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Wit and Humor of America, The Vol 02

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<SPAN name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</SPAN></span></div></div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>BARNEY MCGEE</h2> <h3>BY RICHARD HOVEY</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Barney McGee, there's no end of good luck in you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Will-o'-the-wisp, with a flicker of Puck in you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Wild as a bull-pup, and all of his pluck in you&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Let a man tread on your coat and he'll see!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Eyes like the lakes of Killarney for clarity,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Nose that turns up without any vulgarity,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Smile like a cherub, and hair that is carroty&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Whoop, you're a rarity, Barney McGee!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Mellow as Tarragon,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Prouder than Aragon&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Hardly a paragon,<br /></span> <span class="i0">You will agree&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's all that's fine to you!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Books and old wine to you!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Girls be divine to you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Barney McGee!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Lucky the day when I met you unwittingly,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Dining where vagabonds came and went flittingly.<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's some <i>Barbera</i> to drink it befittingly,<br /></span> <span class="i0">That day at Silvio's, Barney McGee!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Many's the time we have quaffed our Chianti there,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Listened to Silvio quoting us Dante there&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Once more to drink Nebiolo spumante there,<br /></span> <span class="i0">How we'd pitch Pommery into the sea!<br /></span> <span class="i0">There where the gang of us<br /></span> <span class="i0">Met ere Rome rang of us,</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</SPAN></span><br /> <span class="i0">They had the hang of us<br /></span> <span class="i0">To a degree.<br /></span> <span class="i0">How they would trust to you!<br /></span> <span class="i0">That was but just to you.<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's o'er their dust to you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Barney McGee!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Barney McGee, when you're sober you scintillate,<br /></span> <span class="i0">But when you're in drink you're the pride of the intellect;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Divil a one of us ever came in till late,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Once at the bar where you happened to be&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Every eye there like a spoke in you centering,<br /></span> <span class="i0">You with your eloquence, blarney, and bantering&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">All Vagabondia shouts at your entering,<br /></span> <span class="i0">King of the Tenderloin, Barney McGee!<br /></span> <span class="i0">There's no satiety<br /></span> <span class="i0">In your society<br /></span> <span class="i0">With the variety<br /></span> <span class="i0">Of your esprit.<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's a long purse to you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">And a great thirst to you!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Fate be no worse to you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Barney McGee!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Och, and the girls whose poor hearts you deracinate,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Whirl and bewilder and flutter and fascinate!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Faith, it's so killing you are, you assassinate&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Murder's the word for you, Barney McGee!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Bold when they're sunny, and smooth when they're showery&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Oh, but the style of you, fluent and flowery!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Chesterfield's way, with a touch of the Bowery!<br /></span> <span class="i0">How would they silence you, Barney machree?<br /></span> <span class="i0">Naught can your gab allay,</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</SPAN></span><br /> <span class="i0">Learned as Rabelais<br /></span> <span class="i0">(You in his abbey lay<br /></span> <span class="i0">Once on the spree).<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's to the smile of you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">(Oh, but the guile of you!)<br /></span> <span class="i0">And a long while of you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Barney McGee!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Facile with phrases of length and Latinity,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Like honorificabilitudinity,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Where is the maid could resist your vicinity,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Wiled by the impudent grace of your plea?<br /></span> <span class="i0">Then your vivacity and pertinacity<br /></span> <span class="i0">Carry the day with the divil's audacity;<br /></span> <span class="i0">No mere veracity robs your sagacity<br /></span> <span class="i0">Of perspicacity, Barney McGee.<br /></span> <span class="i0">When all is new to them,<br /></span> <span class="i0">What will you do to them?<br /></span> <span class="i0">Will you be true to them?<br /></span> <span class="i0">Who shall decree?<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's a fair strife to you!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Health and long life to you!<br /></span> <span class="i0">And a great wife to you, Barney McGee!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Barney McGee, you're the pick of gentility;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Nothing can phase you, you've such a facility;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Nobody ever yet found your utility&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">There is the charm of you, Barney McGee;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Under conditions that others would stammer in,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Still unperturbed as a cat or a Cameron,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Polished as somebody in the Decameron,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Putting the glamour on price or Pawnee.<br /></span> <span class="i0">In your meanderin',<br /></span> <span class="i0">Love and philanderin',</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</SPAN></span><br /> <span class="i0">Calm as a mandarin<br /></span> <span class="i0">Sipping his tea!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Under the art of you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Parcel and part of you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's to the heart of you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Barney McGee!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">You who were ever alert to befriend a man,<br /></span> <span class="i0">You who were ever the first to defend a man,<br /></span> <span class="i0">You who had always the money to lend a man,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Down on his luck and hard up for a V!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Sure, you'll be playing a harp in beatitude<br /></span> <span class="i0">(And a quare sight you will be in that attitude)&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">Some day, where gratitude seems but a platitude,<br /></span> <span class="i0">You'll find your latitude, Barney McGee.<br /></span> <span class="i0">That's no flim-flam at all,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Frivol or sham at all,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Just the plain&mdash;Damn it all,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Have one with me!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Here's one and more to you!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Friends by the score to you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">True to the core to you,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Barney McGee!<br /></span> <span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</SPAN></span></div></div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>THE OLD DEACON'S VERSION OF THE STORY OF THE RICH MAN AND LAZARUS</h2> <h3>BY FRANK L. STANTON</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">I s'pose yo' know de story, O my brotherin', er de man<br /></span> <span class="i0">Dat wuz rich ez cream, en livin' on de fatness er de lan'?<br /></span> <span class="i0">How he sot dar eatin' 'possum, en when Laz'rus ax fer some,<br /></span> <span class="i0">He tell 'im: "Git erway, dar! fer you'll never git a crumb!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">De rich man wuz a feastin' f'um his chiny plate en cup,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Kaze he 'fraid his po' relations come en eat his wittles up;<br /></span> <span class="i0">I spec' he had <i>two</i> 'possums on de table long en wide,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En a jimmyjohn er cane juice wuz a-settin' by his side.<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">En he say: "Dis heah des suits me, en I gwine ter eat my fill;<br /></span> <span class="i0">But I'll sic de dogs on Laz'rus, ef he waitin' roun' heah still."<br /></span> <span class="i0">En de dogs commence dey barkin', raise a racket high en low,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En when Laz'rus see 'em comin' he decide 'twuz time ter go.<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">So, he limp off on his crutches, en de rich man think it's fun,<br /></span> <span class="i0">But I reckon Laz'rus answer: "I'll git even wid you, son!"<br /></span> <span class="i0">De rich man so enjoy hisse'f he laugh hisse'f ter bed,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En, brotherin', when he wake up he wuz stiff, stone dead!</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</SPAN></span><br /> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">En den he raise a racket, en he holler out: "What dis?<br /></span> <span class="i0">De place is onfamiliar, en I wonder whar' I is?"<br /></span> <span class="i0">Den Satan, he mek answer: "I'm de man ter tell you dat:<br /></span> <span class="i0">You's in de fire department er de place I livin' at!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Den de rich man say: "Whar' Laz'rus dat wuz beggin' at my gate?"<br /></span> <span class="i0">En Satan tell him: "Yander, wid a silver spoon en plate;<br /></span> <span class="i0">En he eatin' fit ter kill hisse'f! He spendin' er de day<br /></span> <span class="i0">Wid good ol' Mister Abra'm, but he mighty fur away!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">"Will you please, suh," say de rich man, "ax him bring a drink ter me,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Wid a li'l' ice ter cool it? Kaze I hot ez hot kin be!"<br /></span> <span class="i0">But Satan fall ter laughin', whilst he stir de fire roun':&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">"De ice would melt, my brother, 'fo' it ever hit de groun'!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Den he fill a cup wid brimstone&mdash;fill it steamin' ter de top;<br /></span> <span class="i0">But de rich man say he swear off, dat he never tech a drop!<br /></span> <span class="i0">But Satan grab his pitchfork whilst de rich man give a squall,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En in 'bout a half a second he had swallered cup en all!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Now, dat's erbout de story er de rich man at de feas',<br /></span> <span class="i0">What wouldn't pass de 'possum roun' when Laz'rus want a piece.<br /></span> <span class="i0">De 'possum means yo' pocketbook, de moral's plain ez day:<br /></span> <span class="i0">Shake de dollars in de basket 'fo' you go de rich man's way!<br /></span> <span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</SPAN></span></div></div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>THE TWO SUITORS</h2> <h3>BY CAROLYN WELLS</h3> <p>Once on a Time there was a Charming Young Maiden who had Two Suitors.</p> <p>One of These, who was of a Persistent and Persevering Nature, managed to be Continually in the Young Lady's Company.</p> <p>He would pay her a visit in the Morning, Drop In to Tea in the Afternoon, and Call on her Again in the Evening.</p> <p>He took her Driving, and he Escorted her to the Theater. He would take her to a Party, and then he would Dance, or Sit on the Stairs, or Flit into the Conservatory with her.</p> <p>The Young Lady admired this man but she Wearied of his never-ceasing Presence, and she Said to Herself, "If he were not Always at my Elbow I should Better Appreciate his Good Qualities."</p> <p>The Other Suitor, who considered himself a Man of Deep and Penetrating Cleverness, said to himself, "I will Go Away for a Time, and then my Fair One will Realize my Worth and Call Me Back to Her."</p> <p>With a sad Visage he made his Adieus, and he Exacted her Pledge to Write to him Occasionally. But after he had Gone she Forgot her Promise, and Soon she Forgot his Very Existence.</p> <h3>MORALS:</h3> <p>This Fable teaches that Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder, and that Out of Sight is Out of Mind.<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</SPAN></span></p> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>THE RECRUIT</h2> <h3>BY ROBERT W. CHAMBERS</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"Bedad, yer a bad 'un!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Now turn out yer toes!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Yer belt is unhookit,<br /></span> <span class="i4">Yer cap is on crookit,<br /></span> <span class="i4">Ye may not be dhrunk,<br /></span> <span class="i4">But, be jabers, ye look it!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye monkey-faced divil, I'll jolly ye through!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye march like the aigle in Cintheral Parrk!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"A saint it ud sadden<br /></span> <span class="i4">To dhrill such a mug!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Eyes front! ye baboon, ye!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Chin up! ye gossoon, ye!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Ye've jaws like a goat&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Halt! ye leather-lipped loon, ye!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye whiskered orang-outang, I'll fix you!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye've eyes like a bat! can ye see in the dark?"</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</SPAN></span><br /> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"Yer figger wants padd'n&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Sure, man, ye've no shape!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Behind ye yer shoulders<br /></span> <span class="i4">Stick out like two bowlders;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Yer shins is as thin<br /></span> <span class="i4">As a pair of pen-holders!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Yer belly belongs on yer back, ye Jew!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">I'm dhry as a dog&mdash;I can't shpake but I bark!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"Me heart it ud gladden<br /></span> <span class="i4">To blacken yer eye.<br /></span> <span class="i4">Ye're gettin' too bold, ye<br /></span> <span class="i4">Compel me to scold ye&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">'T is halt! that I say&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Will ye heed what I told ye?<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Be jabers, I'm dhryer than Brian Boru!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">What's wur-ruk for chickens is sport for the lark!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"I'll not stay a gadd'n<br /></span> <span class="i4">Wid dagoes like you!<br /></span> <span class="i4">I'll travel no farther,<br /></span> <span class="i4">I'm dyin' for&mdash;wather;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Come on, if ye like&mdash;</span><span class='pagenum'>
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