<SPAN name="startofbook"></SPAN>
<h1>THE IMAGINARY INVALID.</h1>
<h2>(LE MALADE IMAGINAIRE.)</h2>
<h4>BY</h4>
<p> </p>
<h1>MOLIÈRE</h1>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<h4>TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH PROSE.</h4>
<h4><i>WITH SHORT INTRODUCTIONS AND EXPLANATORY NOTES</i></h4>
<h4>BY</h4>
<p> </p>
<h2>CHARLES HERON WALL</h2>
<p> </p>
<p>This is the last comedy written by Molière. He was very ill, nearly
dying, at the time he wrote it. It was first acted at the Palais Royal
Theatre, on February 10, 1673.</p>
<p>Molière acted the part of Argan.</p>
<hr class="narrow" />
<p> </p>
<h3>PERSONS REPRESENTED.</h3>
<p> </p>
<div class="ind8">
<p><span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>, <i>an imaginary invalid</i>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Béline</span>, <i>second wife to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>, <i>daughter to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>, <i>in love with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Louison, Argan's</span> <i>young daughter, sister to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>, <i>brother to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>, <i>lover to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Diafoirus</span>, <i>a physician</i>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Thomas Diafoirus</span>, <i>his son, in love with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Purgon</span>, <i>physician to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Fleurant</span>, <i>an apothecary</i>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bonnefoi</span>, <i>a notary</i>.<br/>
<span class="smallcaps">Toinette</span>, <i>maid-servant to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>.</p>
</div>
<p> </p>
<h1>THE IMAGINARY INVALID.</h1>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<h2>ACT I.</h2>
<h3>SCENE I.——ARGAN (<i>sitting at a table, adding up his apothecary's bill with counters</i>).</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Three and two make five, and five make ten, and ten make twenty.
"Item, on the 24th, a small, insinuative clyster, preparative and
gentle, to soften, moisten, and refresh the bowels of Mr. Argan." What
I like about Mr. Fleurant, my apothecary, is that his bills are always
civil. "The bowels of Mr. Argan." All the same, Mr. Fleurant, it is
not enough to be civil, you must also be reasonable, and not plunder
sick people. Thirty sous for a clyster! I have already told you, with
all due respect to you, that elsewhere you have only charged me twenty
sous; and twenty sous, in the language of apothecaries, means only ten
sous. Here they are, these ten sous. "Item, on the said day, a good
detergent clyster, compounded of double catholicon rhubarb, honey of
roses, and other ingredients, according to the prescription, to scour,
work, and clear out the bowels of Mr. Argan, thirty sons." With your
leave, ten sous. "Item, on the said day, in the evening, a julep,
hepatic, soporiferous, and somniferous, intended to promote the sleep
of Mr. Argan, thirty-five sous." I do not complain of that, for it
made me sleep very well. Ten, fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen sous six
deniers. "Item, on the 25th, a good purgative and corroborative
mixture, composed of fresh cassia with Levantine senna and other
ingredients, according to the prescription of Mr. Purgon, to expel Mr.
Argan's bile, four francs." You are joking, Mr. Fleurant; you must
learn to be reasonable with patients; Mr. Purgon never ordered you to
put four francs. Tut! put three francs, if you please. Twenty; thirty
sous.<SPAN href="#fmi1"><span class="small"><sup>1</sup></span></SPAN>
"Item, on the said day, a dose, anodyne and astringent,
to make Mr. Argan sleep, thirty sous." Ten sous, Mr. Fleurant.
"Item, on the 26th, a carminative clyster to cure the
flatulence of Mr. Argan, thirty sous." "Item, the clyster repeated in
the evening, as above, thirty sous." Ten sous, Mr. Fleurant. "Item, on
the 27th, a good mixture composed for the purpose of driving out the
bad humours of Mr. Argan, three francs." Good; twenty and thirty sous;
I am glad that you are reasonable. "Item, on the 28th, a dose of
clarified and edulcorated whey, to soften, lenify, temper, and refresh
the blood of Mr. Argan, twenty sous." Good; ten sous. "Item, a potion,
cordial and preservative, composed of twelve grains of bezoar, syrup
of citrons and pomegranates, and other ingredients, according to the
prescription, five francs." Ah! Mr. Fleurant, gently, if you please;
if you go on like that, no one will wish to be unwell. Be satisfied
with four francs. Twenty, forty sous. Three and two are five, and five
are ten, and ten are twenty. Sixty-three francs four sous six deniers.
So that during this month I have taken one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight mixtures, and one, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve clysters; and last month there
were twelve mixtures and twenty clysters. I am not astonished,
therefore, that I am not so well this month as last. I shall speak to
Mr. Purgon about it, so that he may set the matter right. Come, let
all this be taken away. (<i>He sees that no one comes, and that he is
alone</i>.) Nobody. It's no use, I am always left alone; there's no
way of keeping them here. (<i>He rings a hand-bell.</i>) They don't
hear, and my bell doesn't make enough noise. (<i>He rings again.</i>)
No one. (<i>He rings again.</i>) Toinette! (<i>He rings again.</i>) It's just
as if I didn't ring at all. You hussy! you jade! (<i>He rings again.</i>)
Confound it all! (<i>He rings and shouts.</i>) Deuce take you, you
wretch!</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE II.——ARGAN, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Coming, coming.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ah! you jade, you wretch!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>pretending to have knocked her head</i>). Bother your
impatience! You hurry me so much that I have knocked my head against
the window-shutter.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>angry</i>). You vixen!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>interrupting</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>). Oh!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. There is …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Oh!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. For the last hour I …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Oh!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. You have left me …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Oh!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Be silent! you baggage, and let me scold you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Well! that's too bad after what I have done to myself.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You make me bawl till my throat is sore, you jade!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
And you, you made me break my head open; one is just as bad as
the other; so, with your leave, we are quits.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What! you hussy….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
If you go on scolding me, I shall cry.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. To leave me, you …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>again interrupting</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>.) Oh!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. You would …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>still interrupting him</i>). Oh!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What! shall I have also to give up the pleasure of scolding her?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Well, scold as much as you please; do as you like.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You prevent me, you hussy, by interrupting me every moment.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
If you have the pleasure of scolding, I surely can have that of
crying. Let every one have his fancy; 'tis but right. Oh! oh!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I must give it up, I suppose. Take this away, take this away, you
jade. Be careful to have some broth ready, for the other that I am to
take soon.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
This Mr. Fleurant and Mr. Purgon amuse themselves finely with
your body. They have a rare milch-cow in you, I must say; and I should
like them to tell me what disease it is you have for them to physic
you so.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Hold your tongue, simpleton; it is not for you to control the
decrees of the faculty. Ask my daughter Ang�lique to come to me. I
have something to tell her.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Here she is, coming of her own accord; she must have guessed your
thoughts.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE III.——ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You come just in time; I want to speak to you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I am quite ready to hear you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Wait a moment. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Toinette</span>)
Give me my walking-stick;
I'll come back directly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Go, Sir, go quickly; Mr. Fleurant gives us plenty to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE IV.——ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Toinette!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Well! what?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Look at me a little.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Well, I am looking at you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Toinette!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Well! what, Toinette?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Don't you guess what I want to speak about?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Oh! yes, I have some slight idea that you want to speak of our
young lover, for it is of him we have been speaking for the last six
days, and you are not well unless you mention him at every turn.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Since you know what it is I want, why are you not the first to
speak to me of him? and why do you not spare me the trouble of being
the one to start the conversation?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
You don't give me time, and you are so eager that it is difficult
to be beforehand with you on the subject.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I acknowledge that I am never weary of speaking of him, and that
my heart takes eager advantage of every moment I have to open my heart
to you. But tell me, Toinette, do you blame the feelings I have
towards him?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I am far from doing so.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Am I wrong in giving way to these sweet impressions?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. I don't say that you are.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
And would you have me insensible to the tender protestations of
ardent love which he shows me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Heaven forbid!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Tell me, do you not see, as I do, Something providential, some
act of destiny in the unexpected adventure from which our acquaintance
originated?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Yes.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
That it is impossible to act more generously?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Agreed.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
And that he did all this with the greatest possible grace?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Oh! yes.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Do you not think, Toinette, that he is very handsome?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Certainly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
That he has the best manners in the world?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. No doubt about it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
That there is always something noble in what he says and what he
does?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Most certainly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
That there never was anything more tender than all he says to me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. True.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And that there can be nothing more painful than the restraint
under which I am kept? for it prevents all sweet intercourse, and puts
an end to that mutual love with which Heaven has inspired us.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. You are right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
But, dear Toinette, tell me, do you think that he loves me as
much as he says he does?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Hum! That's a thing hardly to be trusted at any time. A show of
love is sadly like the real thing, and I have met with very good
actors in that line.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Ah! Toinette, what are you saying there? Alas! judging by the
manner in which he speaks, is it possible that he is not telling the
truth?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
At any rate, you will soon be satisfied on this point, and the
resolution which he says he has taken of asking you in marriage, is a
sure and ready way of showing you if what he says is true or not. That
is the all-sufficient proof.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Ah! Toinette, if he deceives me, I shall never in all my life
believe in any man.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Here is your father coming back.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE V.——ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I say, Angélique, I have a piece of news for yon which, perhaps,
you did not expect. You have been asked of me in marriage. Halloa! how
is that? You are smiling. It is pleasant, is it not, that word
marriage? there is nothing so funny to young girls. Ah! nature!
nature! So, from what I see, daughter, there is no need of my asking
you if you are willing to marry.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I ought to obey you in everything, father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I am very glad to possess such an obedient daughter; the thing is
settled then, and I have promised you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
It is my duty, father, blindly to follow all you determine upon
for me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
My wife, your mother-in-law, wanted me to make a nun of you and
of your little sister Louison also. She has always been bent upon
that.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>aside</i>).
The excellent creature has her reasons.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
She would not consent to this marriage; but I carried the day,
and my word is given.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>).
Really, I am pleased with you for that, and it
is the wisest thing you ever did in your life.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I have not seen the person in question; but I am told that I
shall be satisfied with him, and that you too will be satisfied.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Most certainly, father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. How! have you seen him then?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Since your consent to our marriage authorises me to open my heart
to you, I will not hide from you that chance made us acquainted six
days ago, and that the request which has been made to you is the
result of the sympathy we felt for one another at first sight.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
They did not tell me that; but I am glad of it; it is much better
that things should be so. They say that he is a tall, well-made young
fellow.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Yes, father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Of a fine build.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Yes, indeed.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Pleasant.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Certainly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. A good face.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Very good.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Steady and of good family.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Quite.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. With very good manners.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. The best possible.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And speaks both Latin and Greek.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Ah! that I don't know anything about.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And that he will in three days be made a doctor.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. He, father?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Yes; did he not tell you?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. No, indeed! who told you?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Does Mr. Purgon know him?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What a question! Of course he knows him, since he is his nephew.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Cléante is the nephew of Mr. Purgon?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What Cléante? We are speaking about him who has asked you in
marriage.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Yes, of course.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Well, he is the nephew of Mr. Purgon, and the son of his
brother-in-law, Mr. Diafoirus; and this son is called Thomas Diafoirus,
and not Cléante. Mr. Fleurant and I decided upon this match this
morning, and to-morrow this future son-in-law will be brought to me by
his father.… What is the matter, you look all scared?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
It is because, father, I see that you have been speaking of one
person, and I of another.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
What! Sir, you have formed such a queer project as that, and,
with all the wealth you possess, you want to marry your daughter to a
doctor?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What business is it of yours, you impudent jade?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Gently, gently. You always begin by abuse. Can we not reason
together without getting into a rage? Come, let us speak quietly. What
reason have you, if you please, for such a marriage?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
My reason is, that seeing myself infirm and sick, I wish to have
a son-in-law and relatives who are doctors, in order to secure their
kind assistance in my illness, to have in my family the fountain-head
of those remedies which are necessary to me, and to be within reach of
consultations and prescriptions.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Very well; at least that is giving a reason, and there is a
certain pleasure in answering one another calmly. But now, Sir, on
your conscience, do you really and truly believe that you are ill?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Believe that I am ill, you jade? Believe that I am ill, you
impudent hussy?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Very well, then, Sir, you are ill; don't let us quarrel about
that. Yes, you are very ill, I agree with you upon that point, more
ill even than you think. Now, is that settled? But your daughter is to
marry a husband for herself, and as she is not ill, what is the use of
giving her a doctor?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
It is for my sake that I give her this doctor, and a good
daughter ought to be delighted to marry for the sake of her father's
health.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
In good troth, Sir, shall I, as a friend, give you a piece of
advice?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What is this advice?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Not to think of this match.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And your reason?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
The reason is that your daughter will never consent to it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My daughter will not consent to it?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. No.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My daughter?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Your daughter. She will tell you that she has no need of Mr.
Diafoirus, nor of his son, Mr. Thomas Diafoirus, nor all the
Diafoiruses in the world.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
But I have need of them. Besides, the match is more advantageous
than you think. Mr. Diafoirus has only this son for his heir; and,
moreover, Mr. Purgon, who has neither wife nor child, gives all he has
in favour of this marriage; and Mr. Purgon is a man worth eight
thousand francs a year.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
What a lot of people he must have killed to have become so rich!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Eight thousand francs is something, without counting the property
of the father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
That is very well, Sir, but, all the same, I advise you, between
ourselves, to choose another husband for her; she is not of a make to
become a Mrs. Diafoirus.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. But I will have it so.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Fie! nonsense! Don't speak like that.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Don't speak like that? Why not?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Dear me, no, don't.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And why should I not speak like that?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
People will say that you don't know what you are talking about.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
People will say all they like, but I tell you that I will have
her make my promise good.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. I feel sure that she won't.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Then I will force her to do it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. She will not do it, I tell you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
She will, or I will shut her up in a convent.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. You?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Good!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. How good?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
You will not shut her up in a convent.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I shall not shut her up in a convent?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. No.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. No?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. No.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Well, this is cool! I shall not put my daughter in a convent if I
like!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. No, I tell you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And who will hinder me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. You yourself.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Myself?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
You will never have the heart to do it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I shall.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. You are joking.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I am not joking.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Fatherly love will hinder you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. It will not hinder me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
A little tear or two, her arms thrown round your neck, Or "My
darling little papa," said very tenderly, will be enough to touch your
heart.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. All that will be useless.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Oh yes!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I tell you that nothing will move me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Rubbish!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You have no business to say "Rubbish."</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I know you well enough; you are naturally kind-hearted.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>angrily</i>). I am not kind-hearted, and I am ill-natured
when I like.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Gently, Sir, you forget that you are ill.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I command her to prepare herself to take the husband I have fixed
upon.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
And I decidedly forbid her to do anything of the kind.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What have we come to? And what boldness is this for a scrub of a
servant to speak in such a way before her master?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
When a master does not consider what he is doing, a sensible
servant should set him right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>running after</i> <span class="smallcaps">Toinette</span>).
Ah, impudent girl, I will kill you!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>avoiding</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>,
<i>and putting the chair between her and
him</i>). It is my duty to oppose what would be a dishonour to you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>running after</i> <span class="smallcaps">Toinette</span>
<i>with his cane in his hand</i>).
Come here, come here, let me teach you how to speak.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>running to the opposite side of the chair</i>). I interest
myself in your affairs as I ought to do, and I don't wish to see you
commit any folly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>as before</i>). Jade!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>as before</i>).
No, I will never consent to this marriage.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>as before</i>).
Worthless hussy!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>as before</i>).
I won't have her marry your Thomas Diafoirus.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>as before</i>). Vixen!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>as before</i>).
She will obey me sooner than you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>stopping</i>).
Angélique, won't you stop that jade for me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Ah! father, don't make yourself ill.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
If you don't stop her, I will refuse you
my blessing.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>going away</i>).
And I will disinherit her if she obeys you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>throwing himself into his chair</i>).
Ah! I am done for. It
is enough to kill me!</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VI.——BÉLINE, ARGAN.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ah! come near, my wife.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
What ails you, my poor, dear husband?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Come to my help.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
What is the matter, my little darling child?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My love.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. My love.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
They have just put me in a rage.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Alas! my poor little husband! How was that, my own dear pet?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
That jade of yours, Toinette, has grown more insolent than ever.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Don't excite yourself.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
She has put me in a rage, my dove.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Gently, my child.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
She has been thwarting me for the last hour about everything I
want to do.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. There, there; never mind.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And has had the impudence to say that I am not ill.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. She is an impertinent hussy.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You know, my soul, what the truth is?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Yes, my darling, she is wrong.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
My own dear, that jade will be the death of me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Now, don't, don't.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
She is the cause of all my bile.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Don't be so angry.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And I have asked you ever so many times to send her away.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Alas! my child, there is no servant without defects. We are
obliged to put up at times with their bad qualities on account of
their good ones. The girl is skilful, careful, diligent, and, above
all, honest; and you know that in our days we must be very careful
what people we take into our house. I say, Toinette.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VII.——ARGAN, BÉLINE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Madam.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
How is this? Why do you put my husband in a passion?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>in a soft tone</i>).
I, Madam? Alas! I don't know what you
mean, and my only aim is to please master in everything.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ah! the deceitful girl!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
He said to us that he wished to marry his daughter to the son of
Mr. Diafoirus. I told him that I thought the match very advantageous
for her, but that I believed he would do better to put her in a
convent.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
There is not much harm in that, and I think that she is right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah! deary, do you believe her? She is a vile girl, and has said a
hundred insolent things to me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Well, I believe you, my dear. Come, compose yourself; and you,
Toinette, listen to me. If ever you make my husband angry again, I
will send you away. Come, give me his fur cloak and some pillows, that
I may make him comfortable in his arm-chair. You are all anyhow. Pull
your night-cap right down over your ears; there is nothing that gives
people such bad colds as letting in the air through the ears.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah, deary! how much obliged I am to you for all the care you take
of me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
(<i>adjusting the pillows, which she puts round him</i>). Raise
yourself a little for me to put this under you. Let us put this one
for you to lean upon, and this one on the other side; this one behind
your back, and this other to support your head.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>clapping a pillow rudely on his head</i>). And this other to
keep you from the evening damp.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>rising angrily,
and throwing the pillows after</i> <span class="smallcaps">Toinette</span>,
w<i>ho runs away</i>). Ah, wretch! you want to smother me.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VIII.——ARGAN, BÉLINE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Now, now; what is it again?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>throwing himself in his chair</i>). Ah! I can hold out no
longer.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
But why do you fly into such a passion? she thought she was doing
right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You don't know, darling, the wickedness of that villainous
baggage. She has altogether upset me, and I shall want more than eight
different mixtures and twelve injections to remedy the evil.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Come, come, my dearie, compose yourself a little.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Lovey, you are my only consolation.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Poor little pet!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
To repay you for all the love you have for me, my darling, I
will, as I told you, make my will.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Ah, my soul! do not let us speak of that, I beseech you. I
cannot bear to think of it, and the very word "will" makes me die of
grief.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I had asked you to speak to our notary about it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
There he is, close at hand; I have brought him with me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Make him come in then, my life!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Alas! my darling, when a woman loves her husband so much, she
finds it almost impossible to think of these things.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE IX.——MR. DE BONNEFOI, BÉLINE, ARGAN.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Come here, Mr. de Bonnefoi, come here. Take a seat, if you
please. My wife tells me, Sir, that you are a very honest man, and
altogether one of her friends; I have therefore asked her to speak to
you about a will which I wish to make.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Alas! I cannot speak of those things.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bon</span>.
She has fully explained to me your intentions, Sir, and
what you mean to do for her. But I have to tell you that you can give
nothing to your wife by will.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. But why so?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bon</span>.
It is against custom. If you were in a district where
statute law prevailed, the thing could be done; but in Paris, and in
almost all places governed by custom, it cannot be done; and the will
would be held void. The only settlement that man and wife can make on
each other is by mutual donation while they are alive, and even then
there must be no children from either that marriage or from any
previous marriage at the decease of the first who dies.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
It's a very impertinent custom that a husband can leave nothing
to a wife whom he loves, by whom he is tenderly loved, and who takes
so much care of him. I should like to consult my own advocate to see
what I can do.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bon</span>.
It is not to an advocate that you must apply; for they are
very particular on this point and think it a great crime to bestow
one's property contrary to the law. They are people to make
difficulties, and are ignorant of the bylaws of conscience. There are
others whom you may consult with advantage on that point, and who have
expedients for gently overriding the law, and for rendering just that
which is not allowed. These know how to smooth over the difficulties
of an affair, and to find the means of eluding custom by some indirect
advantage. Without that, what would become of us every day? We must
make things easy; otherwise we should do nothing, and I wouldn't give
a penny for our business.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
My wife had rightly told me, Sir, that you were a very clever and
honest man. What can I do, pray, to give her my fortune and deprive my
children of it?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bon</span>.
What you can do? You can discreetly choose a friend of
your wife, to whom you will give all you own in due form by your will,
and that friend will give it up to her afterwards; or else you can
sign a great many safe bonds in favour of various creditors who will
lend their names to your wife, and in whose hands they will leave a
declaration that what was done was only to serve her. You can also in
your lifetime put in her hands ready money and bills which you can
make payable to bearer.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Alas! you must not trouble yourself about all that. If I lose
you, my child, I will stay no longer in the world.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My darling!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Yes, my pet, if I were unfortunate enough to lose you …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My dear wifey!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Life would be nothing to me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My love!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
And I would follow you to the grave, to show you all the
tenderness I feel for you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You will break my heart, deary; comfort yourself, I beseech you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bon</span>.
(<i>to</i> BÉLINE). These tears are unseasonable; things
have not come to that yet.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Ah, Sir! you don't know what it is to have a husband one loves
tenderly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
All the regret I shall have, if I die, my darling, will be to
have no child from you. Mr. Purgon told me he would make me have one.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bon</span>. That may come still.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I must make my will, deary, according to what this gentleman
advises; but, out of precaution, I will give you the twenty thousand
francs in gold which I have in the wainscoting of the recess of my
room, and two bills payable to bearer which are due to me, one from
Mr. Damon, the other from Mr. Géronte.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
No, no! I will have nothing to do with all that. Ah! How much do
you say there is in the recess?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Twenty thousand francs, darling.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Don't speak to me of your money, I beseech you. Ah! How much are
the two bills for?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
One, my love, is for four thousand francs, and the other for six
thousand.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
All the wealth in the world, my soul, is nothing to me compared
to you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. de Bon</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>).
Shall we draw up the will?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Yes, Sir. But we shall be more comfortable in my own little
study. Help me, my love.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Come, my poor, dear child.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE X.——ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
They are shut up with the notary, and I heard something about a
will; your mother-in-law doesn't go to sleep; it is, no doubt, some
conspiracy of hers against your interests to which she is urging your
father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Let him dispose of his money as he likes, as long as he does not
dispose of my heart in the same way. You see, Toinette, to what
violence it is subjected. Do not forsake me, I beseech you, in this my
extremity.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I forsake you! I had rather die. In vain does your stepmother try
to take me into her confidence, and make me espouse her interests. I
never could like her, and I have always been on your side. Trust me, I
will do every thing to serve you. But, in order to serve you more
effectually, I shall change my tactics, hide my wish to help you, and
affect to enter into the feelings of your father and your stepmother.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Try, I beseech you, to let Cléante know about the marriage they
have decided upon.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I have nobody to employ for that duty but the old usurer
Punchinello, my lover; it will cost me a few honeyed words, which I
am most willing to spend for you. To-day it is too late for that, but
to-morrow morning early I will send for him, and he will be delighted
to …</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XI.——BÉLINE (<i>in the house</i>), ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Toinette.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
I am called away. Good night. Trust me.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr class="narrow" />
<h3>FIRST INTERLUDE.</h3>
<hr class="narrow" />
<p> </p>
<h2>ACT II.</h2>
<h3>SCENE I.——CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>not recognising</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>).
What is it you want, Sir?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. What do I want?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Ah! ah! is it you? What a surprise! What are you coming here for?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
To learn my destiny, to speak to the lovely Angélique, to consult
the feelings of her heart, and to ask her what she means to do about
this fatal marriage of which I have been told.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Very well; but no one speaks so easily as all that to Angélique;
you must take precautions, and you have been told how narrowly she is
watched. She never goes out, nor does she see anybody. It was through
the curiosity of an old aunt that we obtained leave to go to the play
where your love began, and we have taken good care not to say anything
about it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
Therefore am I not here as Cléante, nor as her lover, but as the
friend of her music-master, from whom I have obtained leave to say
that I have come in his stead.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Here is her father; withdraw a little, and let me tell him who
you are.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE II.——ARGAN, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>thinking himself alone</i>). Mr. Purgon told me that I was to
walk twelve times to and fro in my room every morning, but I forgot to
ask him whether it should be lengthways or across.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Sir, here is a gentleman …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Speak in a lower tone, you jade; you split my head open; and you
forget that we should never speak so loud to sick people.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I wanted to tell you, Sir …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Speak low, I tell you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Sir … (<i>She moves her lips as if she were speaking.</i>)</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I tell you that … (<i>As before</i>.)</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What is it you say?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>aloud</i>). I say that there is a gentleman here who wants to
speak to you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Let him come in.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE III.——ARGAN, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. Sir.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>).
Do not speak so loud, for fear of splitting
open the head of Mr. Argan.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
Sir, I am delighted to find you up, and to see you better.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>affecting to be angry</i>).
How! better? It is false; master
is always ill.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
I had heard that your master was better, and I think that he
looks well in the face.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
What do you mean by his looking well in the face? He looks very
bad, and it is only impertinent folks who say that he is better; he
never was so ill in his life.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. She is right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
He walks, sleeps, eats, and drinks, like other folks, but that
does not hinder him from being very ill.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Quite true.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
I am heartily sorry for it, Sir. I am sent by your daughter's
music-master; he was obliged to go into the country for a few days,
and as I am his intimate friend, he has asked me to come here in his
place, to go on with the lessons, for fear that, if they were
discontinued, she should forget what she has already learnt.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Very well.
(To <span class="smallcaps">Toinette</span>) Call Angélique.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I think, Sir, It would be better to take the gentleman to her
room.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. No, make her come here.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
He cannot give her a good lesson if they are not left alone.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Oh! yes, he can.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Sir, it will stun you; and you should have nothing to disturb you
in the state of health you are in.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
No, no; I like music, and I should be glad to…. Ah! here she is.
(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Toinette</span>)
Go and see if my wife is dressed.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE IV.——ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Come, my daughter, your music-master is gone into the country,
and here is a person whom he sends instead, to give you your lesson.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
(<i>recognising</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>). O heavens!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What is the matter? Why this surprise?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. It is …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What can disturb you in that manner?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
It is such a strange coincidence.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. How so?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I dreamt last night that I was in the greatest trouble
imaginable, and that some one exactly like this gentleman came to me.
I asked him to help me, and presently he saved me from the great
trouble I was in. My surprise was very great to meet unexpectedly, on
my coming here, him of whom I had been dreaming all night.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
It is no small happiness to occupy your thoughts whether sleeping
or waking, and my delight would be great indeed if you were in any
trouble out of which you would think me worthy of delivering you.
There is nothing that I would not do for …</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE V.——ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>).
Indeed, Sir, I am of your opinion now, and I
unsay all that I said yesterday. Here are Mr. Diafoirus the father,
and Mr. Diafoirus the son, who are coming to visit you. How well
provided with a son-in-law you will be! You will see the best-made
young fellow in the world, and the most intellectual. He said but two
words to me, it is true, but I was struck with them, and your daughter
will be delighted with him.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>,
<i>who moves as if to go</i>). Do not go,
Sir. I am about, as you see, to marry my daughter, and they have just
brought her future husband, whom she has not as yet seen.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
You do me great honour, Sir, in wishing me to be witness of such
a pleasant interview.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
He is the son of a clever doctor, and the marriage will take
place in four days.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. Indeed!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Please inform her music-master of it, that he may be at the
wedding.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. I will not fail to do so.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And I invite you also.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. You do me too much honour.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Come, make room; here they are.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VI.——MR. DIAFOIRUS, THOMAS DIAFOIRUS, ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE, SERVANTS.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>putting up his hand to his night-cap without taking it
off</i>). Mr. Purgon has forbidden me to uncover my head. You belong
to the profession, and know what would be the consequence if I did so.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
We are bound in all our visits to bring relief to invalids,
and not to injure them.</p>
<p>(<span class="smallcaps">Mr. Argan</span>
<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Diafoirus</span>
<i>speak at the same time.</i>)</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I receive, Sir….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. We come here, Sir….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. With great joy….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. My son Thomas and myself….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. The honour you do me….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. To declare to you, Sir….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And I wish….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. The delight we are in….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I could have gone to your house….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. At the favour you do us….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. To assure you of it….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. In so kindly admitting us….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. But you know, Sir….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. To the honour, Sir….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What it is to be a poor invalid….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. Of your alliance….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Who can only….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. And assure you….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Tell you here….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
That in all that depends on our knowledge….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
That he will seize every opportunity….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
As well as in any other way….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. To show you, Sir….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
That we shall ever be ready, Sir….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
That he is entirely at your service….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
To show you our zeal. (<i>To his son</i>) Now, Thomas, come
forward, and pay your respects.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Diafoirus</span>).
Ought I not to begin with the
father?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. Yes.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>).
Sir, I come to salute, acknowledge,
cherish, and revere in you a second father; but a second father to
whom I owe more, I make bold to say, than to the first. The first gave
me birth; but you have chosen me. He received me by necessity, but you
have accepted me by choice. What I have from him is of the body,
corporal; what I hold from you is of the will, voluntary; and in so
much the more as the mental faculties are above the corporal, in so
much the more do I hold precious this future affiliation, for which I
come beforehand to-day to render you my most humble and most
respectful homage.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Long life to the colleges which send such clever people into the
world!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Diafoirus</span>).
Has this been said to your
satisfaction, father?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. <i>Optime</i>.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
Come, bow to this gentleman.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Diafoirus</span>).
Shall I kiss?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. Yes, yes.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
Madam, it is with justice that heaven
has given you the name of stepmother, since we see in you steps
towards the perfect beauty
which …<SPAN href="#fmi2"><span class="small"><sup>2</sup></span></SPAN></p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Thomas Diafoirus</span>).
It is not to my wife, but to my
daughter, that you are speaking.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>. Where is she?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. She will soon come.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
Shall I wait, father, till she comes?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
No; go through your compliments to the young lady in the
meantime.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
Madam, as the statue of Memnon gave forth a harmonious sound
when it was struck by the first rays of the sun, in like manner do I
experience a sweet rapture at the apparition of this sun of your
beauty. As the naturalists remark that the flower styled heliotrope
always turns towards the star of day, so will my heart for ever turn
towards the resplendent stars of your adorable eyes as to its only
pole. Suffer me, then, Madam, to make to-day on the altar of your
charms the offering of a heart which longs for and is ambitious of no
greater glory than to be till death, Madam, your most humble, most
obedient, most faithful servant and husband.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Ah! See what it is to study, and how one learns to say fine
things!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>).
Well! what do you say to that?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
The gentleman does wonders, and if he is as good a doctor as he
is an orator, it will be most pleasant to be one of his patients.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Certainly, it will be something admirable if his cures are as
wonderful as his speeches.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Now, quick, my chair; and seats for everybody. (<i>Servants bring
chairs.</i>) Sit down here, my daughter.
(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">M. Diafoirus</span>) You
see, Sir, that everybody admires your son; and I think you very
fortunate in being the father of such a fine young man.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
Sir, it is not because I am his father, but I can boast that
I have reason to be satisfied with him, and that all those who see him
speak of him as of a youth without guile. He has not a very lively
imagination, nor that sparkling wit which is found in some others; but
it is this which has always made me augur well of his judgment, a
quality required for the exercise of our art. As a child he never was
what is called sharp or lively. He was always gentle, peaceful,
taciturn, never saying a word, and never playing at any of those
little pastimes that we call children's games. It was found most
difficult to teach him to read, and he was nine years old before he
knew his letters. A good omen, I used to say to myself; trees slow of
growth bear the best fruit. We engrave on marble with much more
difficulty than on sand, but the result is more lasting; and that
dulness of apprehension, that heaviness of imagination, is a mark of a
sound judgment in the future. When I sent him to college, he found it
hard work, but he stuck to his duty, and bore up with obstinacy
against all difficulties. His tutors always praised him for his
assiduity and the trouble he took. In short, by dint of continual
hammering, he at last succeeded gloriously in obtaining his degree;
and I can say, without vanity, that from that time till now there has
been no candidate who has made more noise than he in all the
disputations of our school. There he has rendered himself formidable,
and no debate passes but he goes and argues loudly and to the last
extreme on the opposite side. He is firm in dispute, strong as a Turk
in his principles, never changes his opinion, and pursues an argument
to the last recesses of logic. But, above all things, what pleases me
in him, and what I am glad to see him follow my example in, is that he
is blindly attached to the opinions of the ancients, and that he would
never understand nor listen to the reasons and the experiences of the
pretended discoveries of our century concerning the circulation of the
blood and other opinions of the same stamp.<SPAN href="#fmi3">
<span class="small"><sup>3</sup></span></SPAN></p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
(<i>pulling out of his pocket a long paper rolled up, and
presenting it to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
I have upheld against these
circulators a thesis which, with the permission (<i>bowing to</i>
<span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>) of this gentleman,
I venture to present to the young lady as
the first-fruits of my genius.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Sir, it is a useless piece of furniture to me; I do not
understand these things.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>taking the paper</i>). Never mind; give it all the same; the
picture will be of use, and we will adorn our attic with it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
(<i>again bowing to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
With the permission of
this gentleman, I invite you to come one of these days to amuse
yourself by assisting at the dissection of a woman upon whose body I
am to give lectures.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
The treat will be most welcome. There are some who give the
pleasure of seeing a play to their lady-love; but a dissection is much
more gallant.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
Moreover, in respect to the qualities required for marriage,
I assure you that he is all you could wish, and that his children will
be strong and healthy.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Do you not intend, Sir, to push his way at court, and obtain for
him the post of physician there?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
To tell you the truth, I have never had any predilection to
practice with the great; it never seemed pleasant to me, and I have
found that it is better for us to confine ourselves to the ordinary
public. Ordinary people are more convenient; you are accountable to
nobody for your actions, and as long as you follow the common rules
laid down by the faculty, there is no necessity to trouble yourself
about the result. What is vexatious among people of rank is that, when
they are ill, they positively expect their doctor to cure them.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
How very absurd! How impertinent of them to ask of you doctors to
cure them! You are not placed near them for that, but only to receive
your fees and to prescribe remedies. It is their own look-out to get
well if they can.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
Quite so. We are only bound to treat people according to
form.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>).
Sir, please make my daughter sing before the
company.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
I was waiting for your commands, Sir; and I propose, in order to
amuse the company, to sing with the young lady an operetta which has
lately come out. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>,
<i>giving her a paper</i>) There is
your part.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Mine?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
(<i>aside to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
Don't refuse, pray; but let me
explain to you what is the scene we must sing. (<i>Aloud</i>) I have
no voice; but in this case it is sufficient if I make myself
understood; and you must have the goodness to excuse me, because I am
under the necessity of making the young lady sing.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Are the verses pretty?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
It is really nothing but a small extempore opera, and what you
will hear is only rhythmical prose or a kind of irregular verse, such
as passion and necessity make two people utter.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Very well; let us hear.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
The subject of the scene is as follows. A shepherd was paying
every attention to the beauties of a play, when he was disturbed by a
noise close to him, and on turning round he saw a scoundrel who, with
insolent language, was annoying a young shepherdess. He immediately
espoused the cause of a sex to which all men owe homage; and after
having chastised the brute for his insolence, he came near the
shepherdess to comfort her. He sees a young girl with the most
beautiful eyes he has ever beheld, who is shedding tears which he
thinks the most precious in the world. Alas! says he to himself, can
any one be capable of insulting such charms? Where is the unfeeling
wretch, the barbarous man to be found who will not feel touched by
such tears? He endeavours to stop those beautiful tears, and the
lovely shepherdess takes the opportunity of thanking him for the
slight service he has rendered her. But she does it in a manner so
touching, so tender, and so passionate that the shepherd cannot resist
it, and each word, each look is a burning shaft which penetrates his
heart. Is there anything in the world worthy of such thanks? and what
will not one do, what service and what danger will not one be
delighted to run to attract upon oneself even for a moment the
touching sweetness of so grateful a heart? The whole play was acted
without his paying any more attention to it; yet he complains that it
was too short, since the end separates him from his lovely
shepherdess. From that moment, from that first sight, he carries away
with him a love which has the strength of a passion of many years. He
now feels all the pangs of absence, and is tormented in no longer
seeing what he beheld for so short a time. He tries every means to
meet again with a sight so dear to him, and the remembrance of which
pursues him day and night. But the great watch which is kept over his
shepherdess deprives him of all the power of doing so. The violence of
his passion urges him to ask in marriage the adorable beauty without
whom he can no longer live, and he obtains from her the permission of
doing so, by means of a note that he has succeeded in sending to her.
But he is told in the meantime that the father of her whom he loves
has decided upon marrying her to another, and that everything is being
got ready to celebrate the wedding. Judge what a cruel wound for the
heart of that poor shepherd! Behold him suffering from this mortal
blow; he cannot bear the dreadful idea of seeing her he loves in the
arms of another; and in his despair he finds the means of introducing
himself into the house of his shepherdess, in order to learn her
feelings and to hear from her the fate he must expect. There he sees
everything ready for what he fears; he sees the unworthy rival whom
the caprice of a father opposes to the tenderness of his love; he sees
that ridiculous rival triumphant near the lovely shepherdess, as if
already assured of his conquest. Such a sight fills him with a wrath
he can hardly master. He looks despairingly at her whom he adores, but
the respect he has for her and the presence of her father prevent him
from speaking except with his eyes. At last he breaks through all
restraint, and the greatness of his love forces him to speak as
follows. (<i>He sings</i>.)</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>Phyllis, too sharp a pain you bid me bear;<br/>
Break this stern silence, tell me what to fear;<br/>
Disclose your thoughts, and bid them open lie<br/>
To tell me if I live or die.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>The marriage preparations sadden me.<br/>
O'erwhelmed with sorrow,<br/>
My eyes I lift to heaven; I strive to pray,<br/>
Then gaze on you and sigh. No more I say.<br/></p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>Tircis, who fain would woo,<br/>
Tell him, Phyllis, is it true,<br/>
Is he so blest by your sweet grace<br/>
As in your heart to find a place?</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p> I may not hide it, in this dire extreme,<br/>
Tircis, I own for you my love….</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>O blessed words! am I indeed so blest?<br/>
Repeat them, Phyllis; set my doubts at rest.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>I love you, Tircis!</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.</p>
<div class="ind8"><p>Ah! Phyllis, once again.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>I love you, Tircis!</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4"><p><span class="ind8">Alas! I fain</span><br/>
A hundred times would hearken to that strain.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4"><p> I love you! I love you!<br/>
Tircis, I love you!</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>Ye kings and gods who, from your eternal seat,<br/>
Behold the world of men beneath your feet,<br/>
Can you possess a happiness more sweet?<br/>
My Phyllis! one dark haunting fear<br/>
Our peaceful joy disturbs unsought;<br/>
A rival may my homage share.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>Ah! worse than death is such a thought!<br/>
Its presence equal torment is<br/>
To both, and mars my bliss.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>Your father to his vow would subject you.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.</p>
<div class="ind4">
<p>Ah! welcome death before I prove untrue.</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And what does the father say to all that?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. Nothing.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Then that father is a fool to put up with those silly things,
without saying a word!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. (<i>trying to go on singing</i>).</p>
<div class="ind4"> <p>Ah! my love….</p>
</div>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
No; no; that will do. An opera like that is in very bad taste.
The shepherd Tircis is an impertinent fellow, and the shepherdess
Phyllis an impudent girl to speak in that way in the presence of her
father. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>)
Show me that paper. Ah! ah! and where
are the words that you have just sung? This is only the music.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
Are you not aware, Sir, that the way of writing the words with
the notes themselves has been lately discovered?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Has it? Good-bye for the present. We could have done very well
without your impertinent opera.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>. I thought I should amuse you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Foolish things do not amuse, Sir. Ah! here is my wife.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VII.——BÉLINE, ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, MR. DIAFOIRUS, T. DIAFOIRUS, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
My love, here is the son of Mr. Diafoirus.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
Madam, it is with justice that heaven has given you the title
of stepmother, since we see in you steps …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Sir, I am delighted to have come here just in time to see you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
Since we see in you … since we see in you…. Madam, you have
interrupted me in the middle of my period, and have troubled my
memory.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. Keep it for another time.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I wish, my dear, that you had been here just now.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Ah! Madam, how much you have lost by not being at the second
father, the statue of Memnon, and the flower styled heliotrope.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Come, my daughter, shake hands with this gentleman, and pledge
him your troth.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Father!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Well? What do you mean by "Father"?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I beseech you not to be in such a hurry; give us time to become
acquainted with each other, and to see grow in us that sympathy so
necessary to a perfect union.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
As far as I am concerned, Madam, it is already full-grown
within me, and there is no occasion for me to wait.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I am not so quick as you are, Sir, and I must confess that your
merit has not yet made enough impression on my heart.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Oh! nonsense! There will be time enough for the impression to be
made after you are married.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Ah! my father, give me time, I beseech you! Marriage is a chain
which should never be imposed by force. And if this gentleman is a man
of honour, he ought not to accept a person who would be his only by
force.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
<i>Nego consequentiam.</i> I can be a man of honour, Madam,
and at the same time accept you from the hands of your father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
To do violence to any one is a strange way of setting about
inspiring love.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
We read in the ancients, Madam, that it was their custom to
carry off by main force from their father's house the maiden they
wished to marry, so that the latter might not seem to fly of her own
accord into the arms of a man.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
The ancients, Sir, are the ancients; but we are the moderns.
Pretences are not necessary in our age; and when a marriage pleases
us, we know very well how to go to it without being dragged by force.
Have a little patience; if you love me, Sir, you ought to do what I
wish.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
Certainly, Madam, but without prejudice to the interest of my
love.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
But the greatest mark of love is to submit to the will of her who
is loved.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
<i>Distinguo</i>, Madam. In what does not regard the
possession of her, <i>concedo</i>; but in what regards it,
<i>nego</i>.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(to <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
It is in vain for you to argue. This gentleman is
bran new from college, and will be more than a match for you. Why
resist, and refuse the glory of belonging to the faculty?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
She may have some other inclination in her head.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
If I had, Madam, it would be such as reason and honour allow.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Heyday! I am acting a pleasant part here!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
If I were you, my child, I would not force her to marry; I know
very well what I should do.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I know what you mean, Madam, and how kind you are to me; but it
may be hoped that your advice may not be fortunate enough to be
followed.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
That is because well-brought-up and good children, like you,
scorn to be obedient to the will of their fathers. Obedience was all
very well in former times.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
The duty of a daughter has its limits, Madam, and neither reason
nor law extend it to all things.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Which means that your thoughts are all in favour of marriage, but
that you will choose a husband for yourself.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
If my father will not give me a husband I like, at least I
beseech him not to force me to marry one I can never love.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Gentlemen, I beg your pardon for all this.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
We all have our own end in marrying. For my part, as I only want
a husband that I can love sincerely, and as I intend to consecrate my
whole life to him, I feel bound, I confess, to be cautious. There are
some who marry simply to free themselves from the yoke of their
parents, and to be at liberty to do all they like. There are others,
Madam, who see in marriage only a matter of mere interest; who marry
only to get a settlement, and to enrich themselves by the death of
those they marry. They pass without scruple from husband to husband,
with an eye to their possessions. These, no doubt, Madam, are not so
difficult to satisfy, and care little what the husband is like.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
You are very full of reasoning to-day. I wonder what you mean by
this.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
I, Madam? What can I mean but what I say?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
You are such a simpleton, my dear, that one can hardly bear with
you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
You would like to extract from me some rude answer; but I warn
you that you will not have the pleasure of doing so.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Nothing can equal your impertinence.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
It is of no use, Madam; you will not.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
And you have a ridiculous pride, an impertinent presumption,
which makes you the scorn of everybody.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
All this will be useless, Madam. I shall be quiet in spite of
you; and to take away from you all hope of succeeding in what you
wish, I will withdraw from your presence.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VIII.——ARGAN, BÉLINE, MR. DIAFOIRUS, T. DIAFOIRUS, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>,
<i>as she goes away</i>). Listen to me! Of
two things, one. Either you will marry this gentleman or you will go
into a convent. I give you four days to consider.
(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béline</span>)
Don't be anxious; I will bring her to reason.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
I am sorry to leave you, my child; but I have some important
business which calls me to town. I shall soon be back.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Go, my darling; call upon the notary, and tell him to be quick
about you know what.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Good-bye, my child.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Good-bye, deary.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE IX.——ARGAN, MR. DIAFOIRUS, T. DIAFOIRUS, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
How much this woman loves me; it is perfectly incredible.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
We shall now take our leave of you, Sir.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I beg of you, Sir, to tell me how I am.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
(<i>feeling</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan's</span> <i>pulse</i>). Now, Thomas, take the
other arm of the gentleman, so that I may see whether you can form a
right judgment on his pulse. <i>Quid dicis?</i></p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
<i>Dico</i> that the pulse of this gentleman is the pulse of a
man who is not well.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. Good.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
That it is <i>duriusculus</i>, not to say <i>durus</i>.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. Very well.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>. Irregular.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. <i>Bene.</i></p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
And even a little caprizant.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. <i>Optime.</i></p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">T. Dia</span>.
Which speaks of an intemperance in the splenetic
<i>parenchyma</i>; that is to say, the spleen.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>. Quite right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
It cannot be, for Mr. Purgon says that it is my liver which is
out of order.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
Certainly; he who says <i>parenchyma</i> says both one and
the other, because of the great sympathy which exists between them
through the means of the <i>vas breve</i>, of the <i>pylorus</i>, and
often of the <i>meatus choledici</i>. He no doubt orders you to eat
plenty of roast-meat.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. No; nothing but boiled meat.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
Yes, yes; roast or boiled, it is all the same; he orders very
wisely, and you could not have fallen into better hands.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Sir, tell me how many grains of salt I ought to put to an egg?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Dia</span>.
Six, eight, ten, by even numbers; just as in medicines by odd
numbers.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Good-bye, Sir; I hope soon to have the pleasure of seeing you
again.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE X.——BÉLINE, ARGAN.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Before I go out, I must inform you of one thing you must be
careful about. While passing before Angélique's door, I saw with her a
young man, who ran away as soon as he noticed me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. A young man with my daughter!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Yes; your little girl Louison, who was with them, will tell you
all about it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Send her here, my love, send her here at once. Ah! the brazen-faced
girl! (<i>Alone</i>.) I no longer wonder at the resistance she showed.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XI.——ARGAN, LOUISON.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
What do you want, papa? My step-mamma told me to come to you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Yes; come here. Come nearer. Turn round, and hold up your head.
Look straight at me. Well?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. What, papa?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. So?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. What?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Have you nothing to say to me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
Yes. I will, to amuse you, tell you, if you like, the story of
the Ass's Skin or the fable of the Fox and the Crow, which I have
learnt lately.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. That is not what I want of you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. What is it then?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah! cunning little girl, you know very well what I mean.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. No indeed, papa.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Is that the way you obey me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. What, papa?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Have I not asked you to tell me at once all you see?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Yes, papa.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Have you done so?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
Yes, papa. I always come and tell you all I see.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And have you seen nothing to-day?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. No, papa.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. No?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. No, papa.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Quite sure?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Quite sure.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah! indeed! I will make you see something soon.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
(<i>seeing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span> <i>take a rod</i>).
Ah! papa!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah! ah! false little girl; you do not tell me that you saw a man
in your sister's room!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. (<i>crying</i>). Papa!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>taking</i> <span class="smallcaps">Louison</span> <i>by the arm</i>).
This will teach you to
tell falsehoods.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
(<i>throwing herself on her knees</i>). Ah! my dear papa! pray
forgive me. My sister had asked me not to say anything to you, but I
will tell you everything.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
First you must have a flogging for having told an untruth, then
we will see to the rest.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Forgive me, papa, forgive me!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. No, no!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. My dear papa, don't whip me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Yes, you shall be whipped.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. For pity's sake! don't whip me, papa.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>going to whip her</i>). Come, come.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
Ah! papa, you have hurt me; I am dead! (<i>She feigns to be
dead.</i>)</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
How, now! What does this mean? Louison! Louison! Ah! heaven!
Louison! My child! Ah! wretched father! My poor child is dead! What
have I done? Ah! villainous rod! A curse on the rod! Ah! my poor
child! My dear little Louison!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
Come, come, dear papa; don't weep so. I am not quite dead yet.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Just see the cunning little wench. Well! I forgive you this once,
but you must tell me everything.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Oh yes, dear papa.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Be sure you take great care, for here is my little finger that
knows everything, and it will tell me if you don't speak the truth.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
But, papa, you won't tell sister that I told you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. No, no.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
(<i>after having listened to see if any one can hear</i>). Papa,
a young man came into sister's room while I was there.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Well?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
I asked him what he wanted; he said that he was her music-master.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>aside</i>).
Hm! hm! I see. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Louison</span>) Well?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Then sister came.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Well?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
She said to him, "Go away, go away, go. Good heavens! you will
drive me to despair."</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Well?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. But he would not go away.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What did he say to her?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Oh! ever so many things.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. But what?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
He told her this, and that, and the other; that he loved her
dearly; that she was the most beautiful person in the world.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And then, after?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Then he knelt down before her.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And then?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. Then he kept on kissing her hands.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. And then?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
Then my mamma came to the door, and, he escaped.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Nothing else?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>. No, dear papa.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Here is my little finger, which says something though.
(<i>Putting his finger up to his ear.</i>) Wait. Stay, eh? ah! ah!
Yes? oh! oh! here is my little finger, which says that there is
something you saw, and which you do not tell me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
Ah! papa, your little finger is a story-teller.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Take care.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Lou</span>.
No, don't believe him; he tells a story, I assure you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Oh! Well, well; we will see to that. Go away now, and pay great
attention to what you see. (<i>Alone.</i>) Ah! children are no longer
children nowadays! What trouble! I have not even enough leisure to
attend to my illness. I am quite done up. (<i>He falls down into his
chair.</i>)</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XII.——BÉRALDE, ARGAN.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Well, brother! What is the matter? How are you?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ah! very bad, brother; very bad.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. How is that?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
No one would believe how very feeble I am.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. That's a sad thing, indeed.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I have hardly enough strength to speak.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
I came here, brother, to propose a match for my niece, Angélique.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>in a rage, speaking with great fury, and starting up from his
chair</i>). Brother, don't speak to me of that wicked, good-for-nothing,
insolent, brazen-faced girl. I will put her in a convent before two days
are over.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Ah! all right! I am glad to see that you have a little strength
still left, and that my visit does you good. Well, well, we will talk
of business by-and-by. I have brought you an entertainment, which will
dissipate your melancholy, and will dispose you better for what we
have to talk about. They are gipsies dressed in Moorish clothes. They
perform some dances mixed with songs, which, I am sure, you will like,
and which will be as good as a prescription from Mr. Purgon. Come
along.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr class="narrow" />
<h3>SECOND INTERLUDE.</h3>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">Men</span>
<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Women</span> (<i>dressed as Moors</i>).</p>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">First Moorish Woman</span>.</p>
<div class="poem">
<p>When blooms the spring of life,<br/>
The golden harvest reap.<br/>
Waste not your years in bootless strife,<br/>
Till age upon your bodies creep.<br/>
But now, when shines the kindly light,<br/>
Give up your soul to love's delight.</p>
</div>
<div class="poem">
<p>No touch of sweetest joy<br/>
This longing heart can know,<br/>
No bliss without alloy<br/>
When love does silent show.</p>
</div>
<div class="poem">
<p> Then up, ye lads and lasses gay!<br/>
The spring of life is fair;<br/>
Cloud not these hours with care,<br/>
For love must win the day.</p>
</div>
<div class="poem">
<p>Beauty fades,<br/>
Years roll by,<br/>
Lowering shades<br/>
Obscure the sky.<br/>
And joys so sweet of yore<br/>
Shall charm us then no more.</p>
</div>
<div class="poem">
<p>Then up, ye lads and lasses gay!<br/>
The spring of life is fair;<br/>
Cloud not these hours with care,<br/>
For love must win the day.</p>
</div>
<p class="center"><i>First Entry of the</i> Ballet.</p>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">2nd Moorish Woman</span>.</p>
<div class="poem">
<p>They bid us love, they bid us woo,<br/>
Why seek delay?<br/>
To tender sighs and kisses too<br/>
In youth's fair day,<br/>
Our hearts are but too true.</p>
</div>
<div class="poem">
<p>The sweetest charms has Cupid's spell.<br/>
No sooner felt, the ready heart<br/>
His conquered self would yield him well<br/>
Ere yet the god had winged his dart.<br/>
But yet the tale we often hear<br/>
Of tears and sorrows keen,<br/>
To share in them, I ween,<br/>
Though sweet, would make us fear!</p>
</div>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">3rd Moorish Woman</span>.</p>
<div class="poem">
<p>To love a lover true,<br/>
In youth's kind day, I trow,<br/>
Is pleasant task enow;<br/>
But think how we must rue<br/>
If he inconstant show!</p>
</div>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">4th Moorish Woman</span>.</p>
<div class="poem">
<p>The loss of lover false to me<br/>
But trifling grief would be,<br/>
Yet this is far the keenest smart<br/>
That he had stol'n away our heart.</p>
</div>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">2nd Moorish Woman</span>.</p>
<div class="poem">
<p>What then shall we do<br/>
Whose hearts are so young?</p>
</div>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">4th Moorish Woman</span>.</p>
<div class="poem">
<p>Though cruel his laws,<br/>
Attended by woes,<br/>
Away with your arms,<br/>
Submit to his charms!</p>
</div>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">Together</span>.</p>
<div class="poem">
<p>His whims ye must follow,<br/>
His transports though fleet,<br/>
His pinings too sweet<br/>
Though often comes sorrow,<br/>
The thousand delights<br/>
The wounds of his darts<br/>
Still charm all the hearts.</p>
</div>
<hr class="narrow" />
<p> </p>
<h2>ACT III.</h2>
<h3>SCENE I.——BÉRALDE, ARGAN, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Well, brother, what do you say to that? Isn't it as good as a
dose of cassia?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Oh! good cassia is a very good thing, Sir.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Now, shall we have a little chat together.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Wait a moment, brother, I'll be back directly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Here, Sir; you forget that you cannot get about without a stick.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ay, to be sure.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE II.——BÉRALDE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Pray, do not give up the interest of your niece.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
No, I shall do all in my power to forward her wishes.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
We must prevent this foolish marriage which he has got into his
head, from taking place. And I thought to myself that it would be a
good thing to introduce a doctor here, having a full understanding of
our wishes, to disgust him with his Mr. Purgon, and abuse his mode of
treating him. But as we have nobody to act that part for us, I have
decided upon playing him a trick of my own.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. In what way?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
It is rather an absurd idea, and it may be more fortunate than
good. But act your own part. Here is our man.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE III.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Let me ask you, brother, above all things not to excite yourself
during our conversation.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I agree.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
To answer without anger to anything I may mention.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Very well.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
And to reason together upon the business I want to discuss with
you without any irritation.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Dear me! Yes. What a preamble!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
How is it, brother, that, with all the wealth you possess, and
with only one daughter—for I do not count the little one—you speak
of sending her to a convent?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
How is it, brother, that I am master of my family, and that I can
do all I think fit?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Your wife doesn't fail to advise you to get rid, in that way, of
your two daughters; and I have no doubt that, through a spirit of
charity, she would be charmed to see them both good nuns.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Oh, I see! My poor wife again! It is she who does all the harm,
and everybody is against her.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
No, brother; let us leave that alone. She is a woman with the
best intentions in the world for the good of your family, and is free
from all interested motives. She expresses for you the most
extraordinary tenderness, and shows towards your children an
inconceivable goodness. No, don't let us speak of her, but only of
your daughter. What can be your reason for wishing to give her in
marriage to the sort of a doctor?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
My reason is that I wish to have a son-in-law who will suit my
wants.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
But it is not what your daughter requires, and we have a more
suitable match for her.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Yes; but this one is more suitable for me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
But does she marry a husband for herself or for you, brother?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
He must do both for her and for me, brother; and I wish to take
into my family people of whom I have need.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
So that, if your little girl were old enough, you would give her
to an apothecary?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Why not?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Is it possible that you should always be so infatuated with your
apothecaries and doctors, and be so determined to be ill, in spite of
men and nature?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What do you mean by that, brother?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
I mean, brother, that I know of no man less sick than you, and
that I should be quite satisfied with a constitution no worse than
yours. One great proof that you are well, and that you have a body
perfectly well made, is that with all the pains you have taken, you
have failed as yet in injuring the soundness of your constitution, and
that you have not died of all the medicine they have made you swallow.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
But are you aware, brother, that it is these medicines which keep
me in good health? Mr. Purgon says that I should go off if he were but
three days without taking care of me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
If you are not careful, he will take such care of you that he
will soon send you into the next world.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
But let us reason together, brother; don't you believe at all in
medicine?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
No, brother; and I do not see that it is necessary for our
salvation to believe in it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What! Do you not hold true a thing acknowledged by everybody, and
revered throughout all ages?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Between ourselves, far from thinking it true, I look upon it as
one of the greatest follies which exist among men; and to consider
things from a philosophical point of view, I don't know of a more
absurd piece of mummery, of anything more ridiculous, than a man who
takes upon himself to cure another man.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Why will you not believe that a man can cure another?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
For the simple reason, brother, that the springs of our machines
are mysteries about which men are as yet completely in the dark, and
nature has put too thick a veil before our eyes for us to know
anything about it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Then, according to you, the doctors know nothing at all.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Oh yes, brother. Most of them have some knowledge of the best
classics, can talk fine Latin, can give a Greek name to every disease,
can define and distinguish them; but as to curing these diseases,
that's out of the question.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Still, you must agree to this, that doctors know more than
others.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
They know, brother, what I have told you; and that does not
effect many cures. All the excellency of their art consists in pompous
gibberish, in a specious babbling, which gives you words instead of
reasons, and promises instead Of results.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Still, brother, there exist men as wise and clever as you, and we
see that in cases of illness every one has recourse to the doctor.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
It is a proof of human weakness, and not of the truth of their
art.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Still, doctors must believe in their art, since they make use of
it for themselves.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
It is because some of them share the popular error by which they
themselves profit, while others profit by it without sharing it. Your
Mr. Purgon has no wish to deceive; he is a thorough doctor from head
to foot, a man who believes in his rules more than in all the
demonstrations of mathematics, and who would think it a crime to
question them. He sees nothing obscure in physic, nothing doubtful,
nothing difficult, and through an impetuous prepossession, an
obstinate confidence, a coarse common sense and reason, orders right
and left purgatives and bleedings, and hesitates at nothing. We must
bear him no ill-will for the harm he does us; it is with the best
intentions in the world that he will send you into the next world, and
in killing you he will do no more than he has done to his wife and
children, and than he would do to himself, if need be.
<SPAN href="#fmi4"><span class="small"><sup>4</sup></span></SPAN></p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
It is because you have a spite against him. But let us come to
the point. What is to be done when one is ill?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. Nothing, brother.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Nothing?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Nothing. Only rest. Nature, when we leave her free, will herself
gently recover from the disorder into which she has fallen. It is our
anxiety, our impatience, which does the mischief, and most men die of
their remedies, and not of their diseases.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Still you must acknowledge, brother, that we can in certain
things help nature.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Alas! brother; these are pure fancies, with which we deceive
ourselves. At all times, there have crept among men brilliant fancies
in which we believe, because they flatter us, and because it would be
well if they were true. When a doctor speaks to us of assisting,
succouring nature, of removing what is injurious to it, of giving it
what it is defective in, of restoring it, and giving back to it the
full exercise of its functions, when he speaks of purifying the blood,
of refreshing the bowels and the brain, of correcting the spleen, of
rebuilding the lungs, of renovating the liver, of fortifying the
heart, of re-establishing and keeping up the natural heat, and of
possessing secrets wherewith to lengthen life of many years—he
repeats to you the romance of physic. But when you test the truth of
what he has promised to you, you find that it all ends in nothing; it
is like those beautiful dreams which only leave you in the morning the
regret of having believed in them.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Which means that all the knowledge of the world is contained in
your brain, and that you think you know more than all the great
doctors of our age put together.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
When you weigh words and actions, your great doctors are two
different kinds of people. Listen to their talk, they are the
cleverest people in the world; see them at work, and they are the most
ignorant.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Heyday! You are a great doctor, I see, and I wish that some one
of those gentlemen were here to take up your arguments and to check
your babble.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
I do not take upon myself, brother, to fight against physic; and
every one at their own risk and peril may believe what he likes. What
I say is only between ourselves; and I should have liked, in order to
deliver you from the error into which you have fallen, and in order to
amuse you, to take you to see some of Molière's comedies on this
subject.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Your Molière is a fine impertinent fellow with his comedies! I
think it mightily pleasant of him to go and take off honest people
like the doctors.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
It is not the doctors themselves that he takes off, but the
absurdity of medicine.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
It becomes him well, truly, to control the faculty! He's a nice
simpleton, and a nice impertinent fellow to laugh at consultations and
prescriptions, to attack the body of physicians, and to bring on his
stage such venerable people as those gentlemen.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
What would you have him bring there but the different professions
of men? Princes and kings are brought there every day, and they are of
as good a stock as your physicians.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
No, by all the devils! if I were a physician, I would be revenged
of his impertinence, and when he falls ill, I would let him die
without relief. In vain would he beg and pray. I would not prescribe
for him the least little bleeding, the least little injection, and I
would tell him, "Die, die, like a dog; it will teach you to laugh at
us doctors."</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
You are terribly angry with him.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Yes, he is an ill-advised fellow, and if the doctors are wise,
they will do what I say.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
He will be wiser than the doctors, for he will not go and ask
their help.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
So much the worse for him, if he has not recourse to their
remedies.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
He has his reasons for not wishing to have anything to do with
them; he is certain that only strong and robust constitutions can bear
their remedies in addition to the illness, and he has only just enough
strength for his sickness.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What absurd reasons. Here, brother, don't speak to me anymore
about that man; for it makes me savage, and you will give me his
complaint.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
I will willingly cease, brother; and, to change the subject,
allow me to tell you that, because your daughter shows a slight
repugnance to the match you propose, it is no reason why you should
shut her up in a convent. In your choice of a son-in-law you should
not blindly follow the anger which masters you. We should in such a
matter yield a little to the inclinations of a daughter, since it is
for all her life, and the whole happiness of her married life depends
on it.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE IV.——MR. FLEURANT, ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah! brother, with your leave.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Eh? What are you going to do?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
To take this little clyster; it will soon be done.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Are you joking? Can you not spend one moment without clysters or
physic? Put it off to another time, and be quiet.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Mr. Fleurant, let it be for to-night or to-morrow morning.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Fleu</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>).
What right have you to interfere? How dare you
oppose yourself to the prescription of the doctors, and prevent the
gentleman from taking my clyster? You are a nice fellow to show such
boldness.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Go, Sir, go; it is easy to see that you are not accustomed to
speak face to face with men.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Fleu</span>.
You ought not thus to sneer at physic, and make me lose my
precious time. I came here for a good prescription, and I will go and
tell Mr. Purgon that I have been prevented from executing his orders,
and that I have been stopped in the performance of my duty. You'll
see, you'll see….</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE V.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Brother, you'll be the cause that some misfortune will happen
here.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
What a misfortune not to take a clyster prescribed by Mr. Purgon!
Once more, brother, is it possible that you can't be cured of this
doctor disease, and that you will thus bring yourself under their
remedies?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah! brother. You speak like a man who is quite well, but if you
were in my place, you would soon change your way of speaking. It is
easy to speak against medicine when one is in perfect health.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
But what disease do you suffer from?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You will drive me to desperation. I should like you to have my
disease, and then we should see if you would prate as you do. Ah! here
is Mr. Purgon.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VI.——MR. PURGON, ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
I have just heard nice news downstairs! You laugh at my
prescriptions, and refuse to take the remedy which I ordered.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Sir, it is not …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
What daring boldness, what a strange revolt of a patient
against his doctor!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
It is frightful.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
A clyster which I have had the pleasure of composing myself.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. It was not I….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
Invented and made up according to all the rules of art.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. He was wrong.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
And which was to work a marvellous effect on the intestines.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My brother …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
To send it back with contempt!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>showing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>).
It was he….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
Such conduct is monstrous.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. So it is.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
It is a fearful outrage against medicine.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>showing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>).
He is the cause….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
A crime of high-treason against the faculty, and one which
cannot be too severely punished.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. You are quite right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
I declare to you that I break off all intercourse with you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. It is my brother….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
That I will have no more connection with you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. You will do quite right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
And to end all association with you, here is the deed of gift
which I made to my nephew in favour of the marriage. (<i>He tears the
document, and throws the pieces about furiously.</i>)</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
It is my brother who has done all the mischief.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>. To despise my clyster!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Let it be brought, I will take it directly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
I would have cured you in a very short time.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. He doesn't deserve it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
I was about to cleanse your body, and to clear it of its bad
humours.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ah! my brother!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
And it wanted only a dozen purgatives to cleanse it entirely.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. He is unworthy of your care.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
But since you would not be cured by me …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. It was not my fault.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
Since you have forsaken the obedience you owe to your
doctor …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. It cries for vengeance.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
Since you have declared yourself a rebel against the remedies
I had prescribed for you …</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. No, no, certainly not.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
I must now tell you that I give you up to your bad
constitution, to the imtemperament of your intestines, to the
corruption of your blood, to the acrimony of your bile, and to the
feculence of your humours.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. It serves you right.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Alas!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
And I will have you before four days in an incurable state.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ah! mercy on me!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
You shall fall into bradypepsia.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
From bradypepsia into dyspepsia.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>. From dyspepsia into apepsy.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>. From apepsy into lientery.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>. From lientery into dysentery.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>. From dysentery into dropsy.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Mr. Pur</span>.
And from dropsy to the deprivation of life into which your
folly will bring you.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VII.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah heaven! I am dead. Brother, you have undone me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. Why? What is the matter?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I am undone. I feel already that the faculty is avenging itself.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Really, brother, you are crazy, and I would not for a great deal
that you should be seen acting as you are doing. Shake yourself a
little, I beg, recover yourself, and do not give way so much to your
imagination.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You hear, brother, with what strange diseases he has threatened
me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. What a foolish fellow you are!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
He says that I shall become incurable within four days.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
And what does it signify what he says? Is it an oracle that has
spoken? To hear you, anyone would think that Mr. Purgon holds in his
hands the thread of your life, and that he has supreme authority to
prolong it or to cut it short at his will. Remember that the springs
of your life are in yourself, and that all the wrath of Mr. Purgon can
do as little towards making you die, as his remedies can do to make
you live. This is an opportunity, if you like to take it, of getting
rid of your doctors; and if you are so constituted that you cannot do
without them, it is easy for you, brother, to have another with whom
you run less risk.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah, brother! he knows all about my constitution, and the way to
treat me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
I must acknowledge that you are greatly infatuated, and that you
look at things with strange eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE VIII.——ARGAN, TOINETTE, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>).
There is a doctor, here, Sir, who desires to
see you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What doctor?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. A doctor of medicine.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I ask you who he is?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I don't know who he is, but he is as much like me as two peas,
and if I was not sure that my mother was an honest woman, I should say
that this is a little brother she has given me since my father's
death.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE IX.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
You are served according to your wish. One doctor leaves you,
another comes to replace him.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I greatly fear that you will cause some misfortune.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Oh! You are harping upon that string again?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Ah! I have on my mind all those diseases that I don't understand,
those….</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE X.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE (<i>dressed as a doctor</i>).</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Allow me, Sir, to come and pay my respects to you, and to offer
you my small services for all the bleedings and purging you may
require.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I am much obliged to you, Sir.
(<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>) Toinette
herself, I declare!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I beg you will excuse me one moment, Sir. I forgot to give a
small order to my servant.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XI.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Would you not say that this is really Toinette?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
It is true that the resemblance is very striking. But it is not
the first time that we have seen this kind of thing, and history is
full of those freaks of nature.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
For my part, I am astonished, and …</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XII.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. What do you want, Sir?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Did you not call me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I? No.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. My ears must have tingled then.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Just stop here one moment and see how much that doctor is like
you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Ah! yes, indeed, I have plenty of time to waste! Besides, I have
seen enough of him already.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XIII.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Had I not seen them both together, I should have believed it was
one and the same person.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
I have read wonderful stories about such resemblances; and we
have seen some in our day that have taken in everybody.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
For my part, I should have been deceived this time, and sworn
that the two were but one.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XIV.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE (<i>as a doctor</i>).</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Sir, I beg your pardon with all my heart.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>).
It is wonderful.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
You will not take amiss, I hope, the curiosity I feel to see such
an illustrious patient; and your reputation, which reaches the
farthest ends of the world, must be my excuse for the liberty I am
taking.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Sir, I am your servant.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I see, Sir, that you are looking earnestly at me. What age do you
think I am?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I should think twenty-six or twenty-seven at the utmost.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Ah! ah! ah! ah! ah! I am ninety years old.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Ninety years old!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Yes; this is what the secrets of my art have done for me to
preserve me fresh and vigorous as you see.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Upon my word, a fine youthful old fellow of ninety!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
I am an itinerant doctor, and go from town to town, from province
to province, from kingdom to kingdom, to seek out illustrious material
for my abilities; to find patients worthy of my attention, capable of
exercising the great and noble secrets which I have discovered in
medicine. I disdain to amuse myself with the small rubbish of common
diseases, with the trifles of rheumatism, coughs, fevers, vapours,
and headaches. I require diseases of importance, such as good
non-intermittent fevers with delirium, good scarlet-fevers, good plagues,
good confirmed dropsies, good pleurisies with inflammations of the
lungs. These are what I like, what I triumph in, and I wish, Sir, that
you had all those diseases combined, that you had been given up,
despaired of by all the doctors, and at the point of death, so that I
might have the pleasure of showing you the excellency of my remedies,
and the desire I have of doing you service!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I am greatly obliged to you, Sir, for the kind intentions you
have towards me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Let me feel your pulse. Come, come, beat properly, please. Ah! I
will soon make you beat as you should. This pulse is trifling with me;
I see that it does not know me yet. Who is your doctor?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Mr. Purgon.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
That man is not noted in my books among the great doctors. What
does he say you are ill of?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
He says it is the liver, and others say it is the spleen.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
They are a pack of ignorant blockheads; you are suffering from
the lungs.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. The lungs?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Yes; what do you feel?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
From time to time great pains in my head.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Just so; the lungs.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
At times it seems as if I had a mist before my eyes.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. The lungs.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. I feel sick now and then.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. The lungs.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And I feel sometimes a weariness in all my limbs.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. The lungs.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And sometimes I have sharp pains in the stomach, as if I had the
colic.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
The lungs. Do you eat your food with appetite?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Yes, Sir.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
The lungs. Do you like to drink a little wine?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Yes, Sir.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
The lungs. You feel sleepy after your meals, and willingly enjoy
a nap?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Yes, Sir.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
The lungs, the lungs, I tell you. What does your doctor order you
for food?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. He orders me soup.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ignoramus!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Fowl.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ignoramus!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Veal.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ignoramus!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Broth.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ignoramus!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. New-laid eggs.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ignoramus!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And at night a few prunes to relax the bowels.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ignoramus!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And, above all, to drink my wine well diluted with water.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
<i>Ignorantus, ignoranta, ignorantum.</i> You must drink your
wine pure; and to thicken your blood, which is too thin, you must eat
good fat beef, good fat pork, good Dutch cheese, some gruel, rice
puddings, chestnuts, and thin
cakes,<SPAN href="#fmi5"><span class="small"><sup>5</sup></span></SPAN>
to make all adhere and conglutinate. Your doctor
is an ass. I will send you one of my own school, and will come and
examine you from time to time during my stay in this town.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. You will oblige me greatly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
What the deuce do you want with this arm?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
If I were you, I should have it cut off on the spot.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Why?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Don't you see that it attracts all the nourishment to itself, and
hinders this side from growing?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
May be; but I have need of my arm.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
You have also a right eye that I would have plucked out if I were
in your place.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. My right eye plucked out?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Don't you see that it interferes with the other, and robs it of
its nourishment? Believe me; have it plucked out as soon as possible;
you will see all the clearer with the left eye.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. There is no need to hurry.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Good-bye. I am sorry to leave you so soon, but I must assist at a
grand consultation which is to take place about a man who died
yesterday.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. About a man who died yesterday?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Yes, that we may consider and see what ought to have been done to
cure him. Good-bye.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
You know that patients do not use ceremony.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XV.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Upon my word, this doctor seems to be a very clever man.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Yes, but he goes a little too fast.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. All great doctors do so.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Cut off my arm and pluck out my eye, so that the other may be
better. I had rather that it were not better. A nice operation indeed,
to make me at once one-eyed and one-armed.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XVI.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>pretending to speak to somebody</i>). Come, come, I am your
servant; I'm in no joking humour.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. What is the matter?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Your doctor, forsooth, who wanted to feel my pulse!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Just imagine; and that, too, at fourscore and ten years of age.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Now, I say, brother, since you have quarrelled with Mr. Purgon,
won't you give me leave to speak of the match which is proposed for my
niece?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
No, brother; I will put her in a convent, since she has rebelled
against me. I see plainly that there is some love business at the
bottom of it all, and I have discovered a certain secret interview
which they don't suspect me to know anything about.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Well, brother, and suppose there were some little inclination,
where could the harm be? Would it be so criminal when it all tends to
what is honourable—marriage?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Be that as it may, she will be a nun. I have made up my mind.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
You intend to please somebody by so doing.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I understand what you mean. You always come back to that, and my
wife is very much in your way.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Well, yes, brother; since I must speak out, it is your wife I
mean; for I can no more bear with your infatuation about doctors than
with your infatuation about your wife, and see you run headlong into
every snare she lays for you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Ah! Sir, don't talk so of mistress. She is a person against whom
there is nothing to be said; a woman without deceit, and who loves
master ah! who loves him…. I can't express how much.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>).
Just ask her all the caresses she lavishes
for me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Yes, indeed!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And all the uneasiness my sickness causes her.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Certainly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
And the care and trouble she takes about me.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Quite right. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>)
Will you let me convince you;
and to show you at once how my mistress loves my master. (<i>To</i>
<span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>)
Sir, allow me to undeceive him, and to show him his
mistake.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. How?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
My mistress will soon come back. Stretch yourself full-length in
this arm-chair, and pretend to be dead. You will see what grief she
will be in when I tell her the news.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Very well, I consent.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Yes; but don't leave her too long in despair, for she might die
of it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Trust me for that.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béralde</span>).
Hide yourself in that corner.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XVII.——ARGAN, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Is there no danger in counterfeiting death?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
No, no. What danger can there be? Only stretch yourself there. It
will be so pleasant to put your brother to confusion. Here is my
mistress. Mind you keep still.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XVIII.——BÉLINE, ARGAN (<i>stretched out in his chair</i>), TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
(<i>pretending not to see</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béline</span>).
Ah heavens! Ah! what a
misfortune! What a strange accident!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
What is the matter, Toinette?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ah! Madam!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. What ails you?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Your husband is dead.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. My husband is dead?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Alas! yes; the poor soul is gone.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Are you quite certain?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Quite certain. Nobody knows of it yet. I was all alone here when
it happened. He has just breathed his last in my arms. Here, just look
at him, full-length in his chair.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Heaven be praised. I am delivered from a most grievous burden.
How silly of you, Toinette, to be so afflicted at his death.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ah! Ma'am, I thought I ought to cry.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Pooh! it is not worth the trouble. What loss is it to anybody,
and what good did he do in this world? A wretch, unpleasant to
everybody; of nauseous, dirty habits; always a clyster or a dose of
physic in his body. Always snivelling, coughing, spitting; a stupid,
tedious, ill-natured fellow, who was for ever fatiguing people and
scolding night and day at his maids and servants.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. An excellent funeral oration!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>.
Toinette, you must help me to carry out my design; and you may
depend upon it that I will make it worth your while if you serve me.
Since, by good luck, nobody is aware of his death, let us put him into
his bed, and keep the secret until I have done what I want. There are
some papers and some money I must possess myself of. It is not right
that I should have passed the best years of my life with him without
any kind of advantage. Come along, Toinette, first of all, let us take
all the keys.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. (<i>getting up hastily</i>). Softly.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Bel</span>. Ah!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. So, my wife, it is thus you love me?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Ah! the dead man is not dead.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Béline</span>,
<i>who goes away</i>) I am very glad to see
how you love me, and to have heard the noble panegyric you made upon
me. This is a good warning, which will make me wise for the future,
and prevent me from doing many things.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XIX.——BÉRALDE (<i>coming out of the place where he was hiding</i>), ARGAN, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. Well, brother, you see….</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Now, really, I could never have believed such a thing. But I hear
your daughter coming, place yourself as you were just now, and let us
see how she will receive the news. It is not a bad thing to try; and
since you have begun, you will be able by this means to know the
sentiments of your family towards you.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XX.——ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. (<i>pretending not to see</i>
<span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>). O heavens! what a sad
accident! What an unhappy day!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
What ails you, Toinette, and why do you cry?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Alas! I have such sad news for you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. What is it?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>. Your father is dead.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. My father is dead, Toinette?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Yes, just look at him there; he died only a moment ago of a
fainting fit that came over him.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
O heavens! what a misfortune! What a cruel grief! Alas! why must
I lose my father, the only being left me in the world? and why should
I lose him, too, at a time when he was angry with me? What will become
of me, unhappy girl that I am? What consolation can I find after so
great a loss?</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XXI.——ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
What is the matter with you, dear Angélique, and what misfortune
makes you weep?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Alas! I weep for what was most dear and most precious to me. I
weep for the death of my father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
O heaven! what a misfortune! What an unforeseen stroke of
fortune! Alas! after I had asked your uncle to ask you in marriage, I
was coming to see him, in order to try by my respect and entreaties to
incline his heart to grant you to my wishes.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Ah! Cléante, let us talk no more of this. Let us give up all
hopes of marriage. Now my father is dead, I will have nothing to do
with the world, and will renounce it for ever. Yes, my dear father, if
I resisted your will, I will at least follow out one of your
intentions, and will by that make amends for the sorrow I have caused
you. (<i>Kneeling.</i>) Let me, father, make you this promise here, and
kiss you as a proof of my repentance.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
(<i>kissing</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
Ah! my daughter!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>. Ah!</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Come; do not be afraid. I am not dead. Ah! you are my true flesh
and blood and my real daughter; I am delighted to have discovered your
good heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XXII.——ARGAN, BÉRALDE, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Ah! what a delightful surprise! Father, since heaven has given
you back to our love, let me here throw myself at your feet to implore
one favour of you. If you do not approve of what my heart feels, if
you refuse to give me Cléante for a husband, I conjure you, at least,
not to force me to marry another. It is all I have to ask of you.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
(<i>throwing himself at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan's</span>
<i>feet</i>). Ah! Sir, allow
your heart to be touched by her entreaties and by mine, and do not
oppose our mutual love.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Brother, how can you resist all this?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Will you remain insensible before such affection?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
Well, let him become a doctor, and I will consent to the
marriage. (<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cléante</span>)
Yes, turn doctor, Sir, and I will give
you my daughter.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
Very willingly, Sir, if it is all that is required to become your
son-in-law. I will turn doctor; apothecary also, if you like. It is
not such a difficult thing after all, and I would do much more to
obtain from you the fair Angélique.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
But, brother, it just strikes me; why don't you turn doctor
yourself? It would be much more convenient to have all you want within
yourself.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Quite true. That is the very way to cure yourself. There is no
disease bold enough to dare to attack the person of a doctor.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
I imagine, brother, that you are laughing at me. Can I study at
my age?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Study! What need is there? You are clever enough for that; there
are a great many who are not a bit more clever than you are.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
But one must be able to speak Latin well, and know the different
diseases and the remedies they require.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
When you put on the cap and gown of a doctor, all that will come
of itself, and you will afterwards be much more clever than you care
to be.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
What! We understand how to discourse upon diseases when we have
that dress?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Yes; you have only to hold forth; when you have a cap and gown,
any stuff becomes learned, and all rubbish good sense.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
Look you, Sir; a beard is something in itself; a beard is half
the doctor.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
Anyhow, I am ready for everything.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Argan</span>).
Shall we have the thing done immediately?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. How, immediately?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>. Yes, in your house.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. In my house?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
Yes, I know a body of physicians, friends of mine, who will come
presently, and will perform the ceremony in your hall. It will cost
you nothing.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>.
But what can I say, what can I answer?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
You will be instructed in a few words, and they will give you in
writing all you have to say. Go and dress yourself directly, and I
will send for them.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Arg</span>. Very well; let it be done.</p>
<p> </p>
<h3>SCENE XXIII.——BÉRALDE, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE.</h3>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
What is it yon intend to do, and what do you mean by this body of
physicians?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Toi</span>.
What is it you are going to do?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
To amuse ourselves a little to-night. The players have made a
doctor's admission the subject of an interlude, with dances and music.
I want everyone to enjoy it, and my brother to act the principal part
in it.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
But, uncle, it seems to me that you are making fun of my father.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ber</span>.
But, niece, it is not making too much fun of him to fall in with
his fancies. We may each of us take part in it ourselves, and thus
perform the comedy for each other's amusement. Carnival time
authorises it. Let us go quickly and get everything ready.</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Cle</span>.
(<i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angélique</span>).
Do you consent to it?</p>
<p><span class="smallcaps">Ang</span>.
Yes; since my uncle takes the lead.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr class="narrow" />
<h3>THIRD INTERLUDE.<SPAN href="#fmi6"><span class="small"><sup>6</sup></span></SPAN></h3>
<p class="center"><span class="smallcaps">Burlesque Ceremony</span>
<i>representing the Admission
of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mr. Geronte</span>
<i>to the Degree of Doctor of Medicine</i>.</p>
<p class="center"><i>First Entry of the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Ballet</span>.</p>
<p class="center">PRAESES.<br/>
Savantissimi doctores,<br/>
Medicinae professores,<br/>
Qui hic assemblati estis;<br/>
Et vos, altri messiores,<br/>
Sententiarum Facultatis<br/>
Fideles executores,<br/>
Chirurgiani et apothicari<br/>
Atque tota compagnia aussi,<br/>
Salus, honor et argentum,<br/>
Atque bonum appetitum.</p>
<p class="center">Non possum, docti confreri,<br/>
En moi satis admirari<br/>
Qualis bona inventio<br/>
Est medici professio;<br/>
Quam bella chosa est et bene trovata.<br/>
Medicina illa benedicta,<br/>
Quae, suo nomine solo,<br/>
Surprenanti miraculo,<br/>
Depuis si longo tempore,<br/>
Facit � gogo vivere<br/>
Tant de gens omni genere.</p>
<p class="center"> Per totam terram videmus<br/>
Grandam vogam ubi sumus;<br/>
Et quod grandes et petiti<br/>
Sunt de nobis infatuti.<br/>
Totus mundus, currens ad nostros remedios,<br/>
Nos regardat sicut deos;<br/>
Et nostris ordonnanciis<br/>
Principes et reges soumissos videtis.</p>
<p class="center"> Doncque il est nostrae sapientiae,<br/>
Boni sensus atque prudentiae,<br/>
De fortement travaillare<br/>
A nos bene conservare<br/>
In tali credito, voga, et honore;<br/>
Et prendere gardam a non recevere<br/>
In nostro docto corpore,<br/>
Quam personas capabiles,<br/>
Et totas dignas remplire<br/>
Has pla�as honorabiles.</p>
<p class ="center">C'est pour cela que nunc convocati estis:<br/>
Et credo quod trovabitis<br/>
Dignam matieram medici<br/>
In savanti homine que voici;<br/>
Lequel, in chosis omnibus,<br/>
Dono ad interrogandum,<br/>
Et � fond examinandum<br/>
Vostris capacitatibus.</p>
<p class="center">PRIMUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Si mihi licentiam dat dominus praeses,<br/>
Et tanti docti doctores, <br/>
Et assistantes illustres,<br/>
Tr�s savanti bacheliero,<br/>
Quem estimo et honoro,<br/>
Domandabo causam et rationom quare<br/>
Opium facit dormire.</p>
<p class="center"> BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Mihi a docto doctore<br/>
Domandatur causam et rationem quare<br/>
Opium facit dormire.<br/>
A quoi respondeo,<br/>
Quia est in eo<br/>
Vertus dormitiva,<br/>
Cujus eat natura<br/>
Sensus assoupire.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere.<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.<br/>
Bene, bene respondere.</p>
<p class="center">SECUNDUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Proviso quod non displiceat,<br/>
Domino praesidi, lequel n'est pas fat,<br/>
Me benigne annuat,<br/>
Cum totis doctoribus savantibus,<br/>
Et assistantibus bienveillantibus,<br/>
Dicat mihi un peu dominus praetendens,<br/>
Raison a priori et evidens<br/>
Cur rhubarba et le séné<br/>
Per nos semper est ordonné<br/>
Ad purgandum l'utramque bile?<br/>
Si dicit hoc, erit valde habile.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
A docto doctore mihi, qui sum praetendens,<br/>
Domandatur raison a priori et evidens<br/>
Cur rhubarba et le séné<br/>
Per nos semper est ordonné<br/>
Ad purgandum l'utramque bile?<br/>
Respondeo vobis,<br/>
Quia est in illis<br/>
Vertus purgativa,<br/>
Cujus est natura<br/>
Istas duas biles evacuare.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bone, bene respondere,<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center">TERTIUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Ex responsis, il para�t jam sole clarius<br/>
Quod lepidum iste caput bachelierus<br/>
Non passavit suam vitam ludendo au trictrac,<br/>
Nec in prenando du tabac;<br/>
Sed explicit pourquoi furfur macrum et parvum lac,<br/>
Cum phlebotomia et purgatione humorum,<br/>
Appellantur a medisantibus idolae medicorum,<br/>
Nec non pontus asinorum?<br/>
Si premi�rement grata sit domino praesidi<br/>
Nostra libertas quaestionandi,<br/>
Pariter dominis doctribus<br/>
Atque de tous ordres benignis auditoribus.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Quaerit a me dominus doctor<br/>
Chrysologos, id est, qui dit d'or,<br/>
Quare parvum lac et furfur macrum,<br/>
Phlebotomia et purgatio humorum<br/>
Appellantur a medisantibus idolae medicorum,<br/>
Atque pontus asinorum.<br/>
Respondeo quia:<br/>
Ista ordonnando non requiritur magna scientia,<br/>
Et ex illis quatuor rebus<br/>
Medici faciunt ludovicos, pistolas, et des quarts d'écus.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center">QUARTUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Cum permissione domini praesidis,<br/>
Doctissimae Facultatis,<br/>
Et totius his nostris actis<br/>
Companiae assistantis,<br/>
Domandabo tibi, docte bacheliere,<br/>
Quae sunt remedia<br/>
Tam in homine quam in muliere<br/>
Quae, in maladia<br/>
Ditta hydropisia,<br/>
In malo caduco, apoplexia, convulsione et paralysia,<br/>
Convenit facere.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Clysterium donare,<br/>
Postea seignare,<br/>
Ensuita purgare.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere.<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center">QUINTUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Si bonum semblatur domino praesidi.<br/>
Doctissimae Facultati,<br/>
Et companiae ecoutanti,<br/>
Domandabo tibi, erudite bacheliere,<br/>
Ut revenir un jour � la maison gravis aegre<br/>
Quae remedia colicosis, fievrosis,<br/>
Maniacis, nefreticis, freneticis,<br/>
Melancolicis, demoniacis,<br/>
Asthmaticis atque pulmonicis,<br/>
Catharrosis, tussicolisis,<br/>
Guttosis, ladris atque gallosis,<br/>
In apostemasis plagis et ulcéré,<br/>
In omni membro démis aut fracturé<br/>
Convenit facere.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS. <br/>
Clysterium donare,<br/>
Postea seignare,<br/>
Ensuita purgare.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere.<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center"> SEXTUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Cum bona venia reverendi praesidis,<br/>
Filiorum Hippocratis,<br/>
Et totius coronae nos admirantis,<br/>
Petam tibi, resolute bacheliere,<br/>
Non indignus alumnus di Monspeliere,<br/>
Quae remedia caecis, surdis, mutis,<br/>
Manchotis, claudis, atque omnibus estropiatis,<br/>
Pro coris pedum, malum de dentibus, pesta, rabie,<br/>
Et nimis magna commotione in omni novo marié<br/>
Convenit facere.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Clysterium donare,<br/>
Postea seignare,<br/>
Ensuita purgare.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere.<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center"> SEPTIMUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Super illas maladias,<br/>
Dominus bachelierus dixit maravillas;<br/>
Mais, si non ennuyo doctissimam facultatem<br/>
Et totam honorabilem companiam<br/>
Tam corporaliter quam mentaliter hic praesentem,<br/>
Faciam illi unam quaestionem;<br/>
De hiero maladus unus<br/>
Tombavit in meas manus,<br/>
Homo qualitatis et dives comme un Crésus.<br/>
Habet grandam fievram cum redoublamentis,<br/>
Grandam dolorem capitis,<br/>
Cum troublatione spirii et laxamento ventris.<br/>
Grandum insuper malum au c�té,<br/>
Cum granda difficultate<br/>
Et pena a respirare;<br/>
Veuillas mihi dire,<br/>
Docte bacheliere,<br/>
Quid illi facere.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Clysterium donare,<br/>
Postea seignare,<br/>
Ensuita purgare.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere.<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center">IDEM DOCTOR.<br/>
Mais, si maladia<br/>
Opiniatria<br/>
Ponendo modicum a quia<br/>
Non vult se guarire,<br/>
Quid illi facere?</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Clysterium donare,<br/>
Postea seignare,<br/>
Ensuita purgare,<br/>
Reseignare, repurgare, et reclysterizare.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondere.<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center">OCTAVUS DOCTOR.<br/>
Impetro favorabile congé<br/>
A domino praeside,<br/>
Ab electa trouppa doctorum,<br/>
Tam practicantium quam practica avidorum,<br/>
Et a curiosa turba badodorum.<br/>
Ingeniose bacheliere<br/>
Qui non potuit esse jusqu'ici déferré,<br/>
Faciam tibi unam questionem de importantia.<br/>
Messiores, detur nobis audiencia.<br/>
Isto die bene mane,<br/>
Paulo ante mon déjeuné,<br/>
Venit ad me una domicella<br/>
Italiana jadis bella,<br/>
Et ut penso encore un peu pucella,<br/>
Quae habebat pallidos colores,<br/>
Fievram blancam dicunt magis fini doctores,<br/>
Quia plaigniebat se de migraina,<br/>
De curta halena,<br/>
De granda oppressione,<br/>
Jambarum enflatura, et effroyebili lassitudine;<br/>
De batimento cordis,<br/>
De strangulamento matris,<br/>
Alio nomine vapor hystérique,<br/>
Quae, sicut omnes maladiae terminatae en ique,<br/>
Facit a Galien la nique.<br/>
Visagium apparebat bouffietum, et coloris<br/>
Tantum vertae quantum merda anseris.<br/>
Ex pulsu petito valde frequens, et urina mala<br/>
Quam apportaverat in fiola<br/>
Non videbatur exempta de febricules;<br/>
Au reste, tam debilis quod venerat<br/>
De son grabat<br/>
In cavallo sur une mule,<br/>
Non habuerat menses suos<br/>
Ab illa die qui dicitur des grosses eaux;<br/>
Sed contabat mihi � l'oreille<br/>
Che si non era morta, c'était grand merveille,<br/>
Perch� in suo negotio<br/>
Era un poco d'amore, et troppo di cordoglio;<br/>
Che suo galanto sen era andato in Allemagna,<br/>
Servire al signor Brandeburg una campagna.<br/>
Usque ad maintenant multi charlatani,<br/>
Medici, apothicari, et chirurgiani<br/>
Pro sua maladia in veno travaillaverunt,<br/>
Juxta m�me las novas gripas istius bouru Van Helmont,<br/>
Amploiantes ab oculis cancri, ad Alcahest;<br/>
Veuillas mihi dire quid superest,<br/>
Juxta orthodoxos, illi facere.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Clysterium donare,<br/>
Postea seignare,<br/>
Ensuita purgare.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Bene, bene, bene, bene respondero.<br/>
Dignus, dignus est intrare<br/>
In nostro docto corpore.</p>
<p class="center">IDEM DOCTOR.<br/>
Mais si tam grandum couchamentum<br/>
Partium naturalium,<br/>
Mortaliter obstinatum,<br/>
Per clysterium donare,<br/>
Seignare<br/>
Et reiterando cent fois purgare,<br/>
Non potest se guarire,<br/>
Finaliter quid trovaris � propos illi facere?</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
In nomine Hippocratis benedictam cum bono<br/>
Gar�one conjunctionem imperare.</p>
<p class="center">PRAESES.<br/>
Juras gardare statuta<br/>
Per Facultatem praescripta,<br/>
Cum sensu et jugeamento?</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Juro.<SPAN href="#fmi7"><span class="small"><sup>7</sup></span></SPAN></p>
<p class="center">PRAESES.<br/>
Essere in Omnibus<br/>
Consultationibus<br/>
Ancieni aviso,<br/>
Aut bono,<br/>
Aut mauvaiso!</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Juro.</p>
<p class="center">PRAESES.<br/>
De non jamais te servire<br/>
De remediis aucunis,<br/>
Quam de ceuz seulement almae Facultatis,<br/>
Maladus d�t-il crevare,<br/>
Et mori de suo malo?</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Juro.</p>
<p class="center">PRAESES.<br/>
Ego, cum isto boneto<br/>
Venerabili et docto,<br/>
Dono tibi et concedo<br/>
Puissanciam, vertutem atque licentiam<br/>
Medicinam cum methodo faciendi<br/>
Id est,<br/>
Clysterizandi,<br/>
Seignandi,<br/>
Purgandi,<br/>
Sangsuandi,<br/>
Ventousandi,<br/>
Sacrificandi,<br/>
Per�andi,<br/>
Taillandi,<br/>
Coupandi,<br/>
Trepanandi,<br/>
Brulandi,<br/>
Uno verbo, selon les formes, atque impune occidendi<br/>
Parisiis et per totem terram;<br/>
Rendes, Domine, his messioribus gratiam.</p>
<p class="center"><i>Second Entry of the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Ballet</span>.</p>
<p class="center"><i>All the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Doctors</span> <i>and</i>
<span class="smallcaps">Apothecaries</span> <i>come and do him
reverence.</i></p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Grandes doctres doctrinae<br/>
De la rhubarbe et du séné<br/>
Ce seroit sans douta � moi chosa folla,<br/>
Inepta et ridicula,<br/>
Si j'alloibam m'engageare<br/>
Vobis louangeas donare,<br/>
Et entreprenoibam ajoutare<br/>
Des lumieras au soleillo,<br/>
Des etoilas au cielo,<br/>
Des flammas � l'inferno<br/>
Des ondas � l'oceano,<br/>
Et des rosas au printano.<br/>
Agreate qu'avec uno moto,<br/>
Pro toto remercimento,<br/>
Rendam gratias corpori tam docto.<br/>
Vobis, vobis debeo<br/>
Bien plus qu'� nature et qu'� patri meo:<br/>
Natura et pater meus<br/>
Hominem me habent factum;<br/>
Mais vos me (ce qui est bien plus)<br/>
Avetis factum medicum<br/>
Honor, favor et gratia,<br/>
Qui, in hoc corde que voil�,<br/>
Imprimant ressentimenta<br/>
Qui dureront in secula.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Vivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat,<br/>
Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat!<br/>
Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat,<br/>
Et seignet et tuat!</p>
<p class="center"><i>Third Entry of the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Ballet</span>.</p>
<p class="center"><i>All the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Doctors</span> <i>and</i>
<span class="smallcaps">Apothecaries</span> <i>dance to the sound of
instruments and voices, the clapping of hands, and the beating
of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Apothecaries'</span> <i>mortars.</i></p>
<p class="center">CHIRURGUS.<br/>
Puisse-t-il voir doctas<br/>
Suas ordonnancias,<br/>
Omnium chirurgorum,<br/>
Et apothicarum<br/>
Remplire boutiquas!</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Vivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat,<br/>
Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat!<br/>
Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat,<br/>
Et seignet et tuat!</p>
<p class="center">APOTHICARIUS.<br/>
Puissent toti anni<br/>
Lui essere boni<br/>
Et favorabiles<br/>
Et n'habere jamais<br/>
Entre ses mains, pestas, epidemias<br/>
Quae sunt malas bestias;<br/>
Mais semper pluresias, pulmonias<br/>
In renibus et vessia pierras,<br/>
Rhumatismos d'un anno, et omnis generis fievras,<br/>
Fluxus de sanguine, gouttas diabolicas,<br/>
Mala de sancto Joanne, Poitevinorum colicas<br/>
Scorbutum de Hollandia, verolas parvas et grossas<br/>
Bonos chancros atque longas callidopissas.</p>
<p class="center">BACHELIERUS.<br/>
Amen.</p>
<p class="center">CHORUS.<br/>
Vivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat,<br/>
Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat!<br/>
Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat,<br/>
Et seignet et tuat!</p>
<p class="center"><i>Fourth Entry of the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Ballet</span>.</p>
<p class="center"><i>All the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Doctors</span>
<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Apothecaries </span><i>go out according to
their rank, as they came in.</i></p>
<p> </p>
<h4>THE END</h4>
<p> </p>
<hr class="narrow" />
<h3>FOOTNOTES</h3>
<p><SPAN name="fmi1" id="fmi1"></SPAN>[1]
As usual, Argan only counts half; even after he has
reduced the charge.</p>
<p><SPAN name="fmi2" id="fmi2"></SPAN>[2] Thomas Diafoirus is
evidently going to base some compliment on the <i>belle-mère</i>. The
only way out of the difficulty in English seems to be to complete the
sentence somewhat.</p>
<p><SPAN name="fmi3" id="fmi3"></SPAN>[3] Harvey's
treatise on the circulation of the blood was published in 1628. His
discovery was violently opposed for a long time afterwards.</p>
<p><SPAN name="fmi4" id="fmi4"></SPAN>[4]
Molière seems to refer to Dr. Guenaut, who was said to have killed
with antimony (his favourite remedy) his wife, his daughter, his
nephew, and two of his sons-in-law.—AIMÉ MARTIN.</p>
<p><SPAN name="fmi5" id="fmi5"></SPAN>[5] <i>Oubliés</i>; now called
<i>plaisirs</i>. "Wafers" would perhaps have been the right rendering
in Molière's time.</p>
<p><SPAN name="fmi6" id="fmi6"></SPAN>[6]
This piece is composed of a mixture of dog-Latin, French,
&c. and is utterly untranslateable.</p>
<p><SPAN name="fmi7" id="fmi7"></SPAN>[7]
It is said that it was when uttering this word that Molière
gave way to the illness from which he had long suffered.</p>
<SPAN name="endofbook"></SPAN>
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