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Who Was Who: 5000 BC - 1914 Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be

J

JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier. Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See Jill.)

JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau. Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had hard dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his brethren. (See Joe.)

JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm.

JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the publisher.

JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected king of England.

JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage.

JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark.

JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory.

JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.)

JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine.

JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene Sue and Lew Wallace.

JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident occurred.

JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The market tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His camels died of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had. Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes.

JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a "waser."

JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote.

JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam until he was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his rescuer. His story was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. never could look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident. Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address: Sodom. Clubs: Alpine.

JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor.

JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture post-card.

JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place.

JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man he became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked them for the good luck they had thrust upon him.

JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man.

JUDAS, suicide.

JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity.

JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.)

JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants, disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia.

JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although occasionally the little statues are found in the pans.

K

KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's position. At a tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all royal children, he had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition, but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through Europe. It is said he could not learn anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army. Address: Army. Clubs: Army.

KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U.

KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What He Preached.

KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship.

KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments.

KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted.

KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate.

KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub up.

KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert.

L

LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was such an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery in Paris was named in his honor.

LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to place smiles on paper.

LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent. Ambition: Those old time lovers.

LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad attack. Address: Vatican, Rome.

LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom Burns did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record of the ceremony can be found.

LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions. Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland. Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions of Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course.

LAW,(6) Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient whose life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas to be turned down, and always knocked before she came into the room. Later she wiped the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills, and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had. Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most of the time. Clubs: Suffrage.

(6) Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy of the above.

LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler.

LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter, Castor, and Pollux.

LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers to the king.

LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut. Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find another widow.

LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good song.

LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough for historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine. Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo.

LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and Poland to the United States.

LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese.

LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or the police force. Ambition: That cup.

LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played the piano.

LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the sale of this book.

LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself when the tourist goes down the Rhine.

LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband.

LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth.

LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France. Put the "is" in Paris.

LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of cafe's.

LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the works of his predecessors.

LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his predecessors.

LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe.

LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started pre-tango dancing.

LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu.

LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into Paris.

LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a patron of his ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris.

LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very popular.

LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the discovery of the United States.

LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered.

LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general.

LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address: Versailles.

LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens Pompadour and Du-Barry.

LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his ancestors, but—. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving he ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess to Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address: Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head Which Wore A Crown.

LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to have the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the world has a word of sympathy.

LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had subsided.

LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic, and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her. From that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an expert prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights. Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally. Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends who wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the wide, wide world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs: None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go.

LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition.


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