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Wit and Humor of America, The Vol 02

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<SPAN name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</SPAN></span></div></div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>THE OLD DEACON'S VERSION OF THE STORY OF THE RICH MAN AND LAZARUS</h2> <h3>BY FRANK L. STANTON</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">I s'pose yo' know de story, O my brotherin', er de man<br /></span> <span class="i0">Dat wuz rich ez cream, en livin' on de fatness er de lan'?<br /></span> <span class="i0">How he sot dar eatin' 'possum, en when Laz'rus ax fer some,<br /></span> <span class="i0">He tell 'im: "Git erway, dar! fer you'll never git a crumb!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">De rich man wuz a feastin' f'um his chiny plate en cup,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Kaze he 'fraid his po' relations come en eat his wittles up;<br /></span> <span class="i0">I spec' he had <i>two</i> 'possums on de table long en wide,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En a jimmyjohn er cane juice wuz a-settin' by his side.<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">En he say: "Dis heah des suits me, en I gwine ter eat my fill;<br /></span> <span class="i0">But I'll sic de dogs on Laz'rus, ef he waitin' roun' heah still."<br /></span> <span class="i0">En de dogs commence dey barkin', raise a racket high en low,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En when Laz'rus see 'em comin' he decide 'twuz time ter go.<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">So, he limp off on his crutches, en de rich man think it's fun,<br /></span> <span class="i0">But I reckon Laz'rus answer: "I'll git even wid you, son!"<br /></span> <span class="i0">De rich man so enjoy hisse'f he laugh hisse'f ter bed,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En, brotherin', when he wake up he wuz stiff, stone dead!</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</SPAN></span><br /> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">En den he raise a racket, en he holler out: "What dis?<br /></span> <span class="i0">De place is onfamiliar, en I wonder whar' I is?"<br /></span> <span class="i0">Den Satan, he mek answer: "I'm de man ter tell you dat:<br /></span> <span class="i0">You's in de fire department er de place I livin' at!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Den de rich man say: "Whar' Laz'rus dat wuz beggin' at my gate?"<br /></span> <span class="i0">En Satan tell him: "Yander, wid a silver spoon en plate;<br /></span> <span class="i0">En he eatin' fit ter kill hisse'f! He spendin' er de day<br /></span> <span class="i0">Wid good ol' Mister Abra'm, but he mighty fur away!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">"Will you please, suh," say de rich man, "ax him bring a drink ter me,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Wid a li'l' ice ter cool it? Kaze I hot ez hot kin be!"<br /></span> <span class="i0">But Satan fall ter laughin', whilst he stir de fire roun':&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i0">"De ice would melt, my brother, 'fo' it ever hit de groun'!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Den he fill a cup wid brimstone&mdash;fill it steamin' ter de top;<br /></span> <span class="i0">But de rich man say he swear off, dat he never tech a drop!<br /></span> <span class="i0">But Satan grab his pitchfork whilst de rich man give a squall,<br /></span> <span class="i0">En in 'bout a half a second he had swallered cup en all!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Now, dat's erbout de story er de rich man at de feas',<br /></span> <span class="i0">What wouldn't pass de 'possum roun' when Laz'rus want a piece.<br /></span> <span class="i0">De 'possum means yo' pocketbook, de moral's plain ez day:<br /></span> <span class="i0">Shake de dollars in de basket 'fo' you go de rich man's way!<br /></span> <span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</SPAN></span></div></div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>THE TWO SUITORS</h2> <h3>BY CAROLYN WELLS</h3> <p>Once on a Time there was a Charming Young Maiden who had Two Suitors.</p> <p>One of These, who was of a Persistent and Persevering Nature, managed to be Continually in the Young Lady's Company.</p> <p>He would pay her a visit in the Morning, Drop In to Tea in the Afternoon, and Call on her Again in the Evening.</p> <p>He took her Driving, and he Escorted her to the Theater. He would take her to a Party, and then he would Dance, or Sit on the Stairs, or Flit into the Conservatory with her.</p> <p>The Young Lady admired this man but she Wearied of his never-ceasing Presence, and she Said to Herself, "If he were not Always at my Elbow I should Better Appreciate his Good Qualities."</p> <p>The Other Suitor, who considered himself a Man of Deep and Penetrating Cleverness, said to himself, "I will Go Away for a Time, and then my Fair One will Realize my Worth and Call Me Back to Her."</p> <p>With a sad Visage he made his Adieus, and he Exacted her Pledge to Write to him Occasionally. But after he had Gone she Forgot her Promise, and Soon she Forgot his Very Existence.</p> <h3>MORALS:</h3> <p>This Fable teaches that Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder, and that Out of Sight is Out of Mind.<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</SPAN></span></p> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>THE RECRUIT</h2> <h3>BY ROBERT W. CHAMBERS</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"Bedad, yer a bad 'un!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Now turn out yer toes!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Yer belt is unhookit,<br /></span> <span class="i4">Yer cap is on crookit,<br /></span> <span class="i4">Ye may not be dhrunk,<br /></span> <span class="i4">But, be jabers, ye look it!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye monkey-faced divil, I'll jolly ye through!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye march like the aigle in Cintheral Parrk!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"A saint it ud sadden<br /></span> <span class="i4">To dhrill such a mug!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Eyes front! ye baboon, ye!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Chin up! ye gossoon, ye!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Ye've jaws like a goat&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Halt! ye leather-lipped loon, ye!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye whiskered orang-outang, I'll fix you!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Ye've eyes like a bat! can ye see in the dark?"</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</SPAN></span><br /> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"Yer figger wants padd'n&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Sure, man, ye've no shape!<br /></span> <span class="i4">Behind ye yer shoulders<br /></span> <span class="i4">Stick out like two bowlders;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Yer shins is as thin<br /></span> <span class="i4">As a pair of pen-holders!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Yer belly belongs on yer back, ye Jew!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">I'm dhry as a dog&mdash;I can't shpake but I bark!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"Me heart it ud gladden<br /></span> <span class="i4">To blacken yer eye.<br /></span> <span class="i4">Ye're gettin' too bold, ye<br /></span> <span class="i4">Compel me to scold ye&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">'T is halt! that I say&mdash;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Will ye heed what I told ye?<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i0">Be jabers, I'm dhryer than Brian Boru!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Wan&mdash;two!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Time! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">What's wur-ruk for chickens is sport for the lark!"<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Sez Corporal Madden to Private McFadden:<br /></span> <span class="i4">"I'll not stay a gadd'n<br /></span> <span class="i4">Wid dagoes like you!<br /></span> <span class="i4">I'll travel no farther,<br /></span> <span class="i4">I'm dyin' for&mdash;wather;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Come on, if ye like&mdash;</span><span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</SPAN></span><br /> <span class="i4">Can ye loan me a quarther?<br /></span> <span class="i6">Ya-as, you,<br /></span> <span class="i6">What&mdash;two?<br /></span> <span class="i0">And ye'll pay the potheen? Ye're a daisy!<br /></span> <span class="i8">Whurroo!<br /></span> <span class="i6">You'll do!<br /></span> <span class="i6">Whist! Mark!<br /></span> <span class="i0">The Rigiment's flatthered to own ye, me spark!"<br /></span> </div></div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>THE BEECHER BEACHED</h2> <h3>BY JOHN B. TABB</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">Were Harriet Beecher well aware<br /></span> <span class="i0">Of what was done in Delaware,<br /></span> <span class="i0">Of that unwholesome smell aware,<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">She'd make all heaven and hell aware,<br /></span> <span class="i0">And ask John Brown to tell her where<br /></span> <span class="i0">Henceforth she best might sell her ware.<br /></span> <span class='pagenum'>
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