> <div class="stanza"> .  .  .  .  . </div> <div class="stanza"> O gentle maid, O happy boy, This copy of my book is done; But don't forget that I enjoy A royalty on ev'ry one; Just think how wealthy I should be, If you would purchase two or three! [Pg 186]</div> <div class="stanza"> MORAL </div> <div class="stanza"> No moral that I ever took Seemed quite so evident before. If purchasing an author's book Will keep the wolf from his back-door, It is our very obvious mission To buy up the entire edition. </div> </div> FINIS. Printed by T. and A. Constable, Printers to His Majesty at the Edinburgh University Press <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>BY THE SAME AUTHOR. </h2> <h3>Fiscal Ballads.</h3> (Second Impression.) Fcap. 8vo. 1s. net. 'The fiscal controversy has not been very fruitful in verse. So far as we are aware, only one balladist has found any genuine inspiration in it. That is Mr. Harry Graham, whose skill as a rhymer in other directions has already been abundantly proved. The ballads for the most part take a colloquial form, and while containing much humour, are full of sound doctrine.... Mr. Graham, it will be seen, has great facility in rhyme, and in all this rhyme there is reason. When the General Election comes this book should be a gold-mine for the political reciter.'—Westminster Gazette. 'A most amusing contribution to the literature of the fiscal controversy.'—Daily Telegraph. 'True ballads, with abundant vigour and piquancy.'—Aberdeen Free Press. 'Good both in intention and execution.'—Speaker. 'These ballads ... are very good. Indeed, we cannot remember any recent example of political truths expressed with such exactness as well as spirit in humorous verse. The fun is as good as the argument.... Of this admirable little book we will only say, in conclusion, that it will amuse and delight even those who had imagined that nothing more worth reading could possibly be printed on the fiscal question. We would strongly urge such persons to invest a shilling in "Fiscal Ballads," for we are confident they will not be disappointed. If the Free-Trade organisations are wise, they will seek leave to reprint selections from them in leaflets which can be circulated by the million.'—Spectator. LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43 Maddox St., W. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes.</h3> Illustrated by 'G. H.' Oblong 4to. 3s. 6d. 'It is impossible not to be amused by some of the "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, nor can any one with a sense of humour fail to appreciate the many amusing points in the illustrations.'—Westminster. '"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" is the name of a really charming little book of rhymes. The words are by Col. D. Streamer, and the illustrations by "G. H.," and 'tis hard to say whether words or pictures are the cleverer.... The book is one which must, however, be seen to be appreciated; to properly describe it is impossible.'—Calcutta Englishman. 'Wise parents will, however, keep strictly to themselves "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Col. D. Streamer. The illustrations by "G. H." are very amusing, and especially happy is that to "Equanimity," when <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> "Aunt Jane observed the second time She tumbled off a 'bus, The step is short from the sublime To the ridiculous."' </div> </div> —Daily Telegraph. 'Another charming whimsicality published by Mr. Edward Arnold is "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes."'—Sydney Morning Herald. 'The veriest nonsense, possessing the quality that makes it akin to Carroll's work.'—New York Bookworm. 'It is difficult to see the humour of <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> "Philip, foozling with his cleek, Drove his ball through Helen's cheek. Sad they bore her corpse away, Seven up and six to play."' </div> </div> —Scotsman. LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43 Maddox St., W. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>Ballads of the Boer War.</h3> Fcap. 8vo, buckram. 3s. 6d. net. (Second Edition.) 'There is unquestionably a good deal of human nature in the book, and as an expression of sentiments which have remained hitherto inarticulate, as a revelation not always edifying, but often illuminating, of the heart of the man in the ranks, this little volume is a distinct addition to the literature of the war.'—Spectator. 'Racy expressions of Tommy Atkins' feelings in Tommy Atkins' language.... "Coldstreamer's" verses in their kind are as good as any we have seen.'—Academy. 'These colloquial rhymes express the private soldier's views in his own language.'—The Times. 'These racy ballads make a book which many will read with interest and sympathy.'—Scotsman. 'As good as anything yet done in the vernacular of Mr. Thomas Atkins. A book for every friend of the army.'—Outlook. 'One of the liveliest books of light verse we have come across for a long time.'—County Gentleman. 'Vigorous Kiplingesque verses, with sound common-sense and genuine feeling. Well worth reading and buying.'—To-Day. 'Mephitic exhalations.'—Daily News. LONDON: GRANT RICHARDS, 48 Leicester Square, W.C. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>Misrepresentative Men.</h3> Illustrated by F. STROTHMAN. (Second Edition.) OPINIONS OF THE AMERICAN PRESS. 'One of the most amusing books of the year. Mr. Graham is a fluent and ingenious rhymester, with an alert mind and a well-controlled sense of humour.'—The Times (New York). '"Misrepresentative Men" shows so high-spirited a mastery of words and metre (the result, we take it, of laborious days) that it will be read with pleasure by the most fastidious lover of what is amusing.'—The Nation (New York). 'Mr. Graham's verses are exceedingly clever, and Mr. Strothman's illustrations add to their cleverness.'—The Bookman (New York). 'A very amusing little book, by that cleverly humorous versifier "Col. D. Streamer," whose Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes has had such a deserved vogue.'—Town Topics (New York). 'The most amusing biographical caricatures of celebrities that we have read for a long time. There is not a dull line in the entire collection.'—The Bookseller (New York). 'These satirical verses have the same ingenious humour as the writer's previous rhymes. The book is altogether refreshing.'—Town and Country (New York). 'The hit of the season.'—The Lexington Herald. 'A most attractively humorous work.'—The Pittsburg Despatch. 'A little book of really clever verse.'—The Milwaukee Sentinel. LONDON: GAY AND BIRD, 22 Bedford Street, Strand. <hr style="width: 45%;" /> <h2> SELECTIONS FROM MR. EDWARD ARNOLD'S LIST OF NEW AND RECENT BOOKS. </h2> <h3> THE LIFE AND TIMES OF THE RIGHT HON. CECIL JOHN RHODES. </h3> By the HON. SIR LEWIS MICHELL. Illustrated. Two volumes, demy 8vo., 30s. net. This important work will take rank as the authoritative biography of one of the greatest of modern Englishmen. Sir Lewis Michell, who has been engaged upon the work for five years, is an executor of Mr. Rhodes' will, and a trustee of the Rhodes Estate. He was an intimate personal friend of Mr. Rhodes for many years, and has had access to all the papers at Groote Schuur. Hitherto, although many partial appreciations of the great man have been published in the Press or in small volumes, no complete and well-informed life of him has appeared. The gap has now been filled by Sir Lewis Michell so thoroughly that we have in these two volumes what will undoubtedly be the final estimate of Mr. Rhodes' career for many years to come. <h3>THE REMINISCENCES OF ADMIRAL MONTAGU.</h3> With Illustrations. One volume, demy 8vo., cloth, 15s. net. The Author of this entertaining book, Admiral the Hon. Victor Montagu, has passed a long life divided between the amusements of aristocratic society in this country and the duties of naval service afloat in many parts of the world. His memory recalls many anecdotes of well-known men, and he was honoured with the personal friendship of the late King Edward VII. and of the German Emperor, by whom his seamanship, as well as his social qualities, were highly esteemed. As a sportsman he has something to say about shooting, fishing, hunting, and cricket, and his stories of life in the great country houses where he was a frequent guest have a flavour of their own. LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43, MADDOX STREET, W. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>NOVELS.</h3> <h4> HOWARDS END.</h4> By E. M. FORSTER, Author of 'A Room with a View,' 'The Longest Journey,' etc. 6s. BY THE SAME AUTHOR. <h4>A ROOM WITH A VIEW. 6s.</h4> <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h4> THE RETURN. </h4> By WALTER DE LA MARE. 6s. 'The Return' is the story of a man suddenly confronted, as if by the caprice of chance, with an ordeal that cuts him adrift from every certain hold he has upon the world immediately around him. He becomes acutely conscious of those unseen powers which to many, whether in reality or in imagination, are at all times vaguely present, haunting life with their influences. In this solitude—a solitude of the mind which the business of everyday life confuses and drives back—he faces as best he can, and gropes his way through his difficulties, and wins his way at last, if not to peace, at least to a clearer and quieter knowledge of self. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h4> THE GRAY MAN. </h4> By JANE WARDLE. 6s. The writer is one of the very few present-day novelists who have consistently followed up the aim they originally set themselves—that of striking a mean between the Realist and the Romanticist. In her latest novel, 'The Gray Man,' which Miss Wardle herself believes to contain the best work she has so far produced, it will be found that she has as successfully avoided the bald one-sidedness of miscalled 'Realism' on the one hand, as the sloppy sentimentality of the ordinary 'Romance' on the other. At the same time, 'The Gray Man' contains both realism and romance in full measure, in the truer sense of both words. BY THE SAME AUTHOR. <h4>MARGERY PIGEON. 6s.</h4> <h4>THE PASQUE FLOWER. 6s.</h4> <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h4>THE PURSUIT.</h4> By FRANK SAVILE. 6s. That the risk of being kidnapped, to which their great riches exposes multi-millionaires, is a very real one, is constantly being reaffirmed in the reports that are published of the elaborate precautions many of them take to preserve their personal liberty. In its present phase, where there is the great wealth on one side and a powerful gang—or rather syndicate—of clever rascals on the other, it possesses many characteristics appealing to those who enjoy a good thrilling romance. Mr. Savile has already won his spurs in this field, but his new tale should place him well in the front ranks of contemporary romancers. BY THE SAME AUTHOR. <h4>SEEKERS. A Romance of the Balkans. 6s.</h4> <h4>THE DESERT VENTURE. 6s.</h4> <hr style="width: 15%;" /> ANNE DOUGLAS SEDGWICK'S LATEST NOVEL. <h4>FRANKLIN KANE.</h4> By ANNE DOUGLAS SEDGWICK, Author of 'Valerie Upton,' 'Amabel Channice,' etc. Second Impression. 6s. 'Anne Sedgwick is in the first rank of modern novelists, and nobody who cares for good work can afford to miss one line that she writes.'—Punch. 'A figure never to be forgotten.'—Standard. 'There are no stereotyped patterns here.'—Daily Chronicle. 'A very graceful and charming comedy.'—Manchester Guardian. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> AN ADMIRABLE NOVEL BY A NEW WRITER. <h4>A STEPSON OF THE SOIL.</h4> By MARY J. H. SKRINE. Second Impression. 6s. 'Mrs. Skrine's admirable novel is one of those unfortunately rare books which, without extenuating the hard facts of life, maintain and raise one's belief in human nature. The story is simple, but the manner of its telling is admirably uncommon. Her portraits are quite extraordinarily vivid.'—Spectator. LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43, MADDOX STREET, W. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>BOOKS ON COUNTRY LIFE.</h3> <h4>FLY-LEAVES FROM A FISHERMAN'S DIARY.</h4> By CAPTAIN G. E. SHARP. With Photogravure Illustrations. Crown 8vo., 5s. net. This is a very charming little book containing the reflections on things piscatorial of a 'dry-fly' fisherman on a south country stream. Although the Author disclaims any right to pose as an expert, it is clear that he knows well his trout, and how to catch them. He is an enthusiast, who thinks nothing of cycling fifteen miles out for an evening's fishing, and home again when the 'rise' is over. Indeed, he confesses that there is no sport he loves so passionately, and this love of his art—surely dry-fly fishing is an art?—makes for writing that is pleasant to read, even as Isaac Walton's love thereof inspired the immortal pages of 'The Compleat Angler.' <h4>MEMORIES OF THE MONTHS.</h4> By the RIGHT HON. SIR HERBERT MAXWELL, Bart., Author of 'Scottish Gardens,' etc. SERIES I. to V. With Photogravure Illustrations. Large crown 8vo., 7s. 6d. each. Every year brings new changes in the old order of Nature, and the observant eye can always find fresh features on the face of the Seasons. Sir Herbert Maxwell goes out to meet Nature on the moor and loch, in garden and forest, and writes of what he sees and feels. This is what gives his work its abiding charm, and makes these memories fill the place of old friends on the library bookshelf. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> COLONEL MEYSEY-THOMPSON'S HANDBOOKS. <h4>A HUNTING CATECHISM.</h4> By COLONEL R. F. MEYSEY-THOMPSON, Author of 'Reminiscences of the Course, the Camp, and the Chase.' Fcap. 8vo., 3s. 6d. net. <h4>A FISHING CATECHISM. 3s. 6d. net.</h4> <h4>A SHOOTING CATECHISM. 3s. 6d. net.</h4> <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h4>A GAMEKEEPER'S NOTE-BOOK.</h4> By Owen Jones and Marcus Woodward. With Photogravure Illustrations. Large crown 8vo., cloth, 7s. 6d. net. In this charming and romantic book we follow the gamekeeper in his secret paths, stand by him while with deft fingers he arranges his traps and snares, watch with what infinite care he tends his young game through all the long days of spring and summer—and in autumn and winter garners with equal eagerness the fruits of his labour. He takes us into the coverts at night, and with him we keep the long vigil—while poachers come, or come not. The authors know their subject through and through. This is a real series of studies from life, and the note-book from which all the impressions are drawn and all the pictures painted is the real note-book of a real gamekeeper. <h4>TEN YEARS OF GAME-KEEPING.</h4> By Owen Jones. With numerous Illustrations from Photographs by the Author. One volume, demy 8vo., cloth, 10s. 6d. net. 'This is a book for all sportsmen, for all who take an interest in sport, and for all who love the English woodlands. Mr. Jones writes from triple view-points—those of sportsman, naturalist, and gamekeeper—and every page of his book reveals an intimate knowledge of the ways of the English wild, a perfect mastery of all that the word "woodcraft" may stand for, and a true instinct of sportsmanship. This book at once takes its place as a standard work; and its freshness will endure as surely as spring comes to the woods that inspired it.'—Evening Standard. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> REGINALD FARRER'S GARDENING BOOKS. <h4>IN A YORKSHIRE GARDEN.</h4> By REGINALD FARRER. With numerous Illustrations. Demy 8vo., 10s. 6d. net. <h4>MY ROCK-GARDEN.</h4> Fully Illustrated. Large crown 8vo., 7s. 6d. net. Third Impression. <h4>ALPINES AND BOG-PLANTS.</h4> Fully Illustrated. Large crown 8vo., 7s. 6d. net. <h4>A BOOK ABOUT ROSES.</h4> By the late Very Rev. S. Reynolds Hole, Dean of Rochester. Illustrated by G. H. Moon and G. S. Elgood, R.I. Twenty-fourth Impression. Presentation Edition, with Coloured Plates, 6s. Popular Edition, 3s. 6d. <h4>A BOOK ABOUT THE GARDEN AND THE GARDENER.</h4> By the late Very Rev. S. Reynolds Hole, Dean of Rochester. Popular Edition. Crown 8vo., 3s. 6d. LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43, MADDOX STREET, W. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>BOOKS OF TRAVEL.</h3> <h4>FOREST LIFE AND SPORT IN INDIA.</h4> By Sainthill Eardley-Wilmot, C.I.E., lately Inspector-General of Forests to the Indian Government; Commissioner under the Development and Road Improvement Funds Act. Fully Illustrated. Demy 8vo. 12s. 6d. net. The Author of this volume was appointed to the Indian Forest Service in days when the Indian Mutiny was fresh in the minds of his companions, and life in the department full of hardships, loneliness, and discomfort. These drawbacks, however, were largely compensated for by the splendid opportunities for sports of all kinds which almost every station in the Service offered, and it is in describing the pursuit of game that the most exciting episodes of the book are to be found. Tigers, spotted deer, wild buffaloes, mountain goats, sambhar, bears, and panthers, are the subject of endless yarns, in the relation of which innumerable useful hints, often the result of failure and even disasters, are given. <h4>IN FORBIDDEN SEAS: Recollections of Sea-Otter Hunting in the Kurils.</h4> By H. J. Snow, F.R.G.S. Illustrated. Demy 8vo. 12s. 6d. net. The Author of this interesting book has had an experience probably unique in an almost unknown part of the world. The stormy wind-swept and fog-bound regions of the Kuril Islands, between Japan and Kamchatka, have rarely been visited save by the adventurous hunters of the sea-otter, and the animal is now becoming so scarce that the hazardous occupation of these bold voyagers is no longer profitable. <h4>SPORT AND NATURE IN SPAIN.</h4> By Abel Chapman and Walter J. Buck, British Vice-Consul at Jerez. With 200 Illustrations by the Authors, E. Caldwell, and others, Sketch Maps, and Photographs. In Europe Spain is certainly far and away the wildest of wild lands—due as much to her physical formation as to any historic or racial causes. Naturally the Spanish fauna remains one of the richest and most varied in Europe. It is of these wild regions and of their wild inhabitants that the authors write, backed by lifelong experience. The present work represents nearly forty years of constant study, of practical experience in field and forest, combined with systematic note-taking and analysis by men who are recognized as specialists in their selected pursuits. These comprise every branch of sport with rod, gun, and rifle; and, beyond all that, the ability to elaborate the results in the light of modern zoological science. <h4>TWENTY YEARS IN THE HIMALAYA.</h4> By Major the Hon. C. G. Bruce, M.V.O., Fifth Gurkha Rifles. Fully Illustrated. With Map. Demy 8vo., cloth. 16s. net. The Himalaya is a world in itself, comprising many regions which differ widely from each other as regards their natural features, their fauna and flora, and the races and languages of their inhabitants. Major Bruce's relation to this world is absolutely unique—he has journeyed through it, now in one part, now in another, sometimes mountaineering, sometimes in pursuit of big game, sometimes in the performance of his professional duties, for more than twenty years; and now his acquaintance with it under all its diverse aspects, though naturally far from complete, is more varied and extensive than has ever been possessed by anyone else. <h4>RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD MOUNTAINEER.</h4> By Walter Larden. Fully Illustrated. Demy 8vo., cloth. 14s. net. There are a few men in every generation, such as A. F. Mummery and L. Norman Neruda, who possess a natural genius for mountaineering. The ordinary lover of the mountains reads the story of their climbs with admiration and perhaps a tinge of envy, but with no thought of following in their footsteps—such feats are not for him. The great and special interest of Mr. Larden's book lies in the fact that he does not belong to this small and distinguished class. He tells us, and convinces us, that he began his Alpine career with no exceptional endowment of nerve or activity, and describes, fully and with supreme candour, how he made himself into what he very modestly calls a second-class climber—not 'a Grepon-crack man,' but one capable of securely and successfully leading a party of amateurs over such peaks as Mont Collon or the Combin. <h4>THE MISADVENTURES OF A HACK CRUISER.</h4> By F. Claude Kempson, Author of 'The Green Finch Cruise.' With 50 Illustrations from the Author's sketches. Medium 8vo., cloth. 6s. net. Mr. Kempson's amusing account of 'The Green Finch Cruise,' which was published last year, gave deep delight to the joyous fraternity of amateur sailor-men, and the success that book enjoyed has encouraged him to describe a rather more ambitious cruise he undertook subsequently. Mr. Kempson is not an expert, but he shows how anyone accustomed to a sportsman's life can, with a little instruction and common sense, have a thoroughly enjoyable time sailing a small boat. The book is full of 'tips and wrinkles' of all kinds, interspersed with amusing anecdotes and reflections. The Author's sketches are exquisitely humorous, and never more so than when he is depicting his own substantial person. LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43, MADDOX STREET, W. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>THE COTTAGE HOMES OF ENGLAND.</h3> Charmingly Illustrated in Colour by Mrs. ALLINGHAM. With 64 Full-page Coloured Plates from Pictures by HELEN ALLINGHAM, never before reproduced. 8vo. (9-1/2 in. by 7 in.), 21s. net. Also a limited Edition de Luxe, 42s. net. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>A HISTORY OF THE LONDON HOSPITAL.</h3> By E. W. MORRIS, Secretary of the London Hospital. With Illustrations. 6s. net. 'Besant long ago wrote "All Sorts and Conditions of Men," and won and built thereby the People's Palace. Here is a better book. Its people are real, its romance is facts, its palace is a hospital of a thousand beds.'—Daily Telegraph. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h3>THE BOOK OF WINTER SPORTS.</h3> With an Introduction by the Rt. Hon. the EARL OF LYTTON, and contributions from experts in various branches of sport. Edited by EDGAR SYERS. Fully Illustrated. Demy 8vo., 15s. net. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h4>THE DUDLEY BOOK OF COOKERY AND HOUSEHOLD RECIPES.</h4> By GEORGIANA, COUNTESS OF DUDLEY. Handsomely printed and bound. Third Impression. 7s. 6d. net. <hr style="width: 15%;" /> <h4>COMMON-SENSE COOKERY:</h4> Based on Modern English and Continental Principles worked out in Detail. By Colonel A. Kenney-Herbert. Over 500 pages. Illustrated. 6s. net. BY THE SAME AUTHOR. <h4>FIFTY BREAKFASTS. 2s. 6d.</h4> <h4>FIFTY LUNCHEONS. 2s. 6d.</h4> <h4>FIFTY DINNERS. 2s. 6d.</h4> LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43, MADDOX STREET, W. <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h3>Transcriber's Notes</h3> Pages 148 and 149: The words noted below are transliterations of the original Greek characters. Then spoke a Greek, 'The Isles of Greece! What can compare with those? [Greek: Thalassa]! and [Greek: Eurêka]! [Greek: Rhododaktylos êôs]!' 'But the country of my childhood Is the best that man may know, Oh [Greek: didêmi] also [Greek: phêmi], [Greek: Zôê mou sas agapô]!' <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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